What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a natural reaction that follows someone's attack on your property. You and your loved one belong to yourself and each other, so jealousy flashes in any classic relationship. But what about jealousy towards your ex?
He does not belong to you, just as you do not belong to him. Everything is in the past, you both have found freedom. Or maybe only he has found freedom, because you still can’t calmly watch him develop a new relationship. This time jealousy decided to play against the rules.
No, in fact, jealousy continues to remain neutral. It's all about you and your attitude towards your ex-love. You still feel possessive about your ex and won't let him go. Even if you think that the past is over, your subconscious mind will drag you back to the past.
What are the reasons for this and how to deal with it?
How to stop being jealous of your husband about the past
I won't give you advice for every situation, because each of them is unique, but a few useful recommendations may still be useful in your fight against jealousy.
- Just understand that the past cannot be erased. Everyone has it. And you too. And dad is obliged to pay money. And the children will forever remain his children, they carry a piece of him within them. They only betray their children... You didn’t choose this for yourself, did you?
- Imagine that you too may find yourself a divorced woman with a child. As they like to say now, RSP. And your baby will already beg for a piece of time from his own father!
- Most often, many problems are invented by us. Affectionate behavior toward a child has nothing to do with one's attitude toward one's ex-wife. If the husband does not show excessive interest in his wife, then there is nothing to worry about.
- Value yourself more. This is transmitted to men. Be a little inaccessible - let him be jealous. Don't focus on his ex-wife or relationship with his children. Relax and focus only on your feelings, sex, interests.
- Don't compare yourself and your ex-wife. Dig less into the features of her appearance and character. You are you. And he chose you for a reason. You may be similar, but that doesn’t mean he was looking for her image in you. Many men tend to choose one type. You will laugh, but the new wife of my ex-husband looks like me, and I am the same type as the ex-wife of my current husband. It's funny, isn't it? But personally, this doesn’t bother me one bit.
- Talk to your husband frankly. Tell us what aspects do not suit you, what seems offensive to you. Look for a compromise.
- If it is difficult for you to communicate with the child from your husband’s first marriage, do not force yourself. Get used to it gradually. When your loved one is not spending time with you, try to find something to do. Finally, you have time for yourself! You can put it on the stove and wash the dishes!
- I already wrote that there is no point in making a scandal. Men respect logic. Call upon her. There is no need for florid phrases and an offended face - for them this is an impossible puzzle. Only cause and effect can reach their consciousness.
- Don't forbid seeing your child. Don't give ultimatums. A normal father would not do this. And he will be supported by friends, relatives, acquaintances. You will be left alone. But you can edit meetings with your ex by appearing with him. By the way, the new wife of her ex-husband does just that. You rarely see him somewhere alone. I don’t encourage you to follow a man, but sometimes it’s worth proving yourself.
- Just be a friend to the child. There is no need to educate or teach. Make friends and communicate. Try to answer the questions asked as sincerely as possible. Children appreciate it.
- Sometimes it’s worth treating your husband’s child in the “it’s a foal” style. Forgive him for his childish antics, because even our relatives take turns in such a way that you are amazed!
- If your child openly hates you, try to convey this to your husband, draw his attention to the moments where this manifests itself. Be smarter and present it as your experience, not irritation. Ask him to resolve the conflict, tell him that for now you will not communicate much with the child, so as not to anger him and not to aggravate the relationship.
- Understand once and for all that a mother will always be the best and most loved for a child, even if she regularly gives you a slap on the head. Don't try to outplay her. Only a complete marginal drunk will yield to you. In other cases, you will be on the sidelines. But I wrote that you can be a friend, or at least a comrade, who follows a policy of non-interference.
Girls, if it’s difficult for you to perform such actions, then just don’t get involved with divorced men with children, especially when you have complete freedom from your own. Whatever one may say, it is easier for free people to build relationships with free gentlemen. The fewer initial conditions, the easier the problem is solved. When a man tells you that children from a previous relationship are the basis of his life, and there may be many women, run. You will lose. If you already have a child together, either get a divorce or give in. Although I do not recommend giving birth to a child right away, even in the case when the age is “for someone”. You risk joining the ranks of divorcees. Men are complex creatures, not as malleable as we would like. And he cannot understand your emotions at the level at which you experience them yourself. Having divorced once, he will divorce even more easily a second time. Think with your head, your heart and emotions are not always the best advisers!
If some terms are not familiar to you, use a dictionary of scientific terms and learn more useful information!
