How to help a teenager who steals?

The roots of all problems are in the family

The main problem that almost all parents face: when children grow up, they want to somehow distinguish themselves, to show themselves in society. How the child will do this, whether these attempts will involve cruelty or criminal acts, depends on the family. The biggest problems arise where parents devote little time and attention to their children. Mom and dad can be wealthy, earn good money and buy a lot of things for the child, take them to tutors, take them on vacation, provide a lot of modern gadgets, but do nothing in terms of education. This is a big problem, because everything listed should be in the second, or even tenth, plane. The first place in the life of every child should be the availability of parents with whom they can communicate and discuss their problems.

Parenting is not asking once a day: “How are you, how is school?” - it is involvement in the lives of children, it is when mom and dad are interested in all aspects of their lives. If this does not happen, then the child gets the feeling that he is not important in the world around him. From here he has a desire to become first in it in any way.

If a teenager does something bad, it is very important to find out what is going on in his family. If he sees that his father offends his mother, says insulting words to her, and the mother does not remain in debt and responds in kind, then what is surprising if he also shows cruelty and disrespect for adults! If dad comes home from work and tells how clever he is - he managed to carry a bag of nails past the master Uncle Vasya unnoticed - then the child will see this and understand that stealing is possible, moreover, it’s good, it’s necessary. The fact is that for every child, his parents are an example of how to live and act. Until children have learned to value the opinions of their friends (which necessarily happens in adolescence), the family is the main authority for them, which they will definitely rely on. If a child is prone to stealing, then first of all you need to pay attention to the family and figure out why he did this.

What to do when a teenager steals?

The situation changes when parents catch their school-aged children stealing.

— The first reaction of parents to detected theft is aggression. Scandal, punishment and control is the pattern that many follow. But no child starts stealing just like that. As a rule, such actions are already the result of certain violations in the family. One way or another, the child knows that stealing is a bad act, something he shouldn’t do, but why does he allow himself to cross a certain line and commit a crime? - this is something that parents should definitely find out, family psychologist and consultant Sergei Chudnyavtsev is convinced.

There are different circumstances and reasons for teenage theft, but whatever they are, parents who want to help their child must adhere to the following rules:

Control your anger. Don't start with punishment, especially when you yourself have poor control over your emotions.
Start a conversation with your child. Your task, as parents, is to find out the reason for this action. If you don't find it, you won't be able to help, so control yourself.
In a conversation, you need to establish the fact of theft, i.e. First of all, it is important to say that you broke the rule and you broke the law. You took someone else's property, it's called theft, you can't do that. This needs to be clearly stated so that there are no discrepancies. Don't yell at him, accusing him and calling him a thief, just establish the fact itself. Share your attitude to the situation and to the child.
Ask why he did it. Hear your child, hear what hurts him, what prevents him from living honestly and fully in your family.
Having found out the reason, meet halfway and negotiate.
Don't forget to set a new rule regarding theft. Determine the responsibility and punishment for such an act if it happens again in the future.
Be open to your child. He must understand that you love him and are ready to solve problems together. Therefore, remind him that if difficulties arise, he can always come and talk to you, and not get into his parent’s wallet without asking. Theft is unacceptable behavior, a crime for which there will be punishment.

As practice shows, the main reasons for teenage theft are related to family. Be prepared to have to rethink your attitudes, behavior, and your role in what drives your child to steal. This is a difficult moment that makes us feel inadequate as parents, and this is what we do not want to hear. But without being honest with yourself, you will not be able to eradicate the real reason for theft. What family scenarios push children to steal?

Why do children who have everything steal?

Thefts are often committed by children from wealthy families who do not need anything. Why is this happening? The child wants to take a special place in the hierarchy of life, wants to stand out from the crowd, to show that he is significant, that he can be a leader. If the theft is a success and the thief is not found, the child feels powerful, “cool” - he has deceived everyone, he is smarter than everyone.

