In his life, a person often faces aggression, inexplicable attacks, criticism and hatred from strangers, close friends and even relatives. If you react to all this, you can ruin your life, says James Altucher, a famous American trader, investor, entrepreneur and writer, author of many books on self-development and personal growth. T&P translated an article from his blog about how to deal with those who can't stand you.
Making strangers hate yourself is very easy: just have your own opinion, be creative and be yourself.
Anyone can become your hater: a relative, friend, colleague, teacher, boss, or just a stranger on the street or on the Internet. Former friends can unexpectedly become enemies. You need to know what to do in such situations. Most haters are invisible, anonymous, and they try to get inside your head because they have such a unique way of communicating. Example: Someone recently reviewed my audiobook.
“This is just terrible... an author should never read his own books out loud again. He has a lazy, mumbled way of speaking that makes it very difficult to believe what he says. There seems to be no interest in his voice, as if it is a burden for him to convey these valuable sprouts of knowledge to us, poor unfortunate listeners.”
I don't look for compliments. Some people like my audiobook, some don't. Once at school, in the 7th grade, we were reading a book out loud, and when it was my turn, one girl said: “Oh no! Just not his voice...” Maybe she left a review? Whatever we do in life, some will hate us, others will laugh or gossip, others will attack from behind, some will take money or try to destroy our reputation, some will threaten, tease or intimidate.
So listen up: There are rules to help you beat the haters, anonymous, virtual and real, among your colleagues, family and those you love.
It's complicated. I don't always succeed, but I'm gradually improving. And when I manage to follow these rules, the results in my life improve. I hope it works out for you too.
The problem is the hater himself
It's a little cliche, but it's true. Behind any anger there is fear.
He who hates is at the same time afraid of something. This doesn't mean you have to say, "Poor thing, he's just afraid." But it is worth noting this fact for yourself.
For example, in the example above, the woman who wrote the review said “poor unfortunate listeners.” Perhaps she is afraid of being poor and unhappy, which is why she hears these words from everywhere. This is her life problem.
Often people say: "Don't worry, they're just jealous." Maybe. Or maybe not. We can't read their minds. It’s none of my business why someone has one opinion or another about me.
But something is happening in the lives of these people that causes fear. And this fear is expressed in aggression towards you. They are projecting their own fear onto you. For a short time you turn into the monster that was inside them. Anger is simply fear released.
Here's How to Overcome Self-Hatred
If you experience severe self-hatred, especially when you self-harm, it is highly recommended that you seek professional help from a doctor. In this way, psychological therapies can be developed that help overcome self-hatred in the long term and replace it with more positive emotions towards oneself.
But you can do something on your own to avoid this condition and learn to value yourself again and perhaps even develop self-love.
Find the reasons for self-hatred
The first step should always be to pay closer attention to where self-loathing actually comes from. In other words: what in yourself causes negative emotions and rejection? It may have something to do with behavior, characteristics or appearance. Often it is also a combination of different factors.
Dealing with these issues can be painful, but it is important and necessary to identify the source of the problem and thus overcome self-hatred.
Realize your strengths
If a person suffers from self-loathing, this will likely be a completely new experience for him. You need to take a piece of paper and write down everything you are good at or successful at.
Photo by RODNAE Productions: Pexels
Start with what you can think of on your own and add new items to the list after talking with friends or family. What do others see as your strengths? Why are they even jealous?
In this way, it is possible to restore lost confidence and show that there are good reasons to respect and value yourself.
Surround yourself with the right people
Unfortunately, self-hatred is often encouraged by society because others make a person feel like they are not good enough, can't keep up, or simply aren't part of the "man pack." A new start can help here, when a person clearly distances himself from people around him who cause him harm.
Instead, you need to stay with real friends who support you and make you feel good. Getting negative people out of your life can often be difficult, but it can be very helpful in developing a new self-image.
Do something good for yourself
Self-hatred makes everyone believe that the negativity in life is their fault and that they do not deserve good things. However, this is just self-deception, and you need to learn to accept a caring attitude again. Instead of trying to hurt yourself and punish yourself, you need to reward yourself and do something good. Treat yourself to something that makes you happy or gives you pleasure.
Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
This also shows that evoking positive emotions is entirely up to the individual. This way, you don't have to constantly rely on fulfilling the expectations of others in order to be happy.
Accept yourself
Whether you can overcome self-hatred depends on your ability to accept yourself again. This means: you need to understand that you don’t need to hate yourself. Neither appearance, nor flaws, nor qualities are a reason not to love yourself. All this makes each person who he is and what he is.
