The problem of self-sacrifice in the name of true love arguments

Theses

Self-sacrifice does not always involve risking one's life
Love for the Motherland motivates a person to perform heroic deeds
A man is ready to sacrifice himself for the one he really loves.
To save a child, sometimes it is not a pity to sacrifice the most valuable thing a person has - his own life.
Only a moral person is capable of performing a heroic act
Willingness to self-sacrifice does not depend on income level or social status
Heroism is expressed not only in actions, but also in the ability to be true to one’s word even in the most difficult life situations
People are ready to sacrifice themselves even in the name of saving a stranger

Arguments

L.N. Tolstoy "War and Peace". Sometimes we do not suspect that this or that person can commit a heroic act. This is confirmed by an example from this work: Pierre Bezukhov, being a rich man, decides to stay in Moscow, besieged by the enemy, although he has every opportunity to leave. He is a real person who does not put his financial situation first. Without sparing himself, the hero saves a little girl from the fire, performing a heroic act. You can also turn to the image of Captain Tushin. At first he does not make a good impression on us: Tushin appears before the command without boots. But the battle proves that this man can be called a real hero: the battery under the command of Captain Tushin selflessly repels enemy attacks, without cover, sparing no effort. And it doesn’t matter at all what impression these people make on us when we first meet them.

I.A. Bunin "Lapti". In an impenetrable blizzard, Nefed went to Novoselki, located six miles from home. He was prompted to do this by the requests of a sick child to bring red bast shoes. The hero decided that “he needs to get it” because “the soul desires.” He wanted to buy bast shoes and paint them magenta. By nightfall Nefed had not returned, and in the morning the men brought his dead body. In his bosom they found a bottle of magenta and brand new bast shoes. Nefed was ready for self-sacrifice: knowing that he was putting himself in danger, he decided to act for the benefit of the child.

A.S. Pushkin "The Captain's Daughter". Love for Marya Mironova, the captain’s daughter, more than once prompted Pyotr Grinev to put his life in danger. He went to the Belogorsk fortress captured by Pugachev to snatch the girl from Shvabrin’s hands. Pyotr Grinev understood what he was getting into: at any moment he could be caught by Pugachev’s people, he could be killed by the enemies. But nothing stopped the hero; he was ready to save Marya Ivanovna even at the cost of his own life. The readiness for self-sacrifice also manifested itself when Grinev was under investigation. He did not talk about Marya Mironova, whose love led him to Pugachev. The hero did not want to make the girl involved in the investigation, although this would allow him to justify himself. Pyotr Grinev showed by his actions that he was ready to endure anything for the sake of the happiness of the person dear to him.

F.M. Dostoevsky "Crime and Punishment". The fact that Sonya Marmeladova went with the “yellow ticket” is also a kind of self-sacrifice. The girl decided to do this herself, consciously, in order to feed her family: her drunkard father, stepmother and her little children. No matter how dirty her “profession” is, Sonya Marmeladova is worthy of respect. Throughout the entire work she proved her spiritual beauty.

N.V. Gogol "Taras Bulba". If Andriy, the youngest son of Taras Bulba, turned out to be a traitor, then Ostap, the eldest son, proved himself to be a strong personality, a real warrior. He did not betray his father and homeland, he fought to the last. Ostap was executed in front of his father. But no matter how hard, painful and scary it was for him, he did not make a sound during the execution. Ostap is a real hero who gave his life for his homeland.

V. Rasputin “French Lessons”. Lydia Mikhailovna, an ordinary French teacher, was capable of self-sacrifice. When her student, the hero of the work, came to school beaten, and Tishkin said that he was playing for money, Lidia Mikhailovna was in no hurry to tell the director about it. She found out that the boy was playing because he did not have enough money for food. Lidia Mikhailovna began teaching the student French, which he was not good at, at home, and then offered to play “measures” with her for money. The teacher knew that this should not be done, but the desire to help the child was more important to her. When the director found out about everything, Lydia Mikhailovna was fired. Her seemingly wrong action turned out to be noble. The teacher sacrificed her reputation to help the boy.