We must also take into account that our criminal world is now very romanticized in popular culture. Although, if you look at the past, you can also find an attitude towards crimes as something valiant. Let's remember the same Robin Hood - he is an ordinary robber, for whom it is normal to come and take away someone else's property. It’s convenient to give it away later and be known as generous! But he didn’t earn all this with sweat and blood, didn’t put in any work - so what right did he have to dispose of?

What can we say about modern culture, where lawbreakers very often become heroes! The child does not yet have a critical eye; he believes what he is told and believes that good at the cost of crime is normal. Moreover, a teenager who needs to find an excuse for his ugly actions, explain to himself and those around him that he is not bad, not a criminal, but a hero. In the criminal world in general there is such a feature: to romanticize what essentially should not be romanticized.

Explain the consequences of stealing

So, you noticed that your teenager is taking money from your wallet, or you found something stolen from a store in his backpack.

If this is the first time this has happened and your teen has not committed a crime before, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss how important it is to respect other people's property and that breaking the law can land you in jail. Don’t downplay the seriousness of the situation or assume that theft is completely normal if no one noticed you

Speak clearly and clearly when explaining the situation, say that the consequences can change a person's entire life. Use specific definitions - theft and theft. Remind that the teenager could end up in prison for several years, depending on the severity of the offense. Remember that the situation is truly critical, so under no circumstances should it be ignored.

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Stealing is like a drug

Faced with the romanticization of criminals in popular culture, the teenager believes that there is nothing wrong with easily achieving his goals. If you can’t get an iPhone honestly, that means you can take it from someone else. If for the first time everything works out and he gets away with theft, he begins to feel euphoric and feels permissive.

Nowadays there are many people who, in order to tickle their nerves and feel a surge of adrenaline, jump with a parachute, climb steep cliffs, and engage in extreme sports. Theft is akin to all of this. Gradually it becomes a kind of addiction, a disease. A professional thief can be a very wealthy person who has no need to steal, but he still goes and steals - not because he needs money, but to feel the danger, to tickle his nerves. It's like a drug for him, he can't live without it. A child, if not stopped in time, may also become dependent. On the one hand, he asserts himself, shows how cool he is, on the other hand, he feels euphoria from the surge of adrenaline he experienced. This is why it is so dangerous if a child steals with impunity. In such situations, all the bells must be rung, because the person disappears.

Create a punishment that involves positive action.

You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.

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A teenager steals: what to do?

If you discover that a teenager is stealing, the first thing you need to do is contact his family. Parents may not even suspect that such a disaster has happened near them. Previously, people around were not so indifferent to other people's children. Parents did not protect the personal boundaries of their children as zealously as they do now, and each neighbor could punish for an offense in the same way as the parents. Nowadays no one wants to get involved with other people’s children, because you might not only not receive support from your parents, but, on the contrary, you might end up in a very unpleasant conflict. Parents, shielding and protecting their children in every possible way, often simply destroy them, because crimes go unpunished, which leads to the exacerbation of the child’s criminal inclinations.

If parents do not react, you need to contact law enforcement agencies, because if a teenager grows up to be a professional thief, nothing good will come of it. What if these thefts lead to him having to defend himself and he injures another person? This is a different article, a different punishment, after which the fate of a teenager can follow a very sad scenario.

Grandparents, parents and child: the geometry of relationships

Imagine a triangle, two sides of which are parents, and the third is grandparents. The child is within the family. For him, everything: mom, dad, grandparents are dear and close.

Mom and dad are closer to the child, and grandparents are the ones you can rely on. This is perfect condition. But in reality, especially in Russia, parents of spouses occupy a significant place in the lives of their grandchildren. Their influence on upbringing is the same or even greater than that of mom and dad.

We are talking about the interference of the mother-in-law in the upbringing of her grandchildren, so only one grandmother will be mentioned in the drawings below.

But, everything that is written about relationships with your mother-in-law can also be used with other relatives who actively “help” raise your child.

React and find out the reasons

What should Christian parents do if they are faced with the fact that their growing child is stealing? First of all, under no circumstances turn a blind eye to what happened and find out why it happened. In general, I would recommend that you definitely respond to child theft, no matter what age it happens. Even if a child simply took a toy without asking in kindergarten, you need to talk to him and explain that they don’t do that. We need to have conversations with children before they do something bad.

