Greetings, friends! Some thoughts and experiences cause us to needlessly burn emotional energy without moving closer to solving the problem. One of these experiences is self-pity, which can be provoked by failures, unfulfilled hopes and other troubles in life. Today we will figure out how to stop feeling sorry for yourself in order to quickly start solving problems without wasting time and energy on meaningless worries. First, let's figure out why self-pity arises in the first place, and what it can lead to. Go!
Why are we complaining?
- to receive attention and support;
- to help;
- to express your disappointment.
What provokes pity
- Betrayal from the closest people.
- Excessive dependence on other people's opinions.
- Stress caused by the loss of loved ones.
- Special memory. A person remembers events down to the smallest need, experiences them again and again. This pain prevents you from starting new relationships.
- Grievances. It would seem that people should return good for good. But often this does not happen. Resentment settles in the human soul. And again I feel very sorry for myself.
- Uncertainty, timidity. If you are not an independent person by nature, then any decision is difficult for you. I really want someone to give you advice. It’s even better if someone makes the decision for you.
- Inability to show your emotions. If you suppress your emotions for a long time, the feeling of self-pity intensifies.
- You are not living at your own pace. Let's say you are a slow person, you do everything for a long time, but conscientiously. But the modern world says: “he who did not have time is late.” You are trying to change, but it is not at all that easy to do. After some time, you become exhausted and feel sorry for yourself again.
Why do people feel sorry for themselves?
Every person periodically encounters troubles provoked by external factors. At the same time, he involuntarily thinks, “I did everything right, but fate treated me so unfairly!” Experiencing yet another failure, he feels helpless and unprotected, attributing his own mistakes to the injustice of the outside world.
It is human nature to think about what happened, trying to understand the reasons for the failure. Such reflections can be constructive if they do not drag on and allow you to draw the right conclusions. But sometimes the state of self-pity lasts for many months. A person cannot stop feeling sorry for himself; he literally develops an addiction to negative experiences.
In particularly severe cases, the situation can be even worse. A person who feels sorry for himself begins to believe that he deserves pity from others. He literally demands compassion, colorfully describing how unhappy he is, blaming others for his own failures and trying to manipulate them through pity.
How is a victim of self-pity characterized?
- they constantly whine and complain about their lives;
- believe that they do not deserve a better life;
- there must be a “vest” nearby;
- any troubles are embellished and “inflated”;
- Only their problems are important, because they are the victim;
- the victim person feels satisfied after the phrase “poor thing.”
The dangers of constant self-pity
- chasing the feeling that you can’t breathe;
- sleep disturbance;
- pressure surges;
- increased sweating;
- the occurrence of panic attacks;
- rapid heartbeat;
- dizziness, nausea;
- fainting.
How to recognize self-pity
Almost none of the so-called victims admit that through pity they are not only trying to arrange their lives, but also manipulating others for their own convenience. But satisfaction from life does not increase, and problems still do not want to be solved by themselves. Why not motivation for your own self-development? But first you need to determine who lives inside, a child who just wants to return to childhood or a monster who feeds on the weakness of the soul.
Typically, a victim of self-pity meets the following characteristics:
- eternal whining and complaints about life, as well as the injustice of the world;
- the belief that “I don’t deserve this”, “why me”, “everything is so bad and I shouldn’t expect anything better”;
- there should always be people nearby who act as a lightning rod and vest;
- all cases of life are discussed in detail, the slightest misunderstandings or failures are embellished and exaggerated;
- Only my problems are important, we listen only to me, because I am a victim;
- a huge relief only after the phrase: “Poor thing, how hard it is for you, I will help you.”
This is a classic monster, born in early childhood and nurtured into adulthood. This type of victim, caused by pity, will not be able to leave on his own without outside help, because the person uses his own pity as a lever of influence on others and gets everything he needs. And his problems are solved, and the pleasure of his sacrifice is present.
But it is still possible to get rid of self-pity in smaller forms on your own. So, if a person experiences:
- emptiness within oneself;
- the desire to hide behind a strong male shoulder, which for some reason is not nearby;
- prostration;
- unwillingness to do anything;
- tearfulness.
The problem can be solved, especially by realizing how self-pity is harmful and destructive.
What types of “whiners” are there?
- We all remember Eeyore from the well-known cartoon about Winnie the Pooh. There are people who live like this donkey. They suffer all the time, even if they have no reason to. They just want to get hurt. Looking at them, it seems that the world has collapsed.
- Rebels. They are loudly indignant for show and then quietly feel sorry for themselves.
- An active pessimist. It seems that such a person has a full house and no reason to worry, but they claim that their life is bad. Remember the mechanics of Zelenok or the cartoon “The Secret of the Third Planet”. Here he is just a representative of an active pessimist.
- A public whiner. This person is easy to recognize, but very difficult to be around. He cries all the time. He needs an audience for this.
- “Vest for crying.” This term is suitable for those who attract their own kind. After all, crying together is much more fun. Such people do not communicate with strong and comprehensively developed personalities, because everything is fine with them and there is absolutely nothing to talk about with them.