As soon as you manage to accept yourself, hatred towards yourself and, as a result, towards the people around you will subside and go away. However, it is a mistake to expect it to be quick or easy. Self-hatred is a distorted perception learned over the years. Accordingly, it will take some time before new behaviors and a more positive way of thinking can be developed.
The problem is also with you
I don't even think about many of my haters. But some people manage to push the right buttons. Some randomly get into my soul. Or not by chance. Like, for example, a relative who knows exactly which buttons to press. If someone finds the right button, I get angry and defensive. But it's not because people said something terrible about me. But because under the thick armor of anger lies my fear that they might be right. I may not even admit it to myself. After all, they were the ones who raised the knife first, so I can blame them for everything. But in reality it turns out that I myself continue to thrust this “knife” into myself.
Let's take the same example again. I pulled it out from hundreds of other examples, not because it is particularly unpleasant. I just realized that then I could tell the story of how a girl in 7th grade made fun of my voice. Maybe I'm just really worried that I have a strange voice. It's important to note this for yourself.
When you constantly notice things to yourself, you at least separate those things from the endless stream of thoughts. You remember them and store them separately in your head. Therefore, it will be easier to recognize and deal with them in the future. Or maybe it will even help you learn more about yourself.
Why is codependency dangerous?
With a superficial look at the problem, codependency can be perceived as an undeniable benefit - after all, someone undertakes to zealously care about the fate of the alcohol addict, which in theory should lead to positive results. However, such an assessment is deeply erroneous.
The true motives of overprotection demonstrated by a codependent person are always selfish and aimed exclusively (!) at regulating his own psychological state. In other words, the codependent surrounds his addict with care not because he wants to help him, but because this is the only way he himself manages to find some kind of spiritual comfort.
This is the main danger of codependency: for all the care that codependents demonstrate towards their “wards”, they internally (and often unconsciously) reject the idea that an alcoholic addict can recover, since in this case their personal fragile mental balance will be completely destroyed.
Codependents are prone to “canning” the problem: while protecting the peace of their addict as much as possible, they can put off seeking help from a narcologist for years, citing the “inopportune” moment or the unpreparedness of the “protected person.” If the subject of codependency has nevertheless been cured, the codependents begin to implicitly persuade him to start drinking alcohol again: they create scandals for far-fetched reasons, constantly criticize the addict for no reason, or, finally, they themselves begin to drink in his presence.
If among the relatives of a patient trying to recover from alcoholism there is a codependent person with him, the likelihood of relapse of the disease increases significantly.
24 hour rule
If someone attacks you, you may experience negative emotions. If attacks happen in public, then other people may also experience unpleasant emotions. They might think, “Jane said that about James, so he must be an idiot.” Attacks can also be part of office politics or personal relationships.
The 24 hour rule works in almost any case. If you do not respond to the first attack, it will disappear within 24 hours. But if you answer at least once, reset the timer. It will take another 24 hours for the aggression to subside in the web of human communication. That's why some conflicts last for years. Participants react to each other's attacks, and all this continues until one of the opponents dies. And according to Onion magazine, the mortality rate in the world remains stable at 100%.
Rule 30/30/30
I had several posts where I used the same illustration found on the Internet: a woman doing yoga on the beach. I've been criticized for always using pictures of sexy women. I was also criticized for using these photographs without attribution.
Then the woman in the photographs wrote to me. I told her that I had received such comments. She told me her beautiful story, which was included in my latest book. But she also said this: for everything you create, a third will love you, a third will hate you, and a third will be indifferent. This means doing what you love and putting your best effort into it. You must improve every day. And when you receive critical feedback, simply put it in the one-third negative basket.
Who do people hate?
A person never experiences strong feelings just like that. After all, in order to hate someone, you need a good reason. Most often, loved ones hurt the soul. It is they who are chosen as objects of hatred. Men and women can hate their ex-lovers. And it would seem strange that yesterday’s object of adoration today causes disgust. But this happens all the time. People come together on the basis of closeness of spirit, but diverge due to misunderstandings or because they cannot fulfill their obligations.
Close relatives often become targets of hatred. Children may have conflicting feelings towards their parents. Why is this happening? Because the parents did not give the child enough love, tenderness and affection. Or maybe the child wanted to get an education in economics, but they decided for him that it was better to go to study to become a doctor. Brothers may hate their sisters because they received too much love. Simple jealousy sometimes destroys families forever.
