This article is for girls who are in a state of uncertainty and asking questions:
- Why doesn’t a man hold on and let go: doesn’t want a relationship, but doesn’t disappear forever?
- Why is a love affair like a swing: first upswing and romance, then an abyss and a sea of tears?
- Why does a man refuse a serious relationship, but does not leave?
- Why, having already put an end to the relationship, does the guy not make a final break: from time to time he writes, sends his photos, remembers the past, again and again stirring up interest in his person, and even confesses his feelings?
Let's figure out together why you are surrounded by fans who are not ready for a serious and long-term relationship, and what to do so that there is someone nearby who appreciates, respects and loves, and not someone who does not hold and does not let go.
This remedy will help you solve relationship problems and return love >>>
I will describe a common situation in which you or your friend have probably found themselves at least once.
Love relationships have turned from romantic and promising into annoying “chewing gum”. The man doesn’t want to be together, but he doesn’t leave either. From time to time he pays attention to you, writes pleasant words, even gives you flowers. And disappears again. And then it appears again.
What is the reason for this man’s behavior and attitude towards you? How can I change this? How to make a man who doesn’t want to be together take the first step towards him?
How our thoughts drive the motives of men's behavior
Every action has a motive. Even the most incomprehensible and, at first glance, inexplicable.
Let's use simple examples from life to understand what motives guide a man when he does not let go and does not hold on to his woman.
Imagine that you want ice cream. What will you do? Go to a cafe or shop. Choose the most delicious and enjoy the taste.
Do you like ice cream or chocolate? Or maybe pistachio? Oh, we're talking about men! Although why do we need them if we have a favorite dessert? Kidding.
The motive for your trip to a cozy establishment or store near your home will be the desire to get ice cream -
that is, to satisfy a need that has arisen
.
Men who do not hold on and do not let go also have their own motives that satisfy certain needs. It may seem that a man is using you to realize his own goals and solve his problems.
But if you are not new to the power of thought, then you understand that this is not so.
Often, the motives for male behavior arise due to your thoughts and attitude, first of all, towards yourself.
A little later we will look at exactly what motives can guide a man’s behavior in these situations. And right now I suggest you take a break from reading and try to honestly answer the question: “ Why did I attract this particular man into my life? What is he trying to show me, what to teach me? »
Understand that your man is
a mirror of your attitude towards yourself, towards representatives of the other sex, towards life in general.
The people who appear in our lives are our teachers. They come to help us become better. If we turn to Colin Tipping's technique of radical forgiveness, then even the ugly behavior of people towards us is a gift.
Based on the above, think about why you need a man who does not hold and does not let go, one who is nearby, but not together.
Do you want your man to change his behavior? Start with your thoughts!
On the subject: Harmonious love relationships: chance or your merit?
When you put things in order in your head, you won’t have to think about why a man doesn’t want a relationship. You will be puzzled by other questions:
- What does this situation teach me?
- What thoughts led me to this situation?
- What did I think that my man reflected this with his actions?
- What should my thoughts be about myself and my man in order for our relationship to be wonderful?
Can a man fall in love?
Lack of feelings is a natural phenomenon, because even the first beauty can face the fact that the chosen one is indifferent to her. In such a situation, only one question arises: can a man ever fall in love. Psychologists believe that in such a controversial situation, the likelihood of tender feelings arising is extremely low. If a man uses a woman for his own purposes, if he views relationships as a habit, then one should not wait for the rekindling of intense feelings. Such a person will remain cold no matter what.
However, if a man does not let go of a woman, but sometimes shows tenderness towards her, then there is still a chance to save the relationship. A woman can only make every effort to resolve the problem situation as quickly as possible. She needs to constantly emphasize her external attractiveness, show care and tenderness towards the man, and try to fill the time spent together with pleasant memories. In this case, sincere feelings may arise over time.
A situation in which a man does not let go, but at the same time does not love, is not uncommon. The basis of such a personal tragedy is that by fighting for feelings for this partner, a woman may miss out on a sincere and fulfilling relationship. Psychologists advise to boldly break off relationships with those who behave selfishly, aggressively and dishonestly. However, as long as one partner is in love, the relationship has a chance to be restored.