- Self-confident sufferer. Yes, yes, there are such people too. For example, there lives such a self-confident handsome man and suddenly his girlfriend leaves him. He wonders how such a handsome man was abandoned. But he won’t be upset for long. After all, such a “miracle guy” will find another passion.
- Quiet domestic despot. No, this is not the one who tears and rushes, and raises his hand against his household. This whiner simply does everything in such a way that the blame for everything that happens in the family falls on the relatives, but not on him.
- Little Napoleon. For such people there are only two opinions: their own and the wrong one. It is not always possible to immediately spot the whiner among them. But if their idea does not lead to the desired result, they begin to feel sorry for themselves.
Are you experiencing some of the signs of the above whiners? Don't be alarmed. We all sometimes want to be loved and pitied. The main thing is not to get carried away by feeling sorry for yourself.
Let the battle begin!
It's time to move from long thoughts to action. The battle will be long, but if you want victory, take action!
And the first thing you better do immediately is admit that you feel sorry for yourself. Don’t just mumble with a sad expression on your face, but clearly and distinctly say out loud in front of the mirror: “You feel sorry for yourself!” You can say this phrase with anger, point your finger at the reflection and scold it.
Are you wondering why you need to say this to the mirror, and even quarrel with it?
For the fact that it is vital for you to throw out all the accumulated negativity. A short period of anger will help you break the connection with pity. Try it, the reflection won't hit you for it.
Now let's move on to the second point - unfinished business. Do you think that a sofa, a warm blanket and cocoa can overcome self-pity? No and no again. Now you need to take action while finding the positive in everything.
Here’s how you shouldn’t think: “I’m unhappy and lonely, and my car is broken.” Very sad and depressing.
As it should: “What kind of loneliness can we talk about? My car is broken. I’ll go fix it.”
Rephrase every pitiful thought. It will be hard, but don't give up.
The last thing on the way to the cherished goal - getting rid of pity - is increasing energy. Walking, exercising or cycling is exactly what you need.
You will need to overcome yourself, but then you will begin to feel how negative thoughts disappear and there is more energy.
How to get rid of self-pity
- First of all, you need to understand that no one owes you anything. The world shouldn't be fair to you. People don't have to love you and help you. And the sooner you understand this truth, the sooner you will stop suffering from injustice. In general, stick to the principle: help yourself.
- Learn to ask for help. Some kind of inconsistency? If no one owes anyone anything, then what kind of help can we talk about? That's the point: you need to ask for help. You need to learn to talk about help with other people. After all, often the people around you don’t even suspect that it’s difficult for you. And often they are generally sure that everything is fine with you. That is, in order not to feel lonely, first make sure that your loved ones are aware of your experiences.
- Understand that all responsibility for your life is in your hands. It is very, very important to realize that you are an adult and no one is to blame for your failures. Learn to make decisions without anyone's help and finish what you start.
- Don't make excuses for yourself. If, for example, you were not hired by some cool company, accept the fact that you simply weren’t right for them. Maybe there was not enough experience, or there were some other reasons. Don’t think that people take you there only through “connection”
- Talk to the imaginary offender, and do not harbor grudges against him. Quite often, instead of sitting down and talking calmly, people leave grievances inside themselves and do not allow them to come out.
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself
Sometimes it is useful to feel sorry for yourself: it helps to restore strength and gives you the opportunity to think about what you would like your life to be like. However, if you notice that you spend too much time and energy on self-pity, use the following tips:
- - during an “attack”, think about actions that can solve the situation without delving into emotions;
- - write yourself a letter expressing all possible sympathy. Imagine that many years have passed and you have already dealt with a difficult situation that provokes self-pity. Write a letter from the perspective of this person, that is, yourself in the future;
- - bring the situation to the point of absurdity. Try to feel as unhappy as possible, curl up into a ball, start whining and wringing your hands, like Pierrot from the fairy tale “The Golden Key.” Of course, you should only do this if no one can see you. Bringing emotions to the point of absurdity and expressing them on a bodily level will help you cope with your feelings;
- - if pity is caused by a specific event, try to work with a psychologist. It will help you understand yourself and cope with psychological trauma.
Finally, don't sit idle. Self-pity often occurs in people who do not know what to do with themselves. Find a hobby, take on a part-time job, communicate more with friends: you simply won’t have time to feel unhappy.
So you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, you just have to figure out where self-pity came from and whether it can contribute to growth and development, or is it purely useless negativity that pulls you into an emotional swamp...
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Self-pity as a manifestation of selfishness and how to stop being selfish
Pity or manifestation of selfishness, how to distinguish?
Egoism is a life principle and human quality when one’s own interests are placed above others. He connects everything that happens to himself and seeks personal gain. Such a person thinks very primitively and becomes self-centered. It seems to a person that he is the “Navel of the Earth”. But you need to look good in the eyes of others. Therefore, various “masks” are used. One of these masks is self-pity.
How to get rid of selfishness?
- You need to accept the fact that you are an egoist.
- Try to be interested in other people's lives.
- Learn to put other people's interests above your own.
- Show responsiveness and generosity to others.