Second: we need to find the reason why the teenager steals. After all, children now see from their peers a lot of things that, for some reason, are inaccessible to them. Therefore, it is important not to lead children to theft. There is no need to demand that your Orthodox children humble themselves and wear something worse. There is no need to dress girls in skirts that reach to their toes, and dress boys in black and old-fashioned trousers. The child should not feel inferior. If theft was a reaction to this, then parents need to pay attention to his clothes and belongings.

Why do children steal money?

Children of different ages have their own reasons for stealing from their mother's wallet. For example, kids sincerely believe that the whole world belongs only to them, and have little idea what “alien” is. Psychologists advise from an early age to teach children the concepts of “mine” and “someone else’s”, to separate your things from others, first ask permission from the owner, and only then take some personal item

It's important to be consistent here. If you take a child's toy or book, don't forget to ask him yourself if you can do it

By breaking this rule, which you yourself established, you are secretly allowing your child to take someone else’s property without asking.

There are other reasons for “theft” among preschoolers:

The desire to have something that other peers already have, for example, a fashionable toy. What to do? Explain that having the same things as others is not necessary for people to respect him and be friends with him

You shouldn’t buy a toy; it’s better to offer something more interesting and useful in return, for example, take the whole family to the zoo, on a picnic or to a master class. The child is trying to get your attention or believes that he was treated unfairly. Remember, maybe you recently went somewhere and left him bored at home? Or maybe you have recently started working late, and your grandmother or nanny is taking care of your baby? The solution here is simple: a detailed conversation and joint leisure. From the conversations of adults, the child understands that big money gives freedom and opportunity.

It is quite natural that he, wanting to have his own money, begins to steal or demand it for help around the house or good behavior. Psychologist's advice: watch what you discuss in the presence of a child, shift the child's value scale towards non-material goods, teach him to do good deeds for a simple “thank you.”

In some cases, preschoolers secretly take money from their parents as a sign of protest against the large number of rules of behavior imposed on them that seem illogical to them. Money for them is a symbol of freedom and independence. Think about it, maybe you really have created a too strict system of prohibitions and you yourself don’t always play by your own rules. Discuss the situation with your child.

Why do elementary schoolchildren and teenagers steal? We have already discussed some of the reasons. This is the desire to have the same things as classmates, a rebellion against strict prohibitions and the desire to gain financial independence. Child psychologists identify several other reasons for theft.

A child wants to give a gift to a loved one. Dreaming of how everyone will be surprised, he does not think that he is doing a bad thing. What to do? Explain to him that he can ask you for money for a gift or make it with his own hands. On the eve of the holiday, ask your child what he wants to give to friends and family, allocate a small amount and take it with you for shopping.
The schoolboy seeks revenge. For example, one of the guys offended him. Taking some expensive item or money in revenge seems quite logical to him. In this case, it is worth showing the child another way to resolve the conflict.
The parents took the money that they gave to the child for the holiday. In this case, he feels right because he believes that he is taking what is his. If the family has a difficult financial situation, firstly, ask the child’s permission (this is his gift!) and explain where you are going to spend it, and secondly, offer to go to the store together and buy the necessary things.
He wants to stand out, show himself as an adult, independent, with the opportunity to manage his own money.
His parents do not give him pocket money, while his peers have long had their own finances and use them freely.

In the last two cases, discuss with your child his expenses; it is unlikely that this will be an amount beyond the family budget. Agree that he will receive it once a month, say, on the first of the month, and spend it at his own discretion.

Pocket money and the opportunity to earn money

Children, especially teenagers, should have pocket money. It is important for them to be able to buy something, treat friends - this is the custom among them. Not everyone can ask their parents for them; many are simply embarrassed. Lack of pocket money can encourage theft. How to avoid this? Either give the child a small amount, or figure out how he can earn this money. At all times, those who wanted to find a job found one. My family lived modestly, and I started working as a loader at the market to have my own money. Now there is an opportunity to earn money using the Internet.