Olesya, Taganrog
Doesn't hold and doesn't let go. Why?
Don't get me wrong: in this article I do not want to justify the behavior of men who are not ready for a serious relationship. Moreover, it also happens that today a man may not be ready for a long-term relationship with you, but tomorrow he will propose his hand and heart to another woman.
I just want to figure out with you what motives drive men who don’t want a relationship, and show how we ourselves provoke such behavior towards us.
So, the man does not hold and does not let go. Why? Here are the main reasons.
Reason #1. Subconscious fear of loneliness
How do you feel about loneliness? How do you feel when you hear this word?
For example, for me, loneliness is freedom, joy, the opportunity to be filled with energy, to be alone with myself.
But some people associate loneliness with something sad and unpleasant. And some even experience nervous trembling and a nasty chill from just the thought of loneliness.
If you are afraid of loneliness and constantly think about it, you can only attract more loneliness into your life.
Men also experience fear of loneliness. They try to compensate for this condition by the presence of at least someone in their life. This is one of the reasons why a man does not let a woman go, even though he does not want a relationship.
It is easier to part with a person than with illusions about him.
Martha Ketro
For a while he gets distracted, meets with friends or other girls. And then he realizes that he is still lonely. The man is afraid to be left alone, he is overcome by melancholy, his mood deteriorates. What do you think he does at such moments?
Writes to you: “Hello, how are you?” But this message is written to you, most likely, not by his heart and sincere warm feelings, but by the inner fear of being left alone.
He is simply afraid to be alone with himself.
The question is: why do you personally need this situation? Do you want a relationship with a person who communicates with you out of despair? Or are you also driven by the fear of loneliness?
Sometimes the mere thought of loneliness makes people stay in relationships that they don't really need. And it turns out that two loneliness meet from time to time. And for what? Dont clear.
On the subject: How to stop worrying and find happiness within yourself
What to do? Process the negative attitude about loneliness
The only thing you should really strive for in dealing with loneliness is not to be afraid of it.
It is important to be able to find entertainment for yourself and enjoy this solitude without the participation of your significant other, relatives or friends.
If you feel comfortable with yourself, then you will not have the need to maintain an incomprehensible connection where you are uncomfortable. For example, with a man who says he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now.
You will enjoy being alone until a man worthy of you appears somewhere on the horizon.
Reason #2. Confusion in the head and thoughts
Another answer to the question “Why won’t he let me go?” — the man is confused. In life, he prefers to act like a little boy.
On Monday he wants a relationship and calls you. And on Tuesday he plans to go on a trip around the world by bicycle. And the dreamer will definitely meet his dream woman on the way, but he doesn’t need you at all. And on Wednesday, while scrolling through social media feeds, he suddenly sees how beautiful you are in a new dress. And again he writes that it would be nice to meet. A man who doesn't understand what he wants is a headache that you yourself agree to.
And we see again that a mess in the head and a lack of specific goals in life do not contribute to finding happiness in love.
What to do? Get your thoughts in order
Ask yourself a series of questions. The main one is why am I in this relationship now? What thoughts or attitudes brought me here?
Maybe you yourself, like your man who doesn’t hold on and doesn’t let go, are also looking for yourself and don’t know what you want? Think about what goals you have in life right now? Where are you heading? What kind of relationship do you want?
In other words, decide what you want from life and from relationships.
We will return to this conversation a little later. Now let’s look at another possible reason for the behavior of a man who doesn’t hold on and doesn’t let go.
But first I recommend that you study this. Happy relationships guaranteed! >>>
Reason #3. Negative attitude about betrayal, or Alternate airfield
Unfortunately or fortunately, it happens that while you are choosing between two new dresses in the fitting room, your man is choosing between you and another girl.
A lover who disappears somewhere for weeks can maintain a relationship with you every day with sweet messages. For what? To ensure that you can land at an alternate airfield if necessary. What if things don’t work out with the new girl? Where should he go?
Are you ready to be an alternate airfield? And again I invite you to consider this situation from the perspective of the power of thought.
I want to ask you this question: “Why did you find yourself in a relationship where the man chooses between you and another girl?”
