Treason: is it necessary to forgive? Advice from psychologist Inna Roizman.

Myths about treason.

Let's start with the fact that the topic of betrayal is overgrown with myths:

• Everyone changes;
• Cheating is normal;
• Cheating strengthens a marriage;
• Good wives/husbands do not cheat;
• If you do not deny your husband sex, then he will not have the strength to cheat;
• He who betrayed once will betray again.

Why are these myths needed? Explain to yourself what you don’t want to admit. And then it seemed like nothing terrible happened. Myths help you put things into your head that don’t fit, and gain at least the illusion of control.

How to behave correctly if your husband cheated?

How to behave if your husband cheated?
One or two weeks is enough to understand the situation. You will be able to decide on your feelings towards your unfaithful spouse and understand whether you are ready to forgive him.

Be sure to restore your strength and tune in to a serious conversation in which you will make a common decision. You shouldn’t drag out the situation too much, because sooner or later the conversation will take place anyway.

Your conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere. Refrain from scandal and hysteria, as well as dramatization with tears and accusations. Behave adequately, be above it.

During the conversation, find out under what circumstances and why the betrayal occurred. Yes, it will be very unpleasant to listen to, but pull yourself together and listen. It’s much easier if it happened just once and accidentally while drunk, but if it happened for years, then the blow will be extremely strong.

In the latter case, it’s worth thinking about, are you sure that you know your man well? Is it worth forgiving him if he managed to deceive you for years! What's stopping him from doing it again?

It is also worth asking whether your loved one repents of the committed act and what he plans to do next. Perhaps he does not want to save the family, and infidelity was just an impetus for separation. If he convinces you that he wants to save the relationship, and also that he loves you and everything happened by accident, then it makes sense to forgive the betrayal.

How do women feel?

When cheating on the part of a man occurs, women are divided into:

• The one who divorces her husband separates;
• The one who closes her eyes to it and forgives.

The second one reassures herself that men are designed in such a way that physical betrayal does not mean anything. In other words, this type of girl officially gives permission for men to betray them and hurt them. After all, no matter how many times you repeat - “men are simply polygamous”, the pain and feeling that you have been betrayed will never go away.

The longer a woman lives with the knowledge that her man has connections on the side, the stronger the process of self-destruction goes:

• self-confidence is lost;
• self-esteem is lost;
• feeling of one's uniqueness;
• self-love disappears;
• anxiety and melancholy appear.

In order to somehow maintain peace of mind, the woman seeks the advantages of her position: “but the children have a father, and I am not alone, but my husband supports me financially.” Meanwhile, the man, to whose adventures the woman deliberately turns a blind eye, gradually begins to change his attitude towards her.

A man is constantly tormented by a feeling of guilt, and therefore the woman who causes this unpleasant feeling begins to irritate him more and more. Children feel this tension and suffer much more than if their parents had simply separated. The result: unhappy people living in tension, pain and irritation.

Life after forgiveness

Quite often, while married, people forget to take care of their own appearance. This applies equally to both women and men. Routine, children, lack of free time for one’s own needs lead to a search for reassurance on the outside.

Learn to compromise and help each other, this way you will achieve peace in your family

Ways to improve family life after your husband/wife cheats:

find time for yourself (sign up for a gym, preferably together, spend more time on your own attractiveness, update your wardrobe); start a new exciting hobby (sports, photography, knitting); if you have children, pay attention to them; enlist the support of loved ones (with their help it is possible to get out of a depressed state); contact a family psychologist, joint consultations will benefit both of you; remember more often the positive qualities of your partner; be patient and do not remind your spouse about the fact of betrayal (this will lead to irritability, and in order to really forget about the betrayal and live happily together, you need to learn to forgive); show your spouse that home is a place where he will always want to return with joy, pay your husband as much attention as possible; For his wife, a man is also recommended to create a comfortable and cozy environment at home.

Should betrayal be forgiven?

Perhaps this is one of the most difficult and controversial issues in a relationship. Let's not go into philosophizing on this topic. Situations are indeed different. ⠀ We believe that partners should talk about this and find out the reasons. And then make a decision. Because the reasons are very different. And both participants in this action are faced with the fact that there are moral and ethical norms of society (mostly Western society), which are violated by one participant, and require an “appropriate” reaction from the second.

The scheme is usually like this:

• if you have been cheated on;
• you pour out your righteous anger on the culprit;
• you are unhappy, everyone supports you;
• Naturally, he doesn’t exist;
• then divorce.

But if you forgive the culprit, then they look at you sideways, with regret or disdain, or maybe even disgust. Thus, people are trapped not only because of the situation, but also because of the social expectations of others.

What should you do if you find out that you have been cheated on?

1. Talk to the person who did it . Perhaps the reasons will be that you have become so far away from each other that you just started looking for hugs and warm conversations. Perhaps you have become too close, you know so much about each other and are so intimate with each other about the details of your life that there is no room for intimacy.

But intimacy requires distance. As cliché as it may sound, sexual energy needs a place to emerge. In general, first find out the reason. ⠀ 2. Solve this problem either with your partner or psychologist. You shouldn't tell everyone around you that you've been cheated on. If you stay together, you will have to face the notorious condemnation that I wrote about above. ⠀ 3. Think about whether you need this relationship and is it worth saving? Approach this issue with a cool head. If the relationship is 90% good and there is no violence in it, there is no need to rush to cut ends.