Parents can also help you find a part-time job. An acquaintance of mine entrusted his daughter, for a fee, with sending out job advertisements on the Internet to a large circle of people. She did this with pleasure, and in the end she helped her father and earned money. This practice seems very true to me: the child gets used to the idea that before he gets something, he has to work hard. If a teenager receives money from his parents just like that, it will seem to him that it is worth nothing - and this attitude will develop not only in relation to his own money, but also in relation to other people’s.

We solve the issues radically: what to do if the mother-in-law does not love her daughter-in-law

Whatever one may say, even the most disheveled and tense relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can be improved if you put in enough effort and time. Any problem, as we know, can be solved by approaching the matter with a certain degree of preparation. Moreover, the deeper the problem, the more time, effort and nerves you will have to put into solving it, if only for the sake of your own peace of mind, as well as family happiness.

Throw your end of the rope

In most cases, all tense relationships between two women, older and younger, end with the man finding himself in the role of a rope, which is pulled with all his might in different directions. There is no need to insist here, because he is, first of all, a son and will always maintain a sacred connection with his mother and it will hardly be possible to compete with her. Isn’t it better to simply throw in your end of the rope and give in, but at the same time, you can set a number of your own rules, which may later become a family tradition.

That is, you don’t need to take a stand and completely forbid your husband to communicate with his mother, and if you yourself feel a lack of attention, wouldn’t it be easier to tell him about it. Simply stopping him from visiting, throwing away gifts, not accepting advice and constantly complaining is definitely not an option, and all this will lead to much more disastrous results. It is quite possible that after seeing your refusal to confrontation, your mother-in-law will recall her army to its original positions.

Listen to the words and put yourself in her shoes

This simple rule works both ways. Moreover, it is worth considering that all recommendations and advice are ideally given not to inject more pain, but in order to fix something, something that suddenly went wrong

It is necessary to pay attention that most often this is advice of an economic and life nature, and it is worth listening to them, and the words “I will definitely think about it” will work much better than contempt and silence or outright refusal

They don’t seem to oblige you to anything, but they make it clear that your opinion is important and taken into account

Among other things, it’s worth thinking about the fact that in the future you, too, may have to play the role of mother-in-law at some point in the future, but you don’t want to become a grumpy and unfair aunt, always dissatisfied with something. It is best to maintain neutrality, realizing that maternal and marital love are completely different things, and to confuse them is not only stupid, but even criminal.

Correct advice

Whatever you say, when several generations live in one house, this does not lead to anything good. Those times when families of two dozen people got along well in two rooms of a village hut have long since sunk into oblivion. All problems and misunderstandings will go much smoother if young people live separately from their parents.

Does your mother-in-law not let you live in peace? Ask her for advice often!

Any person will certainly be flattered if he is asked for advice on what to do in a given situation. In family relationships, as well as in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, everything is exactly the same, with rare exceptions. Even if everything initially went wrong, it’s worth thinking about how to solve the problem with little cost. Professional psychologists believe that agreement on just a few controversial issues out of a hundred will make two people much closer to each other.

It is clear that you should not include your mother-in-law in marital secrets and relationship problems; you must decide this yourself, but the recipe for your favorite blueberry jam with lemon and pineapple is worth studying carefully

A couple of calls with clarifying questions wouldn’t hurt, and you’ll definitely be guaranteed gratitude for such attention. But first, it’s worth finding common ground, so what if she hasn’t taught her son to lift a toilet seat or she cleans once every two weeks, but she’s been watching the same series for several years, and her grandson has discovered a subtle, almost perfect ear for music, which you yourself are talking about have long suspected

Provide employment

Crimes are often committed by teenagers who have a lot of free time. Previously, we were all busy all day: school, extra classes or training, then we still had to do homework. Now everything is paid, parents do not always have the opportunity to place their children somewhere, but this needs to be done. Even if teenagers do not go to sections or clubs, we need to provide them with something to do during the day. This could be some kind of household chores, helping neighbors or acquaintances. The main thing is to prevent idleness and teach the child to work. Without this it is difficult to raise a true Christian. After all, a real Christian is not one who lies on the couch all day and says: “Lord, have mercy and give me something to eat!”, but one who works hard all day. What was Adam called to do? - to cultivate and maintain the Garden of Eden. Our task now is to cultivate what surrounds us.