Maybe you don't consider yourself worthy of the best? Maybe you think too often that there are many girls around who are more beautiful and interesting than you?
Let's check if you have a destructive attitude that the man you love can cheat?
What to do? Removing the negative attitude about cheating
Do you remember if there was infidelity in your parents’ family? You may have taken from childhood the idea that male infidelity is normal. It's time to work through this negative attitude. Ready? Yes, yes, right here and now.
Take a piece of paper and a pen. Write the statement below:
There is an opinion that cheating in a relationship is normal.
Now cross out this phrase. Write down the following below:
There is also an opinion that fidelity in a relationship is natural. And this is true, because I am now reading an article on the website of the “Power in Thought” project.
Write two more affirmative sentences with your explanations of why the new attitude is true.
For example:
There is also an opinion that fidelity in a relationship is natural. And this is true, because I am now writing the text with blue ink.
Rewrite your new setup with proof and repeat it often.
On the subject: How to stop being jealous, or The best cure for jealousy
And we continue.
Reason #4. Low self-esteem in a man or you
Another reason why a man doesn’t let go is his desire to increase his self-esteem at someone else’s expense.
How does this usually happen?
Someone from the entourage tells the man that he is not such a prince on a white horse. The little boy inside him protests, gets offended and goes looking for confirmation that he is, on the contrary, the man of his dreams. Due to low self-esteem, he has a need to look for evidence of his attractiveness.
What does the offended boy do in this case? He writes to someone he hasn’t thought about for weeks. And the insecure girl happily accepts the “prince,” increasing his self-esteem with her agreement to spend time together, although before that she had completely different plans.
What to do? Work with self-esteem
Remember, confident people do not seek confirmation!
Now I’ll ask you an important question: “Have you ever taken advantage of the attention of those you like just to make yourself feel better?”
I don't want you to start blaming yourself or the man who does this. Just think about what thoughts about yourself led you to that situation.
Above, we have already discussed how negative thoughts about yourself, about your partner, and even loneliness control your reality.
Do you think a girl who loves and values herself could find herself in a similar situation? And a man who is confident in himself will seek confirmation of this by playing on other people’s feelings?
On the subject: How girls with low self-esteem can meet the man of their dreams
Confident people know how great they are even without proof.
If you realize that your self-esteem requires adjustment, then be sure to work on it. Love yourself, and a worthy man will love you back!
The main reason is our opinion of ourselves
As you can see, the main reason why a man appears and disappears is our opinion about ourselves.
This means that the first hero of a love story to whom questions arise about the motives of behavior is ourselves.
Why is it that I am now in a relationship where my partner does not value me? What attitude in my head prevents me from being happy in love? For what reason do I attract these kinds of men into my life?
The answers to these questions will help you understand what you did wrong and where to move next.
In any case, there is no need to be upset and sad. We all make mistakes in life, and that's completely normal. Don't blame yourself for all your sins and just let the situation go. Realize what judgments about yourself and your partners it’s time to part with, and act.
For every minute of anger, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I want to tell you the real story of a student at the “Power in Thought” school, who had trouble getting along with men. I hope this example encourages you and inspires you to make changes.
The story of student Lisa Volkova
One girl wanted sincere and mutual feelings, but she couldn’t get into a serious relationship. All the men treated her lightly.
She was tired of frivolous fans and asked Lisa Volkova a question: “Why do I always fail with men?” Having analyzed the situation together, they discovered and worked through the negative attitude that was firmly ingrained in the girl’s head: “Men don’t need serious relationships.”
And what do you think? Now this girl is happy with her beloved, and things are moving towards the wedding.
It's better not to dance on the rake.
Don't be patient. If you understand that you don’t like something in life, then do everything to solve this problem. Don't expect everything to “fix itself.” Engage your mindset today!
Let's summarize what has been said and once again look point by point at how to become happy in a relationship.
If a man doesn't want a serious relationship, why doesn't he let him go?
This is a situation like: I won’t eat it myself, and I won’t give it to anyone else. Such men are real egoists who behave absolutely the way they want, while keeping the woman in the dark and with false hopes. Usually these are excellent manipulators - a guy may not call for a week, and then he will be scattered with declarations of love.