Reason #1
You haven't ended your relationship. More precisely, you did it completely wrong. Do you know couples who break up several times a month and then get back together? When they part, they don’t think that this is the end, they understand that they will get back together this time and next time. They maintain an emotional connection and plans for a future together.
The same thing happened to you, only your partner took the breakup absolutely seriously and left forever. You are left with foolish hopes. that everything will return and become the same as it was. This is a clear sign of an emotionally unfinished relationship and is most often the cause of jealousy towards an ex-man.
After all, you have, consciously or unconsciously, views and plans for this person, because his affairs with other women are perceived by you as a real crime.
Solution
All you need is to come to the realization that everything is over, that you and this man have no future together. Say it out loud, talk about it with your friends, make it not an assumption, but a fact, your reality.
Let your ex-man go. You can even mentally bury him, because never again in your life will you be associated with this person. When your subconscious accepts the fact of loneliness, you will again be able to adequately look at other men, choose a new love among them, and accept the news without pain that your ex has a new soul mate.
Reason #2
Giving a special role to former relationships. Was your ex your first love? Did you lose your virginity with him? Did he propose to you? Did you consider him your family? Such people leave an imprint on our soul, they become special to us, because they radically changed the course of our lives.
Even after a breakup, you can't deny the special role your ex played in your story. Because of this, many women begin to perceive those relationships in a special way, elevating them to the rank of “unique,” “unforgettable,” “one that will never happen again.”
Whatever the reason for the separation, our subconscious may continue to insist that that person was our destiny, our destiny, you just met in the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Such thoughts lead to the fact that we simply cannot love a new partner, we cannot see a future together with him, because he is “not the one.” The worst thing is when the subconscious begins to play its game, rejecting even the best candidates for the role of the new love of life. It acts like a dog loyal to your ex, keeping his master's place.
How to deal with your feelings
Be sure to do some serious work on yourself. The first step is to admit that there is a problem. Long-term relationships are built on trust. Those who believe that this is not so are very mistaken. Suspicions worsen not only the psychological state. They push important things into the background - romance and comfort.
Jealous of her husband's ex, a woman becomes fixated on the past, so the meaning of such a struggle is lost. The past cannot be returned or changed, but it won’t hurt to work on self-esteem. Confidence is necessary not only in external, but also in internal attractiveness. Among thousands of other women, your beloved man chose you. He fell in love with the timbre of the voice, the purity of the soul, the strength of character, the arch of the eyebrows or the unusual color of the eyes. Remember that you are beautiful and deserve to be happy.
Learn to trust your husband as quickly as possible. Only by believing that your partner is a faithful and decent person can you build strong relationships. If the chosen one does not give good reasons for jealousy, then the problem is hidden in you. Stay positive.
So that a man does not even think about cheating, it is better not to provoke a scandal, but to take care. Regular accusations of infidelity and a tense atmosphere at home will lead to the partner deciding to end the relationship. Constant pressure, even from the woman you love, can lead to collapse. Take control of your emotions and prove to your husband that you cannot find a better woman.
A man is free to date children from a previous marriage. You should not limit your husband in the amounts he spends on children. The most unpleasant thing is that when your partner is jealous of his ex-wife, you automatically hurt your children. The reluctance to share a loved one with others, even with a child, is associated with fear. The fear that a man will return to his previous family can lead to scandals.
Accept that your young man is forever connected with his children, and therefore with their mother. Attempts to break up relationships will lead to the opposite. If the chosen one agreed not to communicate with the family in the future, this is even worse, because The husband's responsibility and nobility are far from at the highest level. You can't put him before a choice. This won't end well.
Gifts from an ex-wife are often used for practical reasons rather than for good memories. Some of them are stored out of habit. Asking to get rid of gifts will lead to quarrels. The husband will regard such statements as an attack on personal space. It is not the gifts themselves, but suspicions that will destroy love.
A jealous woman is not only suspicious of gifts, but also of pleasant events from her partner’s past life. The man’s stories about carefree days and concerts they attended together cause concern. The fears stem from the assumption that the partner is now not leading as exciting a life as before. Remembering the good things that happened in the past, the chosen one does not necessarily want to return there. He probably enjoys mentally returning to pleasant moments.
You can prepare the ground for a happy family life by sharing your concerns and fears with your man. Talk to your partner about how you feel. Discuss your day, plan for the future.
The main thing is not to overdo it with complaints and suspicions. Nobody likes to be constantly bombarded with negative information. If you feel the need to speak out, it is better to contact a specialist in this field. The psychologist will listen and suggest the necessary techniques.
