- What kind of self-criticism is there?
- How does toxic self-criticism affect us?
- How do self-critical tendencies develop?
- How can I tell if I'm being overly critical of myself?
- Ways to Get Rid of Your Toxic Inner Critic
How often do you criticize yourself? How strong is your inner critic? We are used to thinking that it is normal to subject our thoughts and actions to criticism. Indeed, it can be useful when we try to learn from our mistakes, develop our strengths, or try to overcome undesirable habits. Moderate criticism of your actions and decisions can increase your level of awareness. But toxic self-criticism, on the contrary, has a huge negative impact on the psyche, driving you into a circle of endless self-flagellation and doubt. What are some ways to break this circle? Where does the desire to criticize yourself come from? How does excessive self-criticism manifest itself?
The answers are in our article.
What kind of self-criticism is there?
There is a self-criticism scale that was developed by Thompson and Zuroff in 2004. It includes two types of self-critical behavior: comparative and internal.
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- In comparative thinking
, people tend to evaluate themselves based on how others think of them, whom they view as superior or hostile. Accordingly, with this type, a person compares himself with others and notes his shortcomings. - Internal self-criticism
kicks in when we feel we are not living up to our personal ideals and standards. If this type of internal critic is too strong, a person will consider himself not good enough and will devalue his achievements. For example, he will not experience joy when he receives praise or a pleasant reward at work.
On the contrary, someone who sets the bar too high and is constantly critical of themselves may even feel like a failure in such a situation. With this type of thinking, a person has only two poles: perfection and complete failure. But perfection cannot be achieved, so almost everything is perceived as failure.
Such sentiments are typical for those who are susceptible to perfectionism, as well as impostor syndrome.
It is important to understand that both approaches to self-criticism are completely subjective.
. When self-criticism becomes chronic, or excessive, or toxic, a person perceives even perfectly done work as terrible. Moreover, he often transfers his assessment of his own actions and decisions to his personality: “I do everything badly, I’m bad.” What could this lead to?
How does toxic self-criticism affect us?
Periodic self-doubt is considered completely normal. Another thing is toxic self-criticism. When her voice is too strong, it interferes with her ability to work normally, engage in any activities, including hobbies, and impede self-development and new beginnings.
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Such self-deprecation and devaluation of one’s own actions and achievements spoils the mood, reduces self-esteem and motivation
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Moreover, due to the inadequate voice of the inner critic, a person may experience mental health problems
, in particular, depressive episodes, social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder (distorted perception of one's appearance) or feelings of worthlessness.
Self-critical tendencies are also associated with perfectionism and self-harm
. We'll talk more about this below when we look at how toxic self-critical behavior manifests itself.
In some cases, self-blame can lead to the projection of negative beliefs onto other people.
. A person will expect reproach from everyone, negative assessments of himself, his activities, etc. And such an anxious expectation has a detrimental effect on interpersonal relationships.
Very often, those for whom the problem of excessive internal criticism is relevant also do not know how to work with external criticism. Read our tips on how to learn to take criticism correctly.
Thus, toxic internal criticism, as well as a mixture of excessive internal and external criticism, can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
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A self-critical person may have difficulty asserting personal needs and desires
, and may be more likely to demonstrate submissiveness in their relationships with others due to fear of rejection. Although such relationships may not bring him any benefit. First of all, because such perception is literally a godsend for manipulators, and they rarely just let their victims go.
How to Reduce Excessive Self-Criticism
Self-criticism should be moderate. If it is not there at all or it is excessive, then it will not end well, and perhaps even harm a person’s mental health. Negativity always has a negative impact on a person’s life and his general condition.
Excessive self-criticism needs to be fought, and to do this you must understand that all negative thoughts are a reflection of our habits, not our personality. And in order to eliminate such habits, we recommend that you learn to pay attention to their manifestation.
A great method is to write down all your self-critical thoughts in a notebook. If your condition worsens again, these notes will help you return to awareness and understand that manifestations of excessive self-criticism leave their mark on everything you do.
At first glance you may think that this is very easy, but it is not. Trying to identify self-critical thoughts is not at all easy, especially for those who have already come to terms with their low self-esteem and cannot normally perceive themselves in a different light.
In such a situation, it is recommended to pay more attention to your emotional changes. Often, if it changes dramatically, it results in excessive self-criticism.
Try to do everything to make negative thoughts weaken their influence. To do this, you need to praise yourself even for the smallest victories and achievements.
Understand that you need to learn to accept your mistakes correctly, because they give you experience and teach you what not to do. Make it a habit to celebrate even the smallest achievements and don’t forget to praise yourself once again.
Try to work through all your shortcomings. To do this, you will need to identify all the traits that you would like to get rid of and those that, on the contrary, should be developed. Try to find as many opportunities as possible to cope with excessive self-criticism.
How do self-critical tendencies develop?
