They took away the toy - the child is hysterical, trying to attract attention with all his might. Something didn’t work out for the kid - and objects fly in different directions, a squeal can be heard on the next street. He accepts criticism and punishment with a frown, with the air of an unfairly accused victim. Or screams. But he's definitely not going to listen. He has no time for you - he is trying, as best he can, to cope with the emotions that have befallen him.
It is difficult to blame a child who has just embarked on the path of life for lack of self-control. Even adults are not always able to adequately respond to what hurts. But this is not a reason to let everything go on the brakes. We need to learn together to work on emotions, use and express them correctly (all this is emotional intelligence). Together, because most often all family members lack skills. If a child has a problem, as experts say, the parents also have it: the little person intuitively adopts your behavior strategy.
You will have to start with short, non-obvious steps. We asked an expert to tell us how best to do this.
Don't brush off your emotions
Evelina Levy
emotional intelligence coach
Anger, resentment, irritation, envy and sadness are our companions, just like joy, pleasure, delight, interest or compassion. But you are mistaken when you try to divide emotions into positive and negative. Each can be beneficial or harmful. Everything depends only on the ability to understand their role and significance. For example, anger may indicate a violation of boundaries. Teaches you how to build relationships, shows that it is important where to draw the line. And envy can become an impetus for self-development and show that we are not using our full potential. Any emotion is important. Recognizing this brings you closer to a deeper understanding of yourself, desires and values. It's never too late to do this.
Learn to recognize emotions and name them
To manage emotions, you need to learn to recognize them. After all, there are more than 70 of them, and each manifests itself in its own way: by sensations, duration, the amount of energy that is released when you do not restrain yourself.
Get into the habit of filling out an emotional diary every day. You can buy it in paper version or download a free template online.
An adult version is a notebook in which you record your emotional states, the reason for their occurrence (what happened before the mood change), and an understanding of where in the body you felt it.
The children's version is simpler: the child daily chooses one of the faces (emoticons) that is closest to him. Additionally, you can talk about interesting events of the day - those that caused vivid emotions.
Gradually master more and more new shades, creating an emotional paradigm. The ABC of emotions will help with this. There are simple formats in the form of tables. And more complex ones, where a classification is given taking into account proximity (kinship) and strength of expression. For example, indignation and anger are similar in nature, but the indignation is more powerful, brighter, more intense. Whereas contempt and disgust are completely different emotions.
Ladder of Anger
Campbell's ladder of anger is a diagrammatic representation of ways of expressing anger from immature to mature. If you set yourself the goal of teaching your child a mature expression of anger, keep in mind that he will not be able to skip a step or jump over any stage. You will move step by step from the bottom up and each step will require some time to consolidate your success.
So, the steps of the ladder of anger:
Positive Ways to Express Anger - Top Rung
1. Politeness; desire to find a solution; anger is directed towards the object that caused it. The main complaint is stated, without deviations to the side; logical thinking.
2. Politeness; anger is directed towards the object that caused it; The main complaint is stated, without deviations to the side; logical thinking.
A combination of positive and negative ways of expressing anger
3. Rage is directed at the object that caused it; the main claim is made. No deviations to the side; logical thinking; anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner.
4. The main claim is expressed, without deviations to the side; logical thinking; anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed towards other objects.
5. Anger is directed towards the object that caused it; the main complaint is expressed, without deviating to the side; logical thinking; anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; verbal abuse.
6. Logical thinking; anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; complaints are expressed that are not relevant to the case.
Mostly negative ways of expressing anger
7. Anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; complaints that are not relevant to the case are expressed; emotionally destructive behavior.
8. Anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; complaints that are not relevant to the case are expressed; verbal abuse; emotionally destructive behavior.
9. Anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; curses and curses; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; complaints that are not relevant to the case are expressed; verbal abuse; emotionally destructive behavior.
10. Anger is directed towards the object that caused it; anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; curses and curses; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; throwing objects; emotionally destructive behavior.
11. Anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; curses and curses; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; throwing objects; emotionally destructive behavior.
Negative ways of expressing anger
12. Anger is directed towards the object that caused it; anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; curses and curses; destruction of objects; verbal abuse; emotionally destructive behavior.
13. Anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; curses and curses; anger will be mixed with the object that caused it and directed to other objects; destruction of objects; verbal abuse; emotionally destructive behavior.
14. Anger is expressed in a loud and impolite manner; curses and curses; anger is displaced from the object that caused it and directed to other objects; destruction of objects; verbal abuse; physical abuse; emotionally destructive behavior.
15. Passive-aggressive behavior.
At the bottom, fifteenth step, there is passive aggression, which is the most destructive way to express your anger. Since this is a typical phenomenon for teenagers, the task of parents is to prevent it from taking root.
To understand what rung of the anger ladder your child is on, let him express his anger, do not suppress it. As long as anger is inside the child, it drives the situation. When the child lets it out, he will feel stupid and the parent may take matters into his own hands. In addition, the less anger remains in your child, the less it will later manifest itself through destructive behavior and bad tendencies.
