How to learn to manage your emotions? Advice from a psychologist.

Concept, functions of emotions.

Emotions are one of the 7 most important areas of our psyche. It lives in the brain. Those. emotions are controlled by our brain. The limbic system is the home of our feelings. It is designed in such a way that it most directly receives all information from the environment and from our body. Feelings are most directly related to our behavior. They can even make us feel motivated to act.

Three main functions.

Signal. It is emotions, understanding what is happening in our body, around us, that give us information about our needs and how we should react to some event that happens in our life. If this is an event that we don’t like, then we begin to experience negative emotions, they say, “Get away from this.” When we experience an event that our senses regard as pleasant, they tell us, “Get closer to it.”
Regulatory. They regulate the tension we experience. When we express our feelings, it decreases. That is, they help us not to burn out. It is by listening to our needs and taking every step as they dictate that emotions regulate our lives. Because we thus transform it into a purposeful, single, logically consistent structure. Feelings are our guiding thread, following which we live an integral life.
Communicative. By expressing feelings, we give the other person and everyone around us very important and valuable information about our well-being. As a result, they can regulate their behavior so that our relationships become as close and prosperous as possible. That is, by expressing emotions, we build relationships.

Ability to distinguish between emotions.

Basic emotions.

Basic ones are those that arose in us during the process of evolution; they are genetically determined. Animals have them too. The main ones are: five negative and three positive.

Negative feelings:

Anger;
Sadness;
Shame and guilt;
Anxiety and fear;
Disgust.

They are as good, helpful as they are positive. They are called negative not because they are bad, but because they tell us that the event that caused them is unpleasant for us.

Positive feelings:

Joy;
Interest;
Love.

What does each emotion signal?

Anger suggests that a situation is happening now when someone is violating our boundaries or our needs are not being met.

Sadness tells us that we have lost something or that there has been a separation from some object that is important to us. Either we are tired and have lost our resource, we need restoration.

Shame and guilt tell us that we have done something bad. It is important for us not to do this again in the future. Because our relationships with loved ones deteriorate as a result.

Anxiety and fear suggest that an event is happening in our lives that we are not coping with well enough; we need to mobilize our resources. Or an event is happening now that ended negatively in the past, we must try to correct this situation.

Disgust - says that we don’t like some thing, we need to get away from it and no longer be near it.

Positive emotions signal that we are doing something right, good, and close to our source of strength and energy. Therefore, we must reproduce such events as much as possible in the future so that life is joyful, interesting, fun and happy.

Separation by intensity.

They are divided into:

Weak from 1 to 3;
Average from 3 to 7;
Strong from 7 to 10.

Why is it important? Because we should always strive to ensure that our feelings are either weak or average. It is in this case that we control emotions, and not they control us. If they become too strong, then it is always stress, we cannot control them and ourselves. At such moments we act without thinking, impulsively.

If the level of emotions is above 10, then they begin to move:

either into somatics, into the body, then a psychosomatic disease may arise;
or we may go into shock. Affective shock reaction. When, for example, during a fire people are thrown out of windows.
In a stupor, when an emotion completely takes over a person.

What to do with emotions?

1. Let it be

The most important thing you must do is to allow yourself to feel absolutely all emotions, to understand that this is you, real and alive. This is the whole paradox: to control them, you must first allow them to be.

2.Examine your reactions to different situations and circumstances

For example, people react to aggression towards them in a completely different way, some curse in response, others may cry, some freeze and get scared, some run away, and for others this situation will then be remembered for a very long time, destroying self-esteem and peace. Therefore, study yourself, and then, knowing your reactions, you will be able to simulate situations in order to avoid embarrassment. You will know and feel at what point you can lose control of yourself, and you will simply take care in advance to prevent this.

3.Control of feelings

Some people believe that in order to control their emotions, you just need to stop feeling. Now let's think about the fact that it is impossible to stop feeling only negative emotions; if a barrier arises, it will not allow absolutely any through. Are you ready to stop rejoicing, experiencing happiness, tenderness, interest and love? When this happens, others say that the person is like a wall or a robot. The only problem is that it seems to us that we don’t feel anything, in fact, processes are happening inside that over time can lead to prolonged depression.