Like many other aspects of personality, the tendency to excessive self-flagellation often comes from childhood, or more precisely, from negative experiences with parents or other authoritative adults.
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Research on relationships and attachments shows that the earliest connections in life have a significant impact on self-perception, including self-criticism and evaluation of one's actions. When parents give children autonomy, encourage them to do things on their own, allow them to make mistakes, but are also supportive, children are more likely to become confident and grow up with a sense of security about their own choices.
An authoritarian parenting style can lead to a negative sense of self and low self-esteem.
. When children feel that their parents reject them and do not treat them with warmth and compassion, there is a greater chance that they will grow up to be overly critical of both themselves and the world around them.
Some people think that overly criticizing children, never praising them, devaluing their achievements, constantly comparing them to others, etc. will make them strong. In most cases, such upbringing works exactly the opposite.
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This attitude of adults can lead to various problems in a child, and one of them is an excessive inner critic. Growing up, a person seems to reproduce in his head what his parents told him
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He has low self-esteem, no desire to try anything new (after all, nothing will work out anyway), learn anything, etc.
The influence of self-criticism on a person
Self-criticism is far from the best quality. Such people are very strict with themselves. These people scold themselves for even the slightest mistake, they are always sure that they are doing something the right way and always blame themselves for everything.
This habit has a very detrimental effect on people. Such people will not tolerate even the smallest mistake. Such people have many complexes and simply put a stigma on themselves because of any difficulty or mistake.
Such an attitude towards oneself affects the fact that a person stops noticing his good qualities. As a result, a person sees himself only from one side. Hence the excessive self-criticism. Excessive self-criticism completely destroys all good feelings about yourself and can even turn into real depression.
How can I tell if I'm being overly critical of myself?
Toxic self-criticism can be tracked and worked through. First of all, you need to understand what patterns of behavior are typical for you. Below we give typical examples of how people with an overly harsh, derogatory inner critic think and act. Rate how these points apply to you.
- You blame yourself for all negative situations
. You always feel that you are personally responsible even for those things that do not depend on you, and you always take the blame on yourself. For example, you apologize for being late due to a traffic accident and feel great shame about this situation. - You evaluate your personality as a whole, not the specific mistakes you have made
. Instead of saying, “That was the wrong way, I’ll do it differently next time,” you tend to put yourself down: “I’m a failure, I can’t do anything.” You don't focus on the behavior that caused the problem - you think negatively about your overall personality and undermine your self-confidence. - You avoid risk
. You tell yourself you will fail because it happens every time. Ultimately, you come to the conclusion that the safest action is inaction. You don’t want to try or change anything, you avoid risks because you are sure that nothing will come of any endeavor. - You avoid voicing your own opinions
. What if you say something stupid or not entirely correct? Situations are normal when you consider yourself not erudite enough to speak on an unfamiliar topic in a certain company. It is reasonable. The problem comes when you behave this way among people who have even less knowledge about the topic. When you are afraid to voice your opinion, although you are 100% competent in this area. Or when, in principle, you try not to share your point of view with anyone, even in cases where there can be no right or wrong answers. - You have incredibly high standards
. Do you believe that you can't be happy unless you are the smartest, most attractive, and most creative person? But is this possible? Unrealistic standards lead to a constant feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself. - You tend to worry excessively and have “what if” scenarios...
You imagine the worst case scenario of what could happen and obsess over it. This anxiety can be a form of self-doubt, especially when you constantly worry about possible personal failures or are unable to let go of something that has already happened. - You have problems with the perception of your appearance
. Interestingly, this problem is equally relevant for people of absolutely any appearance and has little to do with how a person actually looks. If you never look good enough in your own eyes, you are definitely engaging in self-criticism. - You don't stand up for your needs and desires
. You are afraid to insist on your own, offer or ask for something, as you may be refused. Refusal in your understanding is shame, collapse, failure. That's why sometimes it's easier for you to remain silent. - You have thoughts of self-harm
. For some people, various forms of self-harm provide relief from emotional pain. In many cases, emotional pain is rooted in self-blame. - You were constantly criticized by your parents or loved ones
. If so, perhaps you have internalized such messages so well that your inner critic has become too strong and its voice is overshadowing the rest of the reasoning in your head. - You constantly remember your mistakes
. You invest a lot of time and energy into analyzing what you did wrong. At the same time, formally you seem to analyze mistakes, but in fact you do not draw a conclusion from this on what to do in the future, but simply blame yourself without extracting anything valuable from the experience. Most likely, you are unnecessarily stressing yourself out. - You don't reward yourself
. You see no reason to boost your self-esteem through positive messages such as “I'm fine”, “I can do this”. To some of us, positive self-talk may seem strange or funny, but it is not at all. Self-support is a great way to get rid of the critical inner voice. - You protect yourself from feedback
. Do you tend to get hurt and angry when people give you constructive criticism? If you are overly self-critical, you are likely to overreact to feedback from others and perceive any criticism - even helpful - as evidence of your failure. - You don't know how to accept compliments
. When someone says something nice about you, you feel like you don't deserve it. Or perhaps you deflect compliments with self-deprecation. If so, you may prefer to take a self-critical view of yourself. Tip: When someone compliments you, simply respond with, “Thank you.” - You think in terms of a black and white value system
. Setting absolute ideals and focusing on extremes causes you to ignore partial successes. You cannot praise yourself for achievements that fall even slightly short of the bar you set. Let us note that often the bar is completely unrealizable...