Be vigilant and do not fall for provocations. Your husband's ex may deliberately persuade him to cheat, spread absurd rumors, and otherwise try to destroy your relationship. Remain calm and do not react to intrigues.
Ex-wives even use their own children as tools of manipulation. A child is a strong factor that can bring a father back into the family. Patience, understanding and calm will show your ex-wife that you are a tough nut to crack.
Try to minimize the man's communication with his ex. Do this delicately and discreetly. Build friendly relationships with your man's friends. Join his hobby, cook together and do things that are interesting to both of you. It is important to leave a man’s personal space so that he feels comfortable in a relationship, without being intrusive.
Insist that meetings with children take place on your property. This way you can support your spouse in communicating with the children and be aware of what is happening.
And most importantly, do something interesting and become better every day. Gloomy thoughts are known to not contribute to a good appearance. When you feel that you are starting to be jealous, it is better to occupy yourself with cosmetic procedures, making your home cozy, preparing new culinary recipes, fitness or yoga.
Solution
Overcoming yourself is difficult, very difficult, but it is quite achievable. Many people go through this test, you can do it too. All you need is a systematic approach.
First, check out other people’s relationship stories and make sure that there is nothing special or key about what you elevate to some indescribable rank. People can suffer for years with “fate”, and then, by chance, find those. with whom you are truly happy.
Secondly, arrange an internal dialogue, think logically. If he is your destiny, then sooner or later you will get together anyway, so for now let him go and gain positive emotions and experiences with other people. Don't put chastity boundaries on yourself, it won't make you happy and won't bring him back.
Third, offset the positive with the negative. Every time you start thinking about your ex as someone incredible, remember the reason you broke up. Remember what horrors he allowed himself and how much pain he caused. Don't forgive him for this.
By destroying the ideal image of your ex, you will gain an understanding that he is far from an ideal, which you should not deprive yourself of. Take advantage of his sins and your pain, turn it against him, making your ex someone worth forgetting forever.
Reason #3
You are unsure of yourself. And the ex is the same person who loved you for who you are. Uncertainty breeds fear of meeting new people, those who have no idea who you are. Your positive sides, your wonderful character, this cannot be revealed right away on the first date, and the new guy may turn out to be an asshole.
But the ex has already been known inside and out, he knows everything about you and you know everything about him. He will accept you, he will love you again, he is your loved one. Is this how you think? This is how you drive yourself even deeper into despair and paranoia?
Of course, your ex-partner’s new lover will become an obstacle between him and you, which is why you will hate her with all your might. Who is she to be with the one who knows you best in this life? Does she want to ruin your happiness?
If all these thoughts are familiar to you, then you urgently need to move towards solving the problem. Otherwise, you risk being forever stuck in manic thoughts that there is only one person in this world who can give you happiness. And he's on the other side.
Why is a wife jealous of her ex-wife and child?
There is nothing surprising about this. All people are owners. And this manifests itself not only in relationships with the opposite sex. We want our own apartment, car, clothes, spoon for dinner, in the end. You will hardly be pleased if the table in a restaurant is served with unwashed cutlery. And you definitely won’t like it if the store clerk wraps up a bitten stick of sausage. And this instinct of possessiveness pushes us to the fact that we want to possess a person completely. Yes, in theory, your man’s past does not scare you: well, just think, there is an ex-wife somewhere, a child or two, some mythical alimony... While love and sexual instinct obscure your eyes. Or maybe this is your last chance to arrange your life, and here is such an interesting and promising man in every sense... The brain refuses to think.
Very often, girls and women do not think about the consequences, but try to “grab their luck” here and now - we’ll figure it out later. It is possible that, secretly from the man himself, the lady is confident in her uniqueness, which will help her gradually wean her away from her previous family and responsibility towards it. I will say this, ex-wives happen all the time, and not always such “witches” as your dear gentlemen describe them, but ex-children, no matter how trite it may sound, do not exist. Even if your man completely refuses them, the law will force him to pay alimony for their maintenance. And now it’s strict with this. The unemployed receive a flat sum of money, and you can’t escape it.
Probably, this hopelessness finishes off newly-made, free from obligations, wives. I want to build my own family, give birth to common children, spend money only on this circle of loved ones, but here a budget hole forms, into which bills are pulled like a pump. And the war begins. In general, the financial issue is one of the most pressing in the problem of ex-wives and “their” children.