Don't force your goals on your child.

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“When you turn 18, you will decide for yourself, but for now I am responsible for you!” - this phrase can often be heard from fathers and mothers. And this is normal in a situation where the life or health of a child is threatened. But parents often use this argument too often.

To raise a responsible child who will be responsible for his own life, you need to find out what his goals are. Perhaps he doesn’t want to go to the university you chose for him?

Ask your teenager what he wants! Perhaps his goal will seem stupid to you. But under no circumstances make fun of her or take her with hostility.

Any goal can be gently adjusted. First, identify the tasks that will have to be completed to achieve the chosen goal. For example, if a teenager dreams of becoming a Hollywood star, then he must understand that at a minimum he needs excellent English. Is he willing to work on it?

Often, teenagers eagerly take on the implementation of some tasks, and in the process they realize that their primary goal is false, and in fact they want something completely different.

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Without changes in the family, experts will not help

If parents find out that their child is stealing in order to take a certain place in the teenage community, they can seek help from a psychologist. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because if a person has a toothache, he goes to the dentist, if his leg hurts, he goes to the traumatologist. Behavioral problems require professional help, this is normal. In more severe cases, you may need to see a psychotherapist.

I won’t say that you need to see a doctor right away. Sometimes parents need to start devoting more time to their child, and even if they missed it in some way, there is a chance to restore this connection. There is no need to scold and immediately grab the belt - this will not help build a trusting relationship. Many of our children are simply neglected due to parental busyness. Most dads and moms give them the opportunity to sit on gadgets as long as they want or go for walks with anyone, as long as they don’t disturb them, as long as they let them rest. This leads to a loss of communication between them. No matter how confidentially such parents talk to a teenager who has committed a crime, conversations will not change anything. It is necessary to change the forms of communication, often it is even necessary to change the place of residence - because if the child communicates in the same company that led him to the crime, there will be little sense in admonishing him. If nothing changes at all in the family, then even specialists will not help, no matter how good they are.

Theft as imaginary growing up

The first conscious theft often occurs in adolescence. An expert in family psychology, Sergei Chudnyavtsev, explains this tendency by adolescents’ attempts to experience, to find the line of the forbidden, the line of the safe, the line of risk for themselves, in order to feel themselves in a new role, as an adult who makes their own decisions.

If this is the reason for theft, then the parents’ task is to show the teenager the opportunities where he can best express himself as an adult. It is important for parents to teach their children that every person has the right to their own life and their own choices, but every choice has its own consequences. An adult makes a conscious choice and accepts responsibility for its consequences.

— We need to conduct an audit in the family: haven’t we too limited the teenager from new rights, new opportunities and new experiences? Are we continuing to treat him like a child? If we try to force the image of a small child onto a teenager, he will respond to us with the wrong manifestation of adulthood. Let's balance his position more towards adulthood to show that he does not need to do things like steal to prove that he is an adult, the psychologist advises.

Making big decisions starts with small steps. As your child grows, do you allow him to make “small” decisions? Do you discuss with him what is behind the step he wants to take?

In the communication of parents who teach their child independence and responsibility from childhood, the following points are present:

I ask the child what consequences he sees for what he is doing now.
I clarify what results he wants to achieve with his actions.
I share with him my vision of the consequences of his actions.
I allow him to make mistakes and what I consider to be mistakes.
I go through with him the steps that led him to a negative outcome.
I wonder what lessons he learned from each experience and how they might influence his choices in the future.

“Parents need to understand when it’s worth interfering in their child’s life and when it’s better to stay away. Of course, this is not easy, but at the same time, non-interference is one of the most effective methods of education, says psychologist Sarah Naish.

No matter how much you want to protect your child from mistakes and disappointments, allow him to sometimes make the wrong choice and gain his own experience. Of course, we are not talking about situations that jeopardize the health and safety of the child.