The main thing to remember is that by allowing a child to release anger, we do not provoke the development of permissiveness and do not engage in connivance. We make a choice between a healthy outlet for anger - words, and an unhealthy one - through behavior. You will not be able to teach your child to express his anger in a polite way if you forbid him to express it in principle.
If your child expresses his anger in words that are not polite, do not take this as an insult or challenge. Until he knows how to do otherwise, and your task is to teach him this. Parents' restraint plays a decisive role, as do our techniques for expressing love - eye and physical contact.
It happens that a child does nothing but become angry, expressing it violently and boorishly. If there are no real reasons for this, then this is a common manipulation by parents, which must be politely but firmly stopped.
Increase your awareness
This is not about Zen Buddhism, but about the ability to see the connection between cause and effect. Emotions do not arise out of nowhere - they are always a reaction to what is happening. And knowing that you like or dislike something is not enough.
When a child is angry, draw his attention to this: “I see that you are angry,” do the same with any emotional outburst
In order not to be deceived, you can clarify: “Did I understand you correctly?” Together you can come up with a story in which the character - let it be Vasya - experiences the same feelings and experiences. Discuss what happened to him, why he reacts this way, and what he thinks will happen next.
Or play the game “I am happy when...”. You suggest continuing the sentence by describing a situation when your child experiences joy. And then - anger (“I get angry when...”), surprise (“I’m surprised if...”), resentment (“I get offended when...”) and other states.
Over time, the questions “How do I feel?” and “Why (in response to what) do I feel this way?” will lead to a deeper understanding of motives.
Anger is a strong emotion that everyone is familiar with. Its manifestation in a preschooler sometimes frightens parents so much that they simply forbid him to be angry, punish him, ignore him. But it is also important to learn how to deal with this all-consuming feeling, like with all other emotions. How to deal with anger? We are publishing an excerpt from a very useful book by psychologist Victoria Shimanskaya, “Emotional Intelligence for Children and Parents.”
The downside of childhood anger is often the feeling of “I’m not strong enough.” There are such big and influential adults around, they constantly control you, you would also like to decide something and act on your own, but they are stronger than you. Or maybe you just didn’t sleep well today, ate little, you want to go to the toilet, you caught a slight cold - and that’s why you’re weak, and you look for strength in yourself, and find it in anger.
Two-thirds of those manifestations that we call children's whims are the first tests of anger, a test run of a self-defense program.
What emotions are associated with anger? Here we will see a lot of unexpected things. Complaint, resentment, acute sadness, disgust, and fear are similar to anger. If you don't show awareness in the moment of difficult experiences, most likely, your feelings will lead you to manifestations similar to anger. Everyone around will decide that you are angry, and then it will be very difficult for you to turn back time, listen to your feelings, find the right words and explain to your loved ones that it was not anger that was expressed this way, but your sadness, excitement or a plea for help.
What not to do with anger? Appoint him as commander of your emotional “troops.” Anger is strong and flamboyant, it often arises where it is not expected at all - but this is not a reason to equate it with your character. A person who gets angry often is not a villain, a monster, or a ferocious monster. He just needs to improve his relationship with his own feelings. You shouldn’t shame a person for showing anger, especially when the volcano of passions is still erupting. At best, no one will hear you, at worst, they will hear you, they will answer you, and this can be a withering answer.
What can you do with anger? First of all, don’t faint when you encounter him. It’s scary, of course, when your four-year-old chick growls like a watchdog. But an adult is always strong enough to help. It's good to wait. To protect yourself and the one who, angry, turned into Vesuvius: remove sharp objects, heavy toys, breakable dishes and pets. If a child is overtaken by rage somewhere near a cliff, in the water or on a swing, try to “ground” him (put him on his feet, remove potentially dangerous external factors). Then you need to think through a strategy for working with anger and begin to implement it when the emotions subside.
Exercises for dealing with anger
For a child
Taming the Beast
Let's imagine that every person has an inner beast - anger. It can be anything: a small fiery salamander or a giant dragon, or it can be a lion, a tiger or a rabid buffalo... This formidable animal can be very dangerous if it is not equipped with an enclosure. Find a home for your anger. Let it be cozy, pleasant, let your inner beast want to enter there: food, comfortable bedding, a warm hole, plenty of toys... And let there be a strong and reliable lock outside. The key can be drawn on paper, glued from cardboard, or pulled out of an old cabinet door and hung on a string. Let the baby know that the key to the cage is his property, at any moment the inner beast can be lured with a bone or candy - and politely and calmly lock the door. Until we need to release it again.