But if you are already unhappy in this relationship, and here is this cherry on the cake - leave. Neither the children nor your nobility will be appreciated. You will continue to be neglected.

4. If you decide to stay, think with your partner about how you can avoid getting into such situations again .
And how he can gain your trust back. But in any case, maintain self-respect when your husband cheats.

Religious point of view

Christianity in general and Orthodoxy in particular have an extremely negative attitude towards betrayal. This offense is called adultery. Despite the severity of sin, forgiveness is possible. But we need the strength and desire of partners to restore good marital relationships bit by bit. It will be hard to come to terms with it at first. To pacify mental suffering, you should pray more often, attend church, and talk with a priest. Over time, the pain will go away, and peace will reign in the family.

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Islam also strongly discourages adultery. But you can repent of sin, and the injured party can forgive your unfaithful partner. You cannot be led by negative emotions. A Muslim is recommended to have sufficient wisdom to make the right godly decision.

When should you forgive your husband's infidelity?

Did you find out that your partner cheated on you and don't know what to do? In this case, even relatives or a psychologist will not be able to give correct advice. Only your choice affects the fate of your family and its well-being. ⠀ When cheating, you should not give in to negative emotions. It is better to try to be calm in order to make the right decision for you. ⠀ We want to give you several situations when you can try to forgive a person who has ever betrayed:

• The partner cheated once, frivolously, without thinking about the consequences. Now his conscience gnaws at him, he does not know how to survive such an act. He constantly asks for forgiveness and tries to make amends.
• Intimacy arose during a period of quarrel between a man and a woman. Your relationship was on the verge of breaking down, and the dissolution of your marriage was just around the corner. Perhaps the partner was not even sure that family happiness would be restored.
• You have small children whose psyche you do not want to traumatize. Take care of their development in a normal, full-fledged, friendly and strong family. After all, following your example, they will create their own family in the future.
• You are not ready to separate because you are financially dependent on your partner. Being left on the street without a livelihood or shelter is a bad idea. Talk to your partner, I’m sure he, like you, is ready to work on the relationship for a bright future for your family.
• You love your partner and are ready to give him a chance to improve. Let go of the situation and try to move on without offense. It is important here not to remind your other half about this incident and not to hold a grudge.

Family is the dearest and dearest thing a person has. If a man and woman want to save their family, then they must decide to forgive their loved one.

What you need to do to forgive a cheater

Contrary to popular belief, men do not consider betrayal in relationships to be the norm. Women also feel guilty after cheating. In this situation, the person deserves a chance for forgiveness. You shouldn’t cut things off, it’s better to calmly figure it out.

Analysis and assessment of the situation

If a partner committed betrayal in the first 3 years of marriage, it means that he does not value his other half and does not respect her feelings. The character of this person is like that of the notorious Don Juan or Helen Kuragina from the novel “War and Peace” (if we are talking about a girl).

If this happened in the first 10 years after the wedding, then you should try to forgive your spouse. The partner could have been pushed to take such a desperate step by monotony and stagnation in family relationships. Everyday life, the birth of children, the work-home route lead to a mental crisis, so people begin to look for an emotional shake-up. Cheating is one of these ways. On the side, a person gains the feeling of life he needs. But this breath of freedom, after which the partner will probably repent, is not worth the destruction of the family.

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The circumstances of the betrayal are also important. A partner who slept with another person without embarrassment, without taking care to hide this shameful fact, is not worthy of forgiveness. The feelings of loved ones are not important to him. Perhaps he or she is trying to push the spouse towards a divorce; there has been no love in the couple for a long time.

It’s another matter when the person who cheated feels very anxious and morally devastated; he is afraid to imagine what will happen if his loved one finds out. This behavior speaks of strong feelings and sincere repentance. For him, betrayal is a fatal mistake, for which he is not ready to sacrifice his family.

Straight Talk

The first step towards restoring a relationship after betrayal is a personal, frank conversation. Without unnecessary emotions. No reproaches. It makes no sense to make an appointment right away; you should wait until the storm of negative feelings subsides:

1. You need to ask your partner a few questions to clarify the frequency and nature of cheating.
2. It is necessary to find out the real feelings of the partner towards his lover or mistress. He must answer clearly, without thinking for a long time. If a person is confused, it means he is experiencing attachment. It is necessary to take into account his facial expressions and gestures at this moment.
3. It is worth talking about the reason for the betrayal, to find out what does not suit the chosen one in a real relationship.
4. Express your arguments, explain your feelings.
5. Summarize the conversation and come to a decision. Find a way out of this situation together. Discuss the actions that both will need to take for complete reunification.
6. Establish frameworks and rules that will help prevent a similar incident in the future.

This conversation should definitely be held in private. Crowded parks and noisy cafes are not suitable. It’s better to talk at home, sort it out and decide the future fate of the couple or family.

The partner's sincere regret for what he did

The person who committed treason must try if he wants to regain trust. He should take responsibility for this act and try with all his might to get his partner to forgive the betrayal. If a person behaves defiantly or indifferently, then it is not worth wasting time.

Acceptance of the situation

When partners have finally decided to leave the fact of betrayal in the past, the pain must be released. A psychological technique will help you do this - write down all the feelings that the betrayal caused on a piece of paper. Both partners must write. Reading each other's notes is prohibited. What is written must be burned and the ashes scattered near a river or lake.