I cannot deny the fact that some women firmly believe that they will be able to build an ideal relationship with their husband’s child from his first marriage. They, in principle, are well disposed towards him, ready to communicate, buy something besides alimony and take him home for the weekend... This idyll is shattered when the ex-wife with her maternal instinct ! “Some girl will be better than me, mother?!” Sound familiar? And this woman will do everything to make you and your child hate each other! This will be carefully planned if the ex-wife still has feelings for the man who now belongs to you...
In fact, there are many situations, and we will try to analyze each one in detail now. A jealous new wife is not always a terrible selfish person, just like an ex-wife is not always the “incarnation of hell” that your beloved husband makes her out to be. Although, I repeat once again, I believe that the relationship will work out better if your initial data is equal. This way you will find more common points of intersection. Only a woman who has experienced motherhood can understand fatherly feelings. It’s always easier to accept another person’s past when you’re already familiar with it yourself!
I’m jealous of my husband’s child from his first marriage, because I’m jealous of my husband’s ex-wife.
Do you want me to tell you a secret? You may be jealous of your husband not for the child deep down, but for his ex-wife. It may infuriate you that they once had intimacy, he spoke kind words to her, pampered her with his attention, and the child is the embodiment of all those tender feelings in past relationships. This is a projection of negative emotions onto the child. Most likely, you are not jealous of the child, but simply see that woman in his place!
This is felt more acutely if a man left the family because of you. Perhaps he did not come to this right away, and you have been a mistress for a long time. You fought so hard for him that now the slightest reminder of the past, which you barely managed to push out, makes you furious. And every child’s visit to you, his call to dad, his ex-wife’s request for help is like a step back. You would be happy to cross out all of them, but for some reason your loved one does not agree with this.
You are simply afraid of losing your husband . You are afraid that he will change his mind and return to his ex-wife, because there is a child there that clearly outweighs the advantages in her favor. This is her weapon of struggle against you, albeit not so obvious. Passions may fade between you, but a man’s love for his child always lives in his heart if he is a normal father and person. And this worries a woman’s darling soul every day.
Jealousy of a child and ex-wife due to uncertainty about her husband’s feelings and her feminine charms
Have you ever thought that your jealousy may be due to the fact that your spouse does not show his feelings enough, at least in your understanding (he may think that everything is fine)? But with a child, especially if it is a girl, he becomes somehow different... More affectionate, gentle, foolish and pliable... She wrinkles her nose, and he is ready to buy her everything in the world! He becomes open and simple with his child, which is not always the case with you. What if he also behaved in a similar way with his ex-wife? And you only get crumbs of his care and all the passions that he showed her?
You just want him to be the same with you as he was with the child from his first marriage and, possibly, with his ex-wife. It’s as if he doesn’t let you get closer to him, he’s set up some kind of barriers. Why? The most annoying thing is that you are not able to show all your feminine charms, and this hits your pride!
In such cases, it’s worth figuring out why your husband is strict and serious with you, but only doses out tenderness with affection. It's not a fact that this is the issue. Ask him openly why this is happening. Maybe some traits of your character do not allow him to completely liberate himself with you.
Jealousy of a child and ex-wife due to children's complexes
I heard a lot of complaints that the new wife was jealous of the child from her first marriage, and at the same time she herself was abandoned by her own father, who did not really show care or general interest in her life. One gets the feeling that adult women, finding themselves in a similar situation, are taking revenge for their childhood girlish grievances. Disliked by their dads, they want to replay everything. They are jealous that her husband pays attention to this child and does not abandon him! What was worse about her? No, she's good. And to prove this, she subconsciously wants to put everyone in their place. Let everyone be forgotten by their fathers after their parents’ divorce - this is normal, because I survived it!
Jealousy of a child and ex-wife due to banal selfishness
Yes, unfortunately, some women are jealous, selfish females who want to possess a high-ranking (demanded by others) male entirely. They will be disturbed not only by children and ex-wives with alimony payments and calls about these very children, but also by elderly parents, brothers, sisters, friends, colleagues, even pets whom the man dared to love too much. No, he can only love his “queen” and forget the rest at once!
This, ladies, is selfishness and pride. Your cruelty will definitely return to you a hundredfold. Cruelty, injustice, and anger released into this world are sure to boomerang back to their owner. They just hit unexpectedly and too painfully. Today you are driving your husband away from his children by hook or by crook, and tomorrow your children together will become a hindrance to him, since a new love will meet on his way with no less claims to sole possession.
If you are the kind of selfish person, choose men without a past. Don’t ruin the life of yourself, him, his children, your future children. So many destinies will be hurt and chewed by your emotions that it’s better not to start!