Correctional institutions do not correct

A child can now go to a juvenile colony from the age of fourteen. Criminals who have turned eighteen end up in a colony for adults. We need to tell children about what actions lead to such sad consequences. You can watch films with them - feature films and documentaries - that honestly talk about the zone, life behind bars, and the fate of prisoners. For example, I always liked the movie “The Boys” - I recommend watching it with your child. There is no need to intimidate, we need to discuss.

Unfortunately, not knowing the real state of things, imagining life in colonies from movies and TV series, teenagers tend to be mistaken about what awaits them there. They think they will be like some hero who ended up in prison due to a misunderstanding and gained authority there thanks to his special character traits. But prisons have their own laws, and so do juvenile colonies. There are their own authorities who demand strict obedience, who will achieve this obedience by any means, the most cruel, perverted and disgusting - those that I don’t even want to talk about. Yes, there will be very young criminals, almost children, but we must not forget that very often children are much more cruel than adults. They don’t yet know how to live, and therefore it seems to them that violence is the best and most effective way to achieve what they want.

Violence will surround a teenager in a colony day and night. He is unlikely to be able to come out of there as a normal person. Not a single human colony has corrected it. There they only break and maim. Our entire system is designed in such a way that correctional institutions do not correct people. If a person has an inner core, his own credo, which he does not agree to cross, then perhaps he has a chance. In the end, not everyone ends up in a colony because of intentional crimes; you can, for example, hit a person with a car and end up there.

If a person does not want to take the path of crime, he has a chance, but if he chose the path of a criminal, he will no longer return to the path of an honest person, because he has his own rules, his own honor, his own ways of establishing himself. If a teenager is attracted by all this romance, he will go further, to an adult prison, where he will be taught how to live “correctly” and how to earn money. Of course, this is a dead end path. If they say that there is nothing wrong with going to a colony, don’t believe it, it’s not true. It's very scary there. I remember our visit to the guys who, after the trial, were waiting for distribution to the colonies. I can’t forget the look of one guy who realized how scary the place he was in was. It was very difficult to see.

Reasons for child theft

Why children steal money from their parents - the science of psychology will answer this question. There are actually a lot of reasons. And all of them are associated with the unstable child’s psyche, the characteristics of family upbringing, and the personal development of the child. And the options for solving the problem depend on what to do in cases where:

the child has just started stealing - he did it for the first time;
does this systematically - despite punishment.

Reasons for child theft:

The child is driven by the desire to get what he wants at any cost. Here, of course, you need to think very seriously: are these miscalculations of your upbringing or the wishes of the child that still need to be taken into account? If one of the parents cannot understand this and frivolously believes that wanting does not mean now and immediately, and in general the teenager has no right to allow himself to do this, think before cruelly punishing him, because this happened for the first time! Imagine yourself in the place of a child. Let's say you want something very passionately. You immediately focus all your energy on this, rush to earn money to satisfy your need or desire, and look for ways to achieve your goal. Now - a child. You immediately refused him, maybe even tried to explain the reason and forgot about it. And the desire flares up with renewed vigor, and he goes to steal. In this case, think, maybe it’s worth satisfying such desires of children? Of course, without constantly indulging them in this. Or you need to talk to them, explaining why not all desires can be fulfilled, giving examples from life. But most importantly, remember: you are an example for him. If a child sees that you satisfy your desires immediately (wanted - acquired), he is unlikely to listen to you and your arguments. And since he does not have the resources of an adult (money, other opportunities), he, unable to restrain his emotions, resorted to theft. If we are talking about a repeated case of theft, then this already concerns education.
If a child steals, he may be driven by a desire to attract attention, for example, to fill an emotional void - which is typical for children under the age of 10. Here the little person knows very well that this is bad and certainly punishable, but he does this act because in this way he can draw the attention of adults to himself. Such behavior should tell you that the child lacks the emotional warmth of his parents, care, and conversations with you. Look at yourself: are you paying enough attention to your children?
The reason for theft is, of course, the lack of proper education. This sometimes happens unintentionally and goes unnoticed by some parents. The child once took his aunt’s bag to play, although she asked not to touch it - no one stopped him. Another time he gets into his uncle’s car without asking. For the third time, the girl, without asking anyone, takes her mother’s jewelry. And then the child gets used to the fact that it is possible to take other people’s things - they are not punished for this and there is nothing wrong with it. But that’s not possible. Everyone has personal belongings, and in order to use them, you must ask the owner.
Resentment towards an adult, resulting in a kind of revenge, can also become the cause of theft. This happens for various reasons. For example, it may be like this: you took something from a child without asking (perhaps he already understands that he also has personal belongings), and in revenge he steals something from you. Or you seriously offended him, and he doesn’t know what to do in response. It is clear that not everything is clear here either. And the reasons for this behavior are not entirely clear. But that is another story.
There are also thefts for fun, such as imitating the actions of friends or those in authority. Typically, such theft occurs in stores and supermarkets. In this case, you need to take care of the child’s environment, understand why he easily violates norms for the sake of the desire to be “in the pack.” We must teach him to say “no”, to act independently in any situation, under no circumstances being led by anyone other than his own values and norms.