4. Recognize the usefulness of each emotion

Yes, yes, yes, even anger. Because it arises at the moment when your boundaries are violated, something happens that you don’t like or don’t want. Or disgust - if we didn’t experience it, we could have poisoned ourselves long ago, and I’m not just talking about food, but even about information and events. Sadness signals that something in your life was valuable to you, and you currently lack it.

And so with absolutely every emotion, they all carry value and perform certain functions. And if you allow them to be, live through even sadness, sadness and pain, without devaluing their role, then there will be free space for other feelings that will definitely arise in the future. And then you will develop, gaining experience and awareness. If you block, you will stop, thereby preventing yourself from moving forward.

Maybe you've heard that there is such a thing as prolonged grief? This is when the process of recovery from an experienced trauma or loss is delayed because a person does not allow himself to feel any unpleasant sensations due to different beliefs, or reluctance to experience them. And then a person loses the desire to live, the ability to rejoice, and this can continue for many years, right up to death.

5.Management

Managing them is about finding a form for expression. If you feel irritable, beat the pillow; if you are very angry, when you still want to scream, run a bath and yell into the water; nothing will be heard, but the energy will be released. To avoid destroying yourself, try to free yourself safely. If you feel very anxious, do some exercise to relieve excess stress; running or swimming are ideal.

6. Rest

Allow yourself to rest, because instability of behavior and loss of control over oneself occurs in moments of fatigue, when there are absolutely no resources and nothing to rely on. If you notice that your condition has been changing lately, change your surroundings, organize a vacation or a quality and pleasant vacation. Some people love parties, others enjoy being alone or spending time in nature. Just do something that makes you relax, that brings you a feeling of peace, calm, joy and saturation. Then, having gained strength, you will not react so painfully to stress.

7.Meditation

Correct breathing techniques will help you control yourself in any situation, because the impact of external stimuli will not be perceived so closely. I recommend practicing meditation because, in addition to health, you will become a balanced and happy person. You can read about the benefits in my article “What is meditation and what will it give to the common person”, and also try to practice it yourself using a technique that is quite accessible to everyone, also outlined on the blog: “The easiest to learn and effective way of meditation.”

8.Creativity

It is imperative to give an outlet to any energy so that it does not turn out to be destructive and toxic. There is even a direction in psychotherapy called art therapy. It involves drawing, sculpting, carving and many other ways that help you become aware of yourself and free yourself from tension, fear, and other things. Because, for example, in the process of drawing, you give your subconscious the opportunity to reach you so that you hear and understand it.

Therefore, we can also receive some vital answers by allowing our hand to move with a brush or pencil on the paper. It is easy to free yourself, for example, from anger and fear by giving them the opportunity to give them shape, and then destroying the drawing, tearing it up or throwing it away.

The ability to recognize feelings.

After you have learned to recognize emotions and before you can express them, you must learn to recognize them.

Why is this necessary?

To act adequately, your behavior was reasonable and normal. So that you don't do stupid things that you will regret later. That is, your feelings must be recognized in order for you to act normally. Because we always act under their influence, although we don’t realize it.

How to realize?

There can be two types of awareness of emotions:

separately specific points taken;
over time.

To be aware of feelings in the first case means to understand:

what event caused this emotion;
what do you think about this now;
what you are experiencing;
what physical reactions are there at this moment;
how you are going to act.

Being aware of your predominant emotional reactions over time is necessary to get rid of all psychological problems. To do this, you need to fill out a tablet for recording negative thoughts over the course of several weeks. Identify the automatic negative thoughts that are behind your emotions and get rid of them.

The table should consist of four columns:

What incident happened?
What was I thinking?
What did you feel?
And what am I doing?

By filling out such a plate, you will be able to identify emotions that are overdeveloped.

Example.

What's happened?	What did I think?	What did I feel?	What am I doing?
I need to speak in public.	I will fail, I will perform poorly, the speech will not be interesting, etc.	Anxiety	I'm preparing for the event, but I refuse to perform.
The child ate a leaf from a houseplant.	If this plant is poisonous, he will die.	Anxiety	I called the pediatrician, asked if the child would die, and washed his mouth with water.
I didn't come to the party on time.	Well, others came even earlier, they helped, but I didn’t.	Guilt	All evening I pleased everyone, asked how they were doing, even if I didn’t want to.

How parents can overcome negative emotions

Are our feelings dangerous? No. But most of us are afraid of strong feelings. Both your own and your children’s feelings. Why is this happening?