Why doesn’t a man let his chosen one go, despite the fact that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with her? Let's not consider the option of a married man - everything is clear with this. He values you as an additional link, but the main one is always your wife, no matter what stories they feed you (we’ll get divorced soon, I love only you, we live like neighbors, I’m with her for the sake of the children). These songs are always the same, believe me. Only in rare cases does a mistress take that coveted top position. Why doesn't he let go? Why? You raise his self-esteem, he breathes with you, feels wanted and needed. A man fills the void that was created with his legal wife. That's all.
Apart from this, the most common reason is convenience. You have common interests, you will always wait for him, feed him, hug him, caress him. You are constantly available - people come to you when they want and any behavior is accepted unquestioningly. When a man gets used to this, it is already pointless to count on a more serious attitude towards himself. It’s a sin to let such a woman go – who else will treat him so unforgettably.
There is a second common option: a man loves his companion, but refuses to build a serious relationship because of the character (habits, behavior) of his beloved. If there is something in you that stops him, he will hope to the last for your correction. Maybe you are too hot-tempered or gloomy? Or do you refuse to cook dinners? You have 4 cats and he has allergies? Do you spend more time with your friends than with him? Think about it.
You can keep a woman near you for a number of other reasons:
- a man is simply afraid of loneliness (category 35+);
- obsessed with himself, and comes to his companion only for fresh praise, a portion of love, recognition, clean socks or his favorite borscht;
- he is flattered by this turn of events;
- confused in my feelings;
- has two women in mind, and each of them complements each other in qualities and skills.
If a guy doesn’t want a serious relationship, but doesn’t want to break up either, this is a dangerous trap for women. The sly man doesn’t just keep his companion, he shows her his interest in every possible way. He buys her gifts, is jealous of her, takes care of her, gets angry. With his sudden attacks, he makes it clear how dear she is to him, pulling her by an invisible thread in situations that are convenient for him. But at the first opportunity he leaves! Such relationships last as long as the woman allows it.
Four steps to female happiness
So, what should you do so that you don’t even have to think about the motives for the behavior of men who don’t hold on and don’t let go?
1. Analyze the current situation
To do this, ask yourself questions:
- Am I a better person being around this man?
- Am I doing what I really want to do now?
- What actions does this man take that prove that he values and respects me?
- What actions of his prove otherwise?
- What actions of mine show that I love and respect myself?
- Why do I have such relationships in my life?
Some men are like snowmen. You mold them into an image, and then it melts.
Eric Bern
2. Decide to have a frank conversation with the man you love
If you have questions for a man or you don’t like the fact that he constantly appears and disappears, then ask directly what he needs from you. Explain what upsets you about his actions. Let us know what you are not happy with.
We cry when we part with a person. But who knows, maybe if we had stayed with him, we would have shed a lot more tears.
Marcene Gron
A great way to check if everything is going well in your relationship is to imagine yourself in the man’s shoes.
Why is he acting this way? Does he care about you and show respect when he disappears for a few days or weeks and then appears again?
Answers to questions about a man’s attitude towards you will show how you treat yourself and what you agree to. A man is a mirror of a woman and her attitude towards herself.
Remember, with our thoughts we attract those who agree with us. If all men are assholes, then here is a candidate just for your request. And if you are sure that you are surrounded by wonderful men, then so be it.
Related: How to get the perfect love relationship? Hicks will help
3. Figure out what kind of relationship you really want
We have already said above that a man who does not know what he wants may neither hold on nor let go.
Do you know what kind of relationship you want?
The power of thought will help you figure this out. Describe in detail what your ideal relationship looks like. The more details, the better.
Imagine that you are already in a harmonious relationship. You are happy and loved.
How do you feel?
4. Love yourself sincerely and without conditioning
Until you love yourself with unconditional love, until you begin to appreciate your uniqueness, it will be very difficult for worthy men to see the woman of their dreams in you.
Think about what you will do today to please your loved one? Make a list of pleasant things to do.
When was the last time you painted with watercolors, picked up a camera, or walked in your favorite park? Right now.