Colleagues are also often not known for their restraint of feelings. They hate a successful young man who was able to climb the career ladder higher in a year than they could in ten years.
How to stop hating people? It is worth accepting that everyone has their own ambitions, characters and views on life. There is no need to try to change those around you. It's easier to reconsider your own views. In each specific case, you need to ask yourself a simple question: why? Why do you hate this person? And if you look deeper into your soul, you will definitely find the answer.
Delete
I am always happy when people disagree with me. I have nothing against.
But often people are unable to express their disagreement, and it manifests itself in an unpleasant and angry form.
If I can, I delete these people. You can write “delete” in quotation marks. Sometimes it's not a critic from a blog, but someone from real life. I also delete such people. I don't talk to those who harm me.
What if it's your boss or someone you're forced to talk to? Then I am indifferent to them. I let them do what they want. I nod in greeting in the hallways. I don't kowtow or ingratiate myself to try to get them to love me. If over time these people behave well, I will start communicating with them again.
What if someone yells at you on the phone? Just say, “I need to go.” I have fallen for this, especially when I was younger, and wanted to shout back. “Why are you doing this to me?!” Such situations were very painful. But they taught me to behave differently in the future.
Hate is contagious
Someone once tweeted, “James Altucher = #humangarbage.” I don't know why this tweet appeared. I don't know who this person is. But for a moment I got angry. I didn't follow the previous advice.
I found this man on the Internet. He works for AOL. I tried to figure out how to fire him. He made 1 tweet and started 1000 thoughts in my head.
The worst thing you can do to your body is to stick a knife into it. Anger is an emotional stab to the emotional body. Some religions say that you should show compassion to your enemies. I don't know. It's really difficult.
The best I can do is admit that I don't know this person, and that any additional thought is another way to stab myself. If I do this, the infection spreads inside me, consuming me. I don't like cutting myself with a knife.
How to change your attitude towards your body
Face the problem head on
Body hatred usually looms constantly in the background, because there are so many mirror surfaces, advertising posters and other triggers around that make you remember your own imperfections. As a result, a person becomes so accustomed to such thoughts that he does not even realize how much time and effort he spends on self-flagellation.
To learn to live in your body, first of all you need to see what exactly prevents you from doing this. Each person will have their own unique reasons. It is important to find them and study them in detail.
Kristina Kostikova
A bad attitude towards yourself is not a death sentence. Learn to analyze your emotions and feelings, find their true reasons and ways for environmentally friendly expression, and not suppress them. It is important to think about why this hatred is what you are really unhappy with. You may feel like you hate your body, when in truth you need attention, love, warmth and acceptance.
Keep in mind: if we are talking about dysmorphophobia, it must be diagnosed and treated by a specialist. The main way to cope with the problem is antidepressants, which are prescribed by a psychotherapist.
Treat your body with gratitude
It is the body that connects a person with the world around him. If he doesn't exist, you won't either. Psychologist Natalya Kuznetsova advises remembering this and writing down at least 10 points for which you are grateful to your physical body. These can be simple things, such as the ability to eat, sleep, walk, swim, enjoy sunbathing.
Try not to reject the body, but treat it as your own home, for which you can do something good and not destructive. Remember that you are the master of your body and only you can decide how to take care of it, how to change and improve it. Criticism narrows our horizons, but gratitude, on the contrary, allows us to look at the world around us more broadly.
Natalya Kuznetsova
family psychologist
Make contact with your body
You perceive the body as your enemy, but it is your friend and ally. But now you have lost contact with him. Try listening to yourself several times a day to understand how you feel, what you sense, what your body needs, and what you think. In the first stages, you can do this literally on an alarm clock. This simple exercise will help you form the habit of hearing yourself and establishing a connection with your body.
Start a romance with yourself
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
Treat yourself the way you would treat your lover. Give yourself compliments, praise yourself, refuse comparisons with others. Take active care of your body: take care of your health, adjust your diet, get enough sleep, relax. Stop communicating with toxic people who criticize and devalue. No matter how close they are, communication with them only harms.
Eventually, the habit of treating yourself well will form. However, this will require active practice for at least three months.
This requires moral effort, which sometimes is nowhere to be found. Therefore, environmental support is very important here. There must be people nearby who are capable of empathy and who will encourage you during the transformation. If there are no such people, a psychologist will help.
Natalya Koroteeva
psychologist
Think about how to improve your life
People who hate their bodies often feel that if their appearance were different, their existence would be different. If you had bigger biceps and a narrower waist, you wouldn’t have to work at a boring job and everything would work out better in your personal life. But this is an illusion. To change your life, you need to change it.