Myths!

It is believed that children from disadvantaged, financially unprotected families steal more often. However, it is not. If parents or other close people in childhood were able to give the child clear moral guidelines, the likelihood that he will violate them is extremely low.
They also believe that if a child is accustomed to receiving everything on demand, then he is capable of stealing if refused. However, here everything also depends on upbringing and the atmosphere in the family.

Remember that almost all child behavior problems originate in your family relationships. If a child is given attention, he can always trust his parents, and an atmosphere of emotional well-being reigns in his family; he is unlikely to commit an offense or follow the lead of authority. Then he has no stronger authority than his dad or mom.

Please note that a 10-year-old child does not yet know the value of things at all. Therefore, it is worth remembering this. Sometimes a child takes something without asking, for example, chewing gum from your pocket, your shirt (and accidentally ruins it). You consider this not a misdemeanor (chewing gum) or an annoying misunderstanding (shirt) and do not punish him, do not say anything, at best you brush it off, and there is no educational moment at all. And then the child takes your tablet without asking, takes it outside and accidentally breaks it. This is where sincere indignation and educational measures begin. “How dare you take someone else’s property without asking! You haven't earned it yet! You just stole the thing and ruined it!” - these are the words that you believe you are rightly expressing to him. And the roots of such a “crime” are there, in those moments when you frivolously turned away from the fact that he was “checking” your pockets and putting on your clothes without asking. For him, the value of a tablet is not clear, and he does not understand the difference between a laptop and a shirt, a mother’s bag for 30 thousand rubles and lipstick. Give your child at least some pocket money so that he can buy something himself. The point here is not to prevent theft, but to make him begin to understand the value of the things he is purchasing.

Other dangers

It is impossible to protect children from all the evils in the world. Danger can come from unexpected places. To prevent trouble, you need to know your children's social circle. However, in the modern world, this is not enough: now children communicate on social networks, on various sites, and monitoring such communication is much more difficult. We all remember the hype around the Blue Whale community, which encouraged teenagers to commit suicide. People influenced children from a distance, and often well-to-do children.

Teenagers are controllable, and skilled psychologists know how to make them either stand “on watch” during a robbery or plant drugs in the right place. Our task is not to be indifferent. We must talk about the dangers, monitor who the child communicates with, and do everything again and again so that the thread of trust does not break. I don't mean asking for secrets, but normal communication. Of course, it will not protect you from everything, but it will give you the opportunity not to get confused in an unexpected situation.

We need to be vigilant. There is a blind love for children, which does not think about the fact that a child cannot grow up without restrictions and boundaries. But without control and restrictions, a child’s life will turn into chaos, and our task is to create these frameworks. And, of course, you need to pray for your children - this is the main weapon of Christian parents.

