Why are women shy about men?

I had a friend who, at the age of 17, had 4 suitors. One took her for a ride on a motorcycle. Another helped to study – i.e. college lover. The third was nasty, but rich, and gave her gifts. And she wanted to marry the fourth.

So, with the first one, she smoked, drank beer and swore. She behaved as she liked with the second one - he was happy with any manifestation of her attention. And with the third and fourth, she went on dates in a pleated skirt below the knee, rolled her eyes and pretended to be modest, embarrassed with or without reason.

She got married as planned, after receiving all possible gifts from the third and saying the cherished “Yes” to the fourth. Why? Because she was “modest”. And shyness, as we know, adorns a woman better than anything else.

But why?

Because the relationship between a man and a woman involves the birth of offspring. Where a man gives his seed, and a woman rents out her womb (I wrote more about this topic in the article “Sex through the eyes of a man and a woman”

). And every man is extremely interested in raising and raising HIS offspring. And when he sees a modest and chaste girl, he understands: “This is her!”

But, unfortunately, nothing worked out for my friend, because... it turned out that she gave birth to a child from the one who rode her on a motorcycle... The divorce happened after a year of married life. As they say, she was young and stupid - her secret was revealed.

Since then she has wised up and once again got married successfully. Because He knows how to behave as he pleases in different life situations, but he no longer reveals his secrets to anyone :).

Why does a woman sometimes behave meanly?

Everything is clear with my friend. She was raised by a mother who was angry with men and was abandoned by her husband with a baby in her arms. The mother had many lovers, but she did not love any of them - because... I believed that you shouldn’t expect anything good from men... And if you shouldn’t wait, that means you just need to use them. She raised her daughter to be just as angry with men.

The truth now arises: is modesty really a feminine virtue? Or is this also a way to fool another man?

Why are you shy?

Is it useful or harmful? Let's think about it.

“I don’t want to get married... I understand that I don’t want to remain a single woman by the age of 30 (I’m 25), and I now live with a young man, and I don’t want to let everything go to waste...
I feel my femininity, and sometimes I’m a little scared. If I put on a dress or even just heels, I feel like a princess - and there is a lot of attention from men. I'm just embarrassed! I feel eyes on me, while I am dressed modestly, don’t think so, and my gait is not bad, quite adequate - there is nothing abnormal. Even when I don’t look very good, to put it mildly, in sneakers and a hooded sweater, after the rain, without sleep - even then young people come up to me to get to know each other...
And I’m embarrassed by all this and don’t want to attract unnecessary attention - because... the vector of my development is now aimed at career, money, integrity and health.”
Kate.

How to stop being shy about a guy

which you really like

Many girls are familiar with the feeling of constraint when communicating with a young man for whom they feel sympathy. Usually this behavior is caused by one factor: the girl is afraid of looking stupid in front of a young man. If you are also afraid that the guy you like won’t seem witty enough, and therefore avoid communicating with him, then you are making a big mistake. Just be yourself. It’s a rare guy who considers the skills of a good storyteller to be the main advantage in the opposite sex. If the guy has already begun to pay attention to you, and you have the opportunity to communicate with him, then you have managed to interest him according to completely different criteria.

The one you're dating

I'm embarrassed to eat and drink in front of him

There are often cases when girls cannot overcome their embarrassment and start eating or drinking in front of a young man. There may be several reasons for this. Perhaps you believe that the sight of you eating food is not aesthetic, and it will be unpleasant for the guy to watch it. It is possible that you feel like you are swallowing “loudly” and chewing your food sloppily. It may also be that you are afraid that the moment you start devouring your dessert or a more serious dish, the guy will ask you some question, and you will not be able to answer immediately and clearly.

How do losers think?

Katya, the human brain is aimed at solving your problems. If you want to lie in bed for half a day and not go to training, your intellect will find a couple of dozen of the best excuses for your weak-willed behavior.

And this is very sad, because... an alcoholic will always find good reasons to get drunk, a stupid person - to quarrel with someone, an anxious person - to eat a whole cake... And if you ask these people why they did THIS, their intellect will find hundreds of excuses.

In particular, our brain is excellent at justifying our complexes and false beliefs. For example, in your case, he justifies his inability to communicate with men by saying that you don’t need it at all. And finds other goals in life. And even if it’s not logical to have an unnecessary restriction, it’s convenient...

Why can't people think logically?

Modern psychology proves that the thoughts in our heads are not consciousness. This is something completely different... And a famous experiment conducted by two Harvard scientists proved this perfectly.