Resistance is futile
Let's say someone has a reason to hate you, but it's easy to disprove. For example, someone hates you because you're from Rhode Island, but you're actually from Canada. You might say, "But I'm from Canada." And in response you will receive: “So much the worse.”
Nobody ever changes their mind. It's difficult to change your mind. Quitting smoking is very difficult, for many it is almost impossible. Hatred is even more addictive, just imagine how difficult it is to change your mind in this case. Facts don't mean anything. Self-defense only makes things worse (see the 24-hour rule).
Even the history of friendship means nothing. You can say: We've been friends for 20 years. Are you really going to let this come between us?” The answer is yes. Because people can't help themselves. Because there is some kind of fear in them. Because there is some kind of fear in you. And they will never get back together.
How to get rid of a person's hatred?
Hello. The man has been hating me for 10 years now. Once in childhood, when he was 16 and I was 14, after our conflict with him, he was shamed by his own friend in front of a crowd of their friends and acquaintances. He never told me directly that he hated me for this all these years. But he says things that make your hair stand on end. For example, after school, a turning point in my life happened to me and I was afraid of everything all the time after it. There were fears, etc. I was left alone. And he couldn’t stand up for himself at certain points.
On that ill-fated day, he cried in front of everyone and his friend, taking him to the side where no one could see, hit him. And all these years he periodically hurts me, with words and actions. He says that I am the only person in his life whom he hates so much. That I don’t deserve an ounce of respect and all this is under the guise of virtue. He doesn't admit the truth. But he raised his hand to me twice already. Once every 6 months, he hurt me, consistently. And all this for so many years. He says that all the problems in his life are because of me. And I loved him very much. And I felt guilty for that incident in front of him, inside, I felt sorry for him. Because of his attitude towards me, I felt this guilt. He always comes back to hurt me, but under the guise of virtue, every time after, saying that he didn’t want this, that I myself lead everything to this, i.e. he finds a reason to hurt me every time. He denies that the whole point is in that case and at the same time says that if I could look into his soul and see what is really in it in relation to me, I would never return to him.
How many times have I asked him to remain just friends, good acquaintances, to just communicate from time to time, but he never gave me such an opportunity. He always says that I don't deserve it. He says that he can’t look me in the eyes, that he can’t conduct a dialogue, that he feels somehow different next to me, that he doesn’t feel great, supposedly.
And it constantly makes you feel pain. Either with words or actions. He threatened to smash me, but when he hit me a second time, it happened yesterday, I said, move away, out of harm’s way. He was going to beat me half to death, but, apparently, he was afraid that it would all end badly. For him.
He says that he always tries to extinguish all the negativity in himself, but he cannot. And he always hurts on purpose. 4 times he gave a man’s word that he would never return to me again, he said that he would not consider himself a man if he returned. And he returned all these 4 times. Afterwards he said that it’s better to never renounce. And I swore off again recently. He gave his word again. He's a drug addict. He's been smoking weed all these years. I know that he’s trying to quit, but he can’t. For some reason he always compares me to grass. When he tries to leave her, he wants to leave me too, but he can’t. He fights with himself. But the hatred towards me is overflowing.
Why is he comparing me to drugs? And can I save him from hating me, change his attitude? Thank you
How to get rid of hatred towards a person? (2 answers)
Time cures
Hate cannot last forever. Often it turns into a slow simmer. The sun, which was so bright during the day, turns into a purple haze and dark orange at sunset. This doesn't mean you and your haters are friends now. It simply means that the open wound will finally heal, leaving a small scar and a memory, but nothing more. It doesn't matter if a betrayer, an ex-spouse, an ex-lover, or a blog commenter hates you. It is important to learn how to reduce time.
Some people experience hatred, anger, bitterness and regret for years. Sometimes a lifetime is not enough to heal wounds. It's a waste of life. Of course, she also has a right to exist. No one is forcing you to live a meaningful life; you can safely waste it. And since more people will hate you every time you stick your head out of the sand (which I hope you do), you will have many opportunities to ruin your life. Enjoy them.
Sometimes (but not always), people hating you means you're stepping out of your comfort zone. You create and grow. But I hope that your wounds are healing faster and faster. In fact, I wrote this post for myself. I hope that my wounds are also healing faster every day.
In response to hate, I try to use these techniques and learn more about myself. If I can’t learn anything new, I try not to hurt myself. If I succeed, I try to be grateful and move on to the next stage where I find love, creativity and satisfaction.