I hate my husband's child from his first marriage
Wow... Well, this happens too. You know, I’ve met good women who are ready to accept a baby, but something goes wrong, and such a respectable maiden becomes an evil miguera who hates an innocent child (although children sometimes turn out to be not such saints). If a woman is not selfish, then where does such negativity come from?
The man feels too guilty before the child and his former family , so he tries to make up for his shortcomings with an increased injection of finances, excess attention, indulgence, etc. The new wife is given the place of a servant and, excuse me, a girlfriend for carnal pleasures. What she wants, what would be interesting to her - he cares little. All his potential is aimed at satisfying his child. Such people do not hide the fact that there can be many wives...
To be honest, I would also not agree to devote my life to my man’s past, especially when he doesn’t care about my desires and interests. It’s difficult with a person who is only targeting a child from his first marriage. Most likely, he still sincerely believes that you are obliged to live solely with thoughts about the good of his beloved child. You have no right to want what his child does not want. How dare you not include a trip to the circus in your weekend plans! So you still don’t want to cook soup? Do you refuse to clean up the dirt after your children?
I want to upset you, but the birth of a joint baby will not stop him. He may delve even deeper into caring for the first child, because it will seem to him that he has become even more unhappy. Your admonitions that it is forbidden to treat a baby with snot, and in general he has a regime, will be received with hostility. I'm afraid that having a child together will only exacerbate the problem.
You know, the same men are found among those who feel guilty before their mother - they left her alone, got married and betrayed her. And my son has spent his entire life together not taking care of his wife, but of his unhappy mother. You will always be on the sidelines, half-bent and with your head down. Don't get involved with men who are fathers who feel insanely guilty about their child. You are unlikely to fit into their little world if you do not agree to play the role of an errand dog and walk on your hind legs.
The ex-wife persuades the child - another reason why the relationship does not work out, and the woman begins to hate her husband’s child from his first marriage. How many nasty things can offended husbands and wives say to each other through the ears of their common child! And so he comes to dad and his “evil aunt,” “stepmother,” “homewrecker who took away dad.” Do you think a woman will be able to establish a relationship with a child who considers her the main evil in the world? Even if this works out at a certain stage, mom has her finger on the pulse and will come up with a new dirty trick to make you look like a “goat jerk.”
Imagine if the aggressive one is not a child, but a teenager! These kids are already plotting their own intrigues, the kind that will make you rock. And dads still don’t believe that the baby has grown up, so they often believe her rather than their spouse. As a result, there is nothing left but hatred in a woman’s soul. Every weekend you see a person, even if not an adult, who hates you, and even let him into your house, spend money on him, feed him, look after him, clean up after him... And then “spit” in your face? Only the blessed one can withstand this.
In fact, children's manipulations by the father make certain adjustments in many newly formed families. If the husband’s mother also takes the child’s side (which happens more often), then it is very difficult to bring the situation under one’s own control. The mistake women make is that they lose to their children because of emotionality, instead of conveying to their husband about their right to rest, self-realization, personal space and feelings.
By the way, the fault does not always lie with the ex-wife. She may not say a bad word about your spouse, but the child himself decided that the new woman was to blame for the separation. Previously, he lived with his mother and father, and now instead of his mother there is some strange aunt, pointing and demanding, although what right does she have! And the child begins to show negativism towards his father’s chosen one. Subconsciously, he is trying to return to the life when dad was with mom . In this situation, only the patience and unobtrusiveness of the new wife will help. You don’t need to be his mother or “super good for him.” Just don't be negative and help in small ways if necessary. No more is required from you.
It happens that a child subconsciously feels the attitude of his father's wife towards him . If you do not accept your husband’s past in the form of a child in your soul and only outwardly put up with it, he may mirror your attitude towards him back to you.
Another reason why a new wife is angry at her husband’s child from another woman may be his banal bad manners and permissiveness . The new wife is a neat person, licks the house until it shines, but an 8-year-old little devil comes (who should already understand the issues of neatness) wipes his dirty hands on a white rag in the kitchen, walks in shoes across the entire corridor, climbs everywhere without asking and throws things around. Such a child may not understand the word “no.” Everything is allowed to him - he’s a child! And dad doesn’t go into much detail about how much time his wife spends on cleaning. He wasn’t the one who spent an hour polishing the mirrors, which by evening were all stained with children’s fingers. And what’s wrong with the fact that the girl smeared all the expensive cream, do you feel sorry for it? She's a child!
You know, at first many men take the claims with hostility, but they still manage to convey the information to the majority. The main thing is to do this reasonedly and without unnecessary emotions.