Sword of Wrath
Usually this game is very exciting for boys, but girls can also find it interesting. Imagine that you have the hilt of a sword in your hands, but the blade seems to be invisible. As soon as you get angry with someone, a fiery blade begins to grow from the handle. It strikes and burns everything in its path, it can even grow to the sky. Fortunately, the fiery sword obeys your thoughts: you can always look closely at it and mentally order it to shrink so as not to accidentally hit civilians, innocent children and women, your mother, who rushes to your aid... Just watch and say, “Shrink, shrink.” First, up to the size of a ski pole, then a kitchen knife, and then you can leave only a small burning dagger - just in case, to warn off enemies.
Your sword, or rather, your anger, is your responsibility; it can be made either huge or very small (depending on which one is needed now). If the enemy is just a neighbor's boy, you shouldn't use a giant weapon: just a little blaze of fire is enough to intimidate, but not cause harm.
Labyrinth
A person who has been in a state of rage for a long time may at some point find himself completely confused: why am I actually so angry? Where did it all start? How did I end up at this point where I’m screaming at my dad and mom, stomping my feet and crying angry tears? At this moment, it is useful to imagine that when entering the labyrinth you tied the end of a thread to a post and carried the ball with you all the way. Now it's time to rewind this thread and go all the way in the opposite direction. Let's say you were screaming and lying on the ground, beating the asphalt with your fists. Do you remember why? Because my mother punished me and said that I wouldn’t get cartoons. And why did you punish me? Because I poured a bucket of sand on the boy’s head. Why did you get enough sleep? And he said I was stinky. What happened before that? I was upset that he wouldn't play by my rules and said he was a fool. A thread leads us to completely unexpected discoveries: the cause of a “volcanic eruption” can be a struggle for power, resentment towards mother, a pebble in a shoe, bad sleep, cruelty of other children, a passionate desire to be heard... When you walk through your labyrinth, you see all the victims and damage caused damage, you evaluate the destructive power of your anger - it becomes easier to realize that everything could have been done differently.
It's a labyrinth of anger. Everything starts small. Remember a situation when anger took over you. Walk through the maze from beginning to end, stopping at islands and telling what happened at each stage.
Trap for anger
Remember how in childhood we made “fortune tellers” from a sheet of paper? We need to make the same one (detailed diagram in the figure below), but on the “wings” of the fortune teller we write not predictions, but ways to pacify our anger.
- Count to yourself from twenty to one.
- Drink a glass of water.
- Do ten squats.
- Take three deep breaths with slow exhalations.
- From the first challenges to the first successes
- Sit cross-legged on the floor.
- Urgently wash your face or wash your hands with soap, etc.
When a child begins to feel overwhelmed with anger, you can invite him to name any number and use a “fortune teller” to choose a way to express his anger without hurting anyone close to him. The most important thing in this exercise is to understand that your anger has at least eight effective outlets. Choose any one to calm down and not mess up.
Fold this trap like you fold paper fortune tellers. When you feel angry, take it and do what comes up.
For myself
Looking for a pose
Parents of children three to five years old are at risk for anger. Children will try their best to make us angry - and one time out of five they will definitely succeed. What can you do to pull yourself together? We advise you to go through the body. Tested: anger is guaranteed to fade away if you take a pose that is not typical for you in a state of anger. Sit on the floor.
Lie down on the sofa with your back comfortably straight and your legs relaxed. From a standing position, bend over, relax your spine and dangle your arms. And try to continue to swear, get angry, reproach, reprimand in such a comfortable or funny position. If you can’t change your position, try swearing in a whisper, or slowly (as if you are lazy), or in a low voice, as if a person is sleeping somewhere nearby and you are afraid to wake him up.
Bonfire or mill
Anger is inherently quite chaotic; A very useful practice is to mentally bring it into a state of order.
For example, if in the heat of rage you become like a fire, imagine that your flame suddenly begins to burn in the fireplace, behind the grate - there it can no longer burn everything it wants. If your anger is like a hurricane, imagine that it is a strong wind methodically spinning a windmill.
Find a boundary, a rhythm, an order in what you feel right now - and after that it will be much easier for you to restore your breathing, work through the emotion, and accept it.
From the outside
Remember how in some cartoons how his spirit suddenly flies out of the hero and begins to carefully examine the situation from the outside? And then, after walking around and watching enough, the spirit returns and allows the hero to correct a seemingly hopeless situation. Try to imagine that you have the same cartoon superpower. When you are seething with anger, remember that you can jump out of the situation and look at it from the outside. Take a comfortable position and imagine in every detail how you look at this moment, what is happening to your body, your breathing, your gaze? How does your child see you? The most important thing is how can you help yourself? Mentally pat yourself on the head, give yourself a hug, say a few encouraging words to yourself, calm yourself down - and only after that return to the moment. The intensity will subside.
Victoria Shimanskaya “Emotional intelligence for children and parents. We learn to understand and show emotions, to manage them"
"Peter"
How and why to develop a child’s emotional intelligence? How, together with him, can we learn to better understand ourselves, experience the most joyful emotions, and cope with difficult feelings? Why does the ability to manage our own emotions make us happier?