When did you dress up beautifully at home? Buy a chic lounge suit, convenient and comfortable. Get rid of clothes you don't like in.
And the Marathon from Veronica Kitsenko and Elizaveta Volkova “I’m Alone” will help you comprehensively develop self-love.
I hope that after reading this article you will look at yourself and at the man who does not hold on and does not let go, with different eyes. Now you understand how our attitudes in our heads affect personal relationships, and you know in which direction to move, where to look for the answer and what questions to ask yourself when your partner does not behave the way you would like.
And in order to certainly inspire you to make personal changes, I will add another small but very pleasant section to this article.
Why do men want to restore relationships?
The problem of why men return after a breakup has been studied by psychology. Several factors have been identified:
- longing for past relationships;
- reluctance to share a girl with another person;
- awareness of error;
- disappointment in other women;
- loneliness.
How long it takes for men to return to women after a breakup depends on how quickly they realize their sincere feelings. Only after the breakup does the guy understand who she was to him and how important she is.
Longing for past relationships
The human subconscious displaces the unpleasant moments of life, they are quickly forgotten. Therefore, after leaving, men often remember only the good events that they experienced. The guy now has a lot of other worries and troubles. There is a desire to see a white streak in life. At the moment, the man associates her with his former passion. He wants to relive the happy moments that he had in his life.
Not wanting to share your ex with someone else
Sometimes a man believes that since the woman belonged to him, it means that it should continue to be so, even if they broke up a long time ago. He is annoyed that another person will touch her, kiss her, make her happy. A sense of competition immediately awakens in him. He wants to be a winner. As long as the lady spends time with family and friends, he is calm. As soon as she has a boyfriend, the ex-man again begins to show signs of attention. But as soon as he returns the girl, he will no longer need her again. His main goal is to feel victory.
Realizing the error
There are guys who realize that their behavior was undignified. They begin to regret that they treated their loved ones poorly. This explains why guys go back to their ex-girlfriends. But sometimes, after returning, melancholy overtakes. A good guy turns into a bad person. He leaves again, promising not to remember the lady, not to look in her direction. As a rule, it is not enough for a long time.
READ
How long does it take for a man to become bored after a breakup?
Disappointment in other girls
After breaking up with his girlfriend, the guy goes in search of a new lover. He looks for qualities in women that were not present in his former passion. The man is sure that there are more beautiful young ladies, because there are so many of them in this world. After several failures, the guy concludes that his ex was the best, and everyone else is boring and uninteresting, even if they are beautiful and sexy.
Loneliness
The man leaves the woman, raising his head proudly. He is sure that he is irresistible, so he will quickly find a replacement for her. Having met other girls, he comes to the conclusion that he is tired of them. The man is left alone. There is no one to cook, wash, clean or iron. It's cold in bed alone, it's uncomfortable at home. Suddenly he remembers his former passion, forgets everything bad that happened to her, wants her back.
Other reasons
There are other reasons why men come back after a breakup. For example, when former spouses have children together. If he is a loving father and does not want his child to be raised by a stepfather, he will return to the family. But if it is difficult for spouses to be together, they constantly quarrel, then reunification will only do harm.
Some men believe that their ex-girlfriend will disappear and will not be able to withstand the problems that will fall on her shoulders. He might even want to commit suicide. To prevent this, the guys are returning. Lovers of passions, for whom it is difficult together, and even worse apart, also renew their relationship.
What happens when you change your thinking?
Above we talked about the fact that men are our reflections: they behave with us the way we think about ourselves.
When you learn to stop negative thoughts in your head and replace them with positive ones, real miracles will begin to happen.
For example, Lisa’s student, whom I mentioned above, after discovering that she had the attitude “Men don’t need serious relationships,” began actively working with her.
What did she do?
She transformed negative thoughts into positive ones and looked for confirmation that men actually want a serious relationship. I remembered that her parents have been together for 27 years, and there are many friends around who are happy in serious relationships. In a word, the girl has done a lot of work to prove to herself that men want a serious relationship. And everything worked out!
She met a man dreaming of a family, who from the first days of their acquaintance showed the seriousness of his intentions.