They took several apartments with different characteristics. Among them, only one had the maximum conditions for a comfortable stay, the rest were much worse.

Having gathered an audience of students, scientists forced them to THINK which apartment they liked best. The students were divided into three groups. The first group had to answer immediately after listening to all the characteristics of the apartments. The second group was given 3 minutes to think. And the third one was not allowed to think at all, and was forced to spend 3 minutes solving simple mathematical examples.

And what group of students do you think gave the maximum number of correct answers?

Well? Well…

I will surprise you - but the one where they solved examples, and there was no way to think normally.

The first group was less successful.

And the worst results were shown by the group that was given the opportunity to THINK for 3 minutes about which apartment to choose...

And what conclusion can be drawn?

When we THINK for a LONG time, we make wrong decisions.

But why is everything happening like this?

Because there is ONE CORRECT and logically sound decision. But when you think, you begin to take into account various factors: “What will happen if this happens? What if this is the case?..”

In your brain, in addition to correct and smart connections between neurons, there are also your complexes, fears, and false attitudes. And your brain ALSO takes them into account.

When a person is shy, what does he think about? “I can’t, what if they refuse! You can’t do that, you have to be more modest!”

Having shyness, the only right solution is to get rid of this complex and develop your communication skills.

But if a person has false beliefs and attitudes that contradict reality, he will make the wrong decision.

This is why our world is full of seemingly smart people, but there are so many losers in it. Those who make WRONG decisions every day.

When a cadet writes to me about her problem, my task is to identify her false attitudes. Dispel her doubts. Show the reasons for her complex and the harm they cause her. And then she HERSELF makes a competent and logical decision in life.

What to do if a girl is shy?

Shyness is not a bad trait for a girl. On the contrary, if you want a quiet and modest nature as your chosen one, then a shy girl would be a good option. The main thing is not to put pressure on her, do not rush, give her time to get used to you - and then the reward in the form of her attention will not keep you waiting long.

So the main points when communicating with a shy girl:

Accept her for who she is. Shy people tend to be very quiet and modest. They are focused on their inner world and are less concerned about what happens outside. But remember that there are exceptions to all rules, and as they say: “There are devils in still waters.” As a rule, this expression always works, and if a girl is quiet and modest in society, this does not mean at all that she will be like that in family life; rather, on the contrary, a surprise awaits you.
Patience, patience and more patience. As a rule, shy girls are very reluctant to allow strangers into their environment. After all, bringing someone closer means opening up your entire inner world to him, and this is oh, how difficult it is for this type of person.
Make a date in quiet, cozy places where there won't be a lot of people, and where you can talk calmly and get to know each other better.
Try to find out about her hobbies and interests and share them with her. Perhaps she likes long bike rides or does some kind of creative work. Show interest in her activities, and you will feel the shyness go away. She will feel comfortable being at ease.
Try not to immediately dump all your relatives and friends on her. Get to know everyone gradually. After all, for a shy person, just the thought of meeting them can cause terrible fear and panic.

Don't miss: Emotional intelligence: what is it, development of emotional intelligence, and EQ test

Remember!
It is quite difficult to win the affection of a shy girl, but it is possible. Build only a trusting relationship with her, help her get to know you better and then she will reward you in full with love and care. Only you will become the center of her small universe.

We need to be more modest! Why?

Let's turn to our history. In patriarchal times, modesty and shyness were considered a feminine virtue. Why?

Because then “mind, honor and conscience” were the man who provided for the family, and the woman was his property. The woman, to put it mildly, was considered stupid. Remember: “A chicken is not a bird, a woman is not a person”?

The man's job was to provide for his family. And a woman’s task is to give birth to children and serve the household. Since the woman could not think with her own head, the man had to think for her. But since the issue of education in those days was poorly resolved, only a select few could read and write - the church thought for everyone. And she also educated everyone. And the church was controlled by the state.

What did the state need? Good revenues to the treasury from the population, and the struggle with neighbors for new lands and resources - i.e. there are many able-bodied peasants and soldiers. And who provided all this? Women. Therefore, the church taught that the meaning of a woman’s life is to give birth to many children. And the main benefit of a woman is shyness.

You see, in their opinion, a priori a woman was never able to think with her own head, and in order for a stupid woman not to give birth to children from her neighbor, she was obliged to be shy. This really saved marriages, because... men were guaranteed to raise their children. And they performed their function well: they paid huge taxes and fees, raised soldiers and married off their daughters.

Now times have changed, and in our modern times the issue of overpopulation of the earth has become acute. Therefore, having many children is no longer fashionable. And science has proven that a woman is also a person, and is capable of thinking no worse than a man. And she is able to decide for herself how many children she needs - two or ten.