The power of emotional reactions is sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes we want to hit someone. And if we follow our emotions, allowing ourselves to spank a child, yell at a spouse, or lash out at a work colleague, we greatly regret such actions. There are times when we cannot withstand strong emotions and take it out on loved ones. At the same time, we justify our actions by blaming others for everything.

Is it necessary to suppress emotions? No. After all, when we suppress feelings and emotions, the likelihood that we will act based on them increases. Emotions are a reaction to what is happening. Of course, other people cannot impose emotions on us - they belong to us, and they arise when we interpret events in a certain way.

But for the body, emotions are real because they trigger the release of stress hormones. When we suppress our feelings rather than acknowledge them, they become overwhelming. At some point, it becomes impossible to control emotions, and we lose control over them and what is happening around us.

Luckily, you can learn to manage your emotions and find healthy ways to express them.

Allow yourself to feel all emotions, but do not be guided by them in your actions. By learning to control our emotions, we can control our behavior. By suppressing emotions, we lose the ability to consciously control them, so they can flare up unexpectedly and lead to unwanted actions.

Of course, this is easier said than done. If your parents didn't help you learn to manage your emotions as a child, it may seem impossible. Fortunately, over time, managing feelings and emotions becomes easier and easier because you literally “reprogram” your brain. Let's look at a few recommendations on how to do this.

Tip #1: Allow yourself and your child to feel all emotions.

Notice them. Accept them. Recognize it as an integral part of the human psyche. Getting angry, worrying, screaming, laughing, crying - all these are common emotional manifestations in a person’s life. You are mistaken if you think that it is beneficial for a child to live in an atmosphere of suppression of feelings and emotions.

Tip #2: Control your behavior

Even if you accept that your child may be jealous of his little brother, this does not mean that he can hit him. Even if you admit that you are annoyed by your two-year-old's whims, that doesn't mean you can yell at him.

Tip #3: Understand that emotions come and go.

Just because you feel something today does not mean you will feel the same tomorrow. Don't get attached to your feelings. You are not “angry” or “sad.” You just feel angry or sad at the moment. You are stronger than your strongest emotions.

Tip #4. Don't take feelings personally

If a child shows anger towards you, this does not mean that this anger is directed at you personally. Just because you're angry at your spouse doesn't mean he's wrong. You shouldn’t look for someone to blame under the influence of negativity at all.

Tip #5: Pay attention to how you protect yourself from emotions.

When people are sad, hurt, or disappointed, they may find it difficult to tolerate these feelings, so they feel angry. Then they spank the child, blame their spouse, or say something unflattering about their co-workers. Anger is a way of defense, the body’s reaction to stress hormones. Stay in touch with your underlying feelings of fear or sadness, and the anger will pass.

Tip #6: Resist the urge to act on your feelings.

When you need to act urgently, you are under the influence of stress hormones. Stop and take a few deep breaths. Do not take any action. If a child experiences strong emotions, do not yell at him: in such situations he is defensive and not ready to cooperate (when a child feels bad, he behaves badly). Don't take actions that you might regret once the negative emotions have subsided (such as breaking up with your partner or quitting your job).

Tip #7: Understand that you can’t draw conclusions based on negative emotions.

“My husband doesn’t love me,” “My boss doesn’t appreciate my work,” “My child will grow up to be a bully,” and other “statements” are nothing more than your conjectures caused by the influence of the moment and negative experiences.

Tip #8: Pay attention to your feelings when you’re calm.

Breathe deeply, accept your feelings, feel them - this way you will help them come out. In this way, you will heal from old emotional traumas and get rid of emotional baggage.

Tip #9: View Your Emotions as Food for Thought

This will motivate you to solve the problem once you have calmed down. For example, when you are upset, you may feel it is right to force your child to do something the way you want it. But when you calm down, you will find a more effective way to achieve mutual understanding.

Tip #10: Remember that stressful situations are not the best time to solve serious problems.

When things get tense, start by helping everyone calm down and feel safe. Then find a solution that benefits everyone. Make sure that this situation does not happen again in the future.

The child learns to manage emotions from you. And your example makes him understand that emotions are an integral part of a person, and they can be controlled. Listen to them, but don't give them power over you. After all, they're just feelings.