By the way, this way of thinking is characteristic of people with learned helplessness. Read what it is and how to deal with it.
Personal demon
Man is his own worst enemy. Sometimes it seems that it brings him unspeakable pleasure to spend a huge amount of time on his own criticism. Self-criticism is, of course, good, but at the same time it is the most common way to harm yourself.
Each of us has such a demon, which we are used to calling the inner voice, the unfriendly “I”, the inner critic, etc. This voice often sounds in the head and consists of thoughts full of criticism. And we tend to take all these negative thoughts at face value. To understand whether you are susceptible to the influence of your inner demon, consider doing something new and unusual. The demon will immediately come out, begin to point out weak points and repeat that there is nothing good in this idea, and, to put it mildly, your strength is not enough to implement it. These and similar words come from inner monsters of self-criticism all the time:
- You can not do it.
- They'll laugh at you.
- Who are you?
- Have you already forgotten the last time you sat in a puddle?!
- This is silly.
- To do this, you need to have what you don’t have, etc.
They are the ones who prevent you from living a full life, slowly and confidently achieving your cherished goals. Ultimately, being carried away by excessive self-criticism, a person will receive only one message: I am not good enough. But this will be more than enough for your whole life to go downhill.
Ways to Get Rid of Your Toxic Inner Critic
It is quite possible to get rid of constant self-flagellation. Here are a few ways to help solve this problem.
Examine the evidence
The truth is that your thoughts are not always true—they are often exaggeratedly negative. Before you believe the criticisms you tell yourself, look at the evidence. For example, you think, "I'm going to embarrass myself when I give this presentation." Pause for a minute, take a piece of paper and try to evaluate on a rational, objective level whether your inner critic is right
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Imagine another person who needs to make a presentation.
Write down all the reasons why he will fail. Then list all the reasons why he will perform well. Remember, “He will say something stupid” is not an argument or proof. Try to put aside emotions and focus on objective factors, for example, “He did not look at the latest statistics and did not provide the latest data.” Among the positive evidence: “He made visual slides.” Analyzing the arguments on both sides (success - failure) will help you look at the situation more rationally
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You will see that you probably usually work through all the points thoroughly so as not to fail. Such an analysis will give a clear idea that the voice of the inner critic is very loud, but he says the wrong things
. Remind yourself of this often.
Replace negative thoughts with realistic statements
When you recognize that your negative thoughts are not entirely true, try replacing those statements with something more realistic and positive.
. Let's say you think, "I'll never get a promotion." In this case, a good replacement might be: “If I continue to invest in myself, after a while I will get a promotion.”
Please note that there is no need to develop unrealistically positive statements.
(“By the end of the week I will become a director of the corporation.”) Overconfidence can be almost as destructive as severe self-doubt. And unrealistic expectations hit motivation just as hard as excessive self-criticism.
Consider the worst outcome
Imagine if a mistake turns into a real disaster. It happens that even the worst-case scenario turns out to be not as bad
as we fear. For example, you are thinking about whether to send your resume to an interesting vacancy, but your inner critic already says in advance that nothing will work out, and it’s not worth trying.
What happens if you try and it doesn't work? If you're worried about being rejected for a job, ask yourself how much harm it will actually cause you? Rejection hurts, but it's not the end of the world. You can always apply for another job—perhaps an even better one.
Reminding yourself that you are capable of dealing with difficulties and finding a different solution to an issue increases your confidence. It can also reduce much of the fear and anxious thoughts that stand in your way. All this helps to calm the inner critic
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Ask yourself what advice you would give to a friend
It is often easier to show compassion to other people than to show compassion to yourself
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If you can call yourself an idiot for making a mistake, you're unlikely to say that to a friend or loved one. When you are going through a difficult time or doubt your ability to succeed, ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who has this problem?” Then tell yourself these kind words of wisdom
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Balance self-improvement and self-acceptance
There's a difference between telling yourself you're not good enough and reminding yourself that there's room for improvement
. Accept your shortcomings as they are now and resolve to work on them in the future.
To think differently, to stop reproaching yourself for the slightest shortcomings and doubting your every decision, you need training
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Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. The good news is that working on yourself will help drown out toxic self-criticism
. With practice, you will build more productive self-talk—one that is supportive, inspiring, and fuels your efforts to achieve your goals.
Well, if the voice of the inner critic is too strong and you cannot reduce it on your own, consult a psychologist.