Is modesty a blessing?

But why did shyness remain? And why do many women still suffer from shyness?

Mainly due to parental upbringing and restrictions. Many parents are religious, and in all seriousness they are convinced that it is extremely necessary for a woman to be shy and shine with the “nth” good deed.

Many parents do not know how to think for themselves, and raise their children the way their parents did. And their parents do as their parents did... So the Domostroevsky leaven still lives in our families. And nothing good comes of it. Because It is extremely difficult to raise a religious, shy and chaste girl in the modern world of temptations and accessibility, but to raise a complex one is as much as you want.

If a girl herself approaches a boy to get to know him, her parents point at her! After all, you have to be HUMBLE. This is right! Why is this right? Where did they get this from?

When an already adult daughter strives to find a worthy husband, she is embarrassed... to meet him. After all, a woman must be shy. This is right!

And when she falls in love with some dunce, and he invites her to throw away her modesty and have sex as quickly as possible, he says “Yes.” Why? Because she is also embarrassed or doubts to refuse him...

And the result? The girl, embarrassed, cannot find a worthy life partner, so she sleeps with just anyone. Often becomes a single mother or has abortions. Or marries some dunce...

Losers don't know how to think logically. And all because their parents instill in them many unnecessary attitudes.

When shyness is a barrier

Katerina, what do you have now?

You live with a guy who doesn't suit you. This is perfectly clear from your letter: “I don’t want to get married... I understand that I don’t want to remain a single woman by the age of 30... I don’t want to let everything go to waste.”

Actually, you WANT everything to go away. Otherwise, they would write what YOU actually DO in order to strengthen the relationship.

What do you really have?

You have an inferiority complex, because... you are embarrassed to please the men around you. Because of this complex, you are deprived of the opportunity to charm men and choose a worthy life partner.

Therefore, you continue to live with someone you don’t like and wait for your relationship to fizzle out.

Think about it, why should you be embarrassed? You are a full-fledged female person, an adult, self-sufficient. You have every right to talk to men, to interest them in you, to charm them. You can master communication skills and attract the best husband into your life.

Being shy is not normal. This is self-limitation, these are complexes and false attitudes. Why do you need them?

Write down what benefits you get from being modest:

* Do you allow yourself to remain a victim of circumstances? * Is there something you DON’T want to do, that’s why you’re embarrassed? * Are you afraid of something, that’s why you’re shy? * Do you allow yourself to remain a little girl without your own opinion and choice in life?

You see what's going on. When a person begins to work through one of his simplest problems, he can bring to the light of God another, more global and harmful one. Therefore, I recommend working through your complex and identifying ALL the reasons and benefits.

Success stories

How to overcome shyness

First of all, you need to raise your self-esteem. If a guy turns his attention to you, it means he already likes you. Accordingly, you are attractive even without additional effort. However, there is no limit to perfection; you can always improve your image even more. And at the same time get rid of the nuances that inspire uncertainty. To do this you need to do the following:

Take a close look at your reflection in the mirror. Try to impartially assess which of your features give you the most charm, and which can be attributed more to shortcomings. From now on, try to emphasize the advantages. For example, if you have a beautiful smile, take advantage of it and smile more often, even when you are embarrassed. And if you don’t like the shape of your nose (by the way, this doesn’t mean that the guy doesn’t like your nose either), then divert attention to your eyes, lips, and hairstyle. All this can be emphasized with makeup and hair styling. You should play with your figure in the same way.
Get rid of the little things that can sap your confidence. For example, a manicure should always be neat, clothes should be neat, and hair should be clean and well-groomed. If you are confident that when a guy touches your hand, he will feel the soft skin and smell a pleasant aroma, you will not want to take your hand away as if he had been electrocuted.
Find some “signature gesture” that will help you hide your embarrassment. Rehearse in front of the mirror in advance, going through several options. Take the one that seems sweeter and more spontaneous to you. For example, touching your chin with the tip of your index finger or twirling a strand of hair around your finger, stroking the back of your hand, gently tilting your head - such a gesture/movement will allow you to calm down, concentrate, and find balance. In addition, this will once again help draw the guy’s attention to the beauty of your hands or neck line.
Learn not to be embarrassed by your own embarrassment. In other words, face your fears. If you suddenly feel that embarrassment has inappropriately taken hold of you again, tell the guy directly: “For some reason I always get lost next to you, I really don’t know what’s wrong with me!” or “Sorry, but I still feel embarrassed around you. But I promise I’ll try to get used to it.”