Archpriest Georgy Tsyganov

Value of money

In addition, you need to remember that for a child the amounts of 50 kopecks and 50 rubles often make no difference. Not knowing the value of money, the child often does not realize the extent of the damage caused to the family, so the argument “you know that this is a huge amount” will not work on him. For example, when 5-year-old Mashenka, who regularly stole “iron” money from her parents and grandmother, was asked what she would choose: 10 coins of 10 kopecks or one large coin “5 rubles”, the girl answered without hesitation - 10 coins, Certainly!

For the most part, children have an idea of amount and value, but don't think that a child won't dare take the wad of money he's saving for his summer vacation. Ideally, the child should not even know where the family piggy bank is.

It may well happen that, not understanding the value of “pieces of paper,” your child will easily take these “candy wrappers” to kindergarten to play, as 6-year-old Vadim did. When my mother wailed at a psychologist’s appointment that she “would have understood if her son had taken a small amount but taken all the money out of the house,” she was hardly convinced that the child was not planning the “crime of the century.” Seeing how much his parents valued these pieces of paper, he decided to take them to the group

Vadim did not have a good relationship with children, and in this way he wanted to win the attention of his classmates and find friends

If an adopted child steals, what should you do?

A foster child steals.
In foster families, it also happens that a child steals. However, this is not always theft. Adults can sometimes worry not only about how the child acted, but also have their own fears. For example, they are afraid that others will judge them.

Concerns about a child stealing because he is adopted really do exist. But there is no need to blame genes here. The fact is that children's development is closely intertwined with the experience of successful attachment. That is, in this case the child needs to develop a conscience. It is this that creates the fear of losing the respect of loved ones, and it’s not even a matter of punishment.

Many children who are raised in a family already by the age of six or seven understand perfectly well what is and is not possible. At first they just don't want to upset their parents. But they can only consciously act according to their conscience at the age of 12 or around that time. By this same age, control over one’s actions also appears. This is due not only to the correct development of the child himself, but also of his nervous system.

When children lived in a dysfunctional family or an orphanage, their conscience may develop a little later. It is more difficult for them to sympathize with others because they have not had such experience. The child has not yet had a relationship that was dear to him, and therefore the value of things comes to the fore.

Every adoptive parent should understand that the child will need more time to learn to behave correctly. Yes, and external control will not hurt. This is not about suspicion of the child, but about creating conditions for learning new rules of life.

Moreover, if a child steals not out of commercialism, then it is important to fight not the problem, but the cause of its occurrence. You need to show your child that you support him and are ready to solve his problems. Then, over time, he will no longer need to steal, because he will learn to deal with difficulties differently.

Let him know that this is unacceptable

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You need to make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate theft in your home, and clearly communicate to him the consequences of stealing in the future. If this happens again, be sure to implement the consequences you promised him. However, do not forget about the presumption of innocence, so do not rummage through your child’s things until you have clear evidence that he has started stealing again.

Theft of children from poor and rich families: is there a difference?

Paradoxically, children in rich families steal more and more often. Since the problem of money is not acute here, parents do not explain to their child that theft is not a positive behavioral trait.

And the child, without remorse, takes money from guests, servants, and relatives. For a long time, no one blames or suspects that banknotes disappear due to the fault of their own children. The daughter or son feels safe. They are confident in parental love and favor, an abundance of money and their own impunity turns into a vice over time.

What to do if a child from a rich family steals? The psychologist's advice is based on a diagnosis of a nervous disorder due to lack of attention, kleptomania, or misunderstanding of the value of banknotes.

Children from poor families observe how carefully their parents distribute and spend the money they earn, how they count “every penny” and usually do not steal from their parents. The risk of exposure is too high, followed by punitive measures

In addition, the child begins to quickly realize the importance of banknotes

It is much easier for a child from a disadvantaged family to steal a pack of chips, a chocolate bar or cookies from the supermarket. From their point of view, this is not as dangerous as stealing from loved ones. And if the thief does not get caught for a long time, then the thefts will be repeated repeatedly. If he is exposed, then stress and shock will have their effect and the offense may become isolated and will not occur again.

Regardless of social status, children can steal both at home and at school. This is due to several reasons:

a strong desire to possess someone else’s thing, although there are remorse;
material insecurity or psychological dissatisfaction;
unformed concept of morality and willpower.