And those who previously directly said that they did not want a serious relationship and were not ready for it, or simply disappeared from life, returned, changing their minds.
Thus, using a real example, we see that our thoughts can even influence those around us. Men begin to reflect our new opinion of ourselves, and their attitude towards us inevitably changes.
And even that man who now does not hold and does not let go can return with a marriage proposal. Or maybe a new fan will appear, with whom it will be easy, pleasant and cozy for you.
Think positively and listen to yourself, following the dictates of your soul and heart - they will tell you the right decision.
Reasons for breaking up a relationship on the initiative of a guy
Sometimes a guy, leaving a woman, is guided by the fact that she is not so beautiful, since his friends were not jealous of him. Someone will say that the chosen one did not love him, admired him little, criticized his character, status, achievements. Other reasons why guys leave girls include:
READ
What's the best way to turn a guy off so he doesn't get offended: proven methods
- imbalance;
- complaints about low income, greed;
- dislike of his friends;
- jealousy;
- inability to inspire the male sex to feats.
That is, the man believes that he is leaving a lady who could not meet his expectations. In his opinion, he deserves more. Girls, having learned the reasons for men leaving them, should take note of these arguments, draw conclusions and try to prevent a possible separation in the future.
Impulsive
Impulsive reasons are considered to be those that arose out of emotion; leaving became sudden as a result. These include:
- treason;
- unpredictable behavior;
- lack of emotions;
- crisis situations.
The most impulsive reason is betrayal. Men are kind of owners. They can't stand it when someone else owns their significant other. A man regards a girl’s unpredictable behavior in society as vulgarity and bad manners. It doesn’t matter how he was raised, his woman must be ideal.
Men need emotional support from women. They need to be admired and supported. If they have this, they have a desire to conquer the world, to be needed, to win, to strive for new heights. When this is not the case, they feel worthless, self-esteem drops, and they shift the blame onto women. Guys leave their chosen ones because they don’t want to perform feats for their sake.
READ
How to get your relationship back with your loved one and when it’s better not to do it
Crisis situations imply a period of life when a man wonders why he is next to this young lady. He wonders how his life would have turned out if he had been with someone else. Partially, this reason is a consequence of the previous one, when the emotions from the existing relationship cease to be enough.
Objective
Objective reasons are those that a man thought about for a long time and weighed all the arguments.
They can be like this:
- requirement to legitimize relations;
- woman's high income;
- low intelligence;
- lack of self-care;
- incompatibility of characters;
- routine in everyday life;
- siphoning money from a man's wallet.
Most women dream of a stamp in their passport. They love to start conversations with their loved ones about the wedding. If such conversations occur frequently, representatives of the stronger sex get scared and break off the relationship. Most likely, the guys are simply not ready for such a step. When the time comes, the man himself will propose marriage.
An unequal financial situation can interfere with relationships. This applies to couples in which the lady earns more than her boyfriend. Sometimes it is better to remain silent about the amount of your salary. If he knows what the income of the girl he lives with is, he will develop an inferiority complex. Some will be happy about this, but then they will be tormented by a feeling of guilt, they will begin to reproach the woman for not being able to succeed in life. As a result, the man will leave for another lady whose income will be less. Only then will he feel strong, confident and significant.
Men are more interested in living next to smart women. This does not mean that you need to show your intelligence by belittling the dignity of your gentleman. But you can’t be stupid either, otherwise the man will get bored. It is also important for a guy that his lady looks well-groomed. To do this, you need to take care of your appearance.
Most often, the reason for the breakup is stated as incompatibility of characters. This is when it is difficult for people to be together due to the fact that they wake up at different times, like different foods, movies, music, and each have their own attitude to changes in life. Everyday life leads to separation, because it becomes boring to be together, the beloved does not know how to cook, the house is a mess. All this is repeated every day.
READ
How to stop thinking about a man who doesn’t need you: advice from a psychologist
Inflated financial demands of the chosen one can cause harm because the man will begin to consider the relationship with her to be consumer. For agreeing to have sex, such a girl may demand that you buy her expensive jewelry. The gentleman will think that she has no feelings, only material needs. He will think, why then live with her, because sex can be obtained with less effort with another passion.