N.D. Teleshov "Home". Semka, so eager to return to his native land, met an unfamiliar grandfather along the way. They walked together. On the way, the boy fell ill. The unknown person took him to the city, although he knew that he could not appear there: his grandfather had escaped from hard labor for the third time. Grandfather was caught in the city. He understood the danger, but the child's life was more important to him. The grandfather sacrificed his quiet life for the future of a stranger.

A. Platonov “Sandy Teacher”. From the village of Khoshutovo, located in the desert, Maria Naryshkina helped create a real green oasis. She devoted herself entirely to work. But the nomads passed - not a trace remained of the green spaces. Maria Nikiforovna went to the district with a report, where she was offered to transfer to work in Safuta in order to teach the nomads who were transitioning to sedentary life the culture of the sands. She agreed, which demonstrated her readiness for self-sacrifice. Maria Naryshkina decided to devote herself to a good cause, not thinking about her family or the future, but helping people in the difficult struggle against the sands.

M.A. Bulgakov "The Master and Margarita". For the sake of the Master, Margarita was ready to do anything. She decided to make a deal with the devil and was the queen at Satan’s ball. And all in order to see the Master. True love forced the heroine to make self-sacrifice, to go through all the tests prepared for her by fate.

A.T. Tvardovsky "Vasily Terkin". The main character of the work is a simple Russian guy who honestly and selflessly fulfills his soldier’s duty. His crossing of the river was a real heroic act. Vasily Terkin was not afraid of the cold: he knew that he needed to convey the lieutenant’s request. What the hero did seems impossible, incredible. This is a feat of a simple Russian soldier.

Source

Sacrifices in the name of love

When we are in a relationship , we almost always sacrifice something , that is, we compromise - but are these sacrifices in the name of love?

“I dedicated my whole life to you!..”, “I gave all of myself, and you!...”, “I spent all my youth on you,” “I am for you, and you.. how could you?!” and other loud phrases that partners throw at each other.

Mostly women. This, by the way, is also an interesting point. Let’s remember the article “Why men don’t appreciate a good attitude,” in which we discussed that everything we do for someone is purely voluntary and it is unreasonable to expect gratitude in return. If only because then it turns out that we are not doing all this disinterestedly, which means we are not such great people. And in general, no one asked us to do all this. By the way, haven’t you thought that all our “sacrifices” (many at least) to another person are not only unnecessary, but simply annoying? He just endures and is silent. And then it turns out that something else is needed from him in response.

It's a shame, right? We still wanted the best. Therefore, no sacrifices are needed and they do not lead to anything good. There are only difficult life situations that force us to make a choice. And if we agree to endure them and live in them, this is our voluntary choice. A sacrifice, but a conscious one. When going to this, you need to clearly understand that there may not be gratitude. Therefore, think about it in advance and weigh everything.

A girl who gave up everything for a guy, took care of him, gave him gifts, and he humiliated her and eventually kicked her out, why did she do this? If for his sake, then he didn’t seem to ask and it’s unreasonable. But it seems to me that it was more for my own sake - because that’s how I saw the relationship. This is the root of the problem - we cannot even imagine a relationship without sacrifices in the name of love.

Let's figure out why.

Love is a joyful, bright feeling that cannot cause suffering. By definition, we love voluntarily, this feeling causes an unprecedented rise of emotions in us and inspires us. Accordingly, even if in such a state we sacrifice something, we do not perceive it as such. And they should not perceive it.

But feelings are feelings, and life is life. And here we need to understand the most important thing: sacrifices in the name of love are possible and acceptable only in one case - if they are not a one-sided game! If they are not related to the neglect of a loved one, but to external circumstances. For example, your husband is in trouble and you quit your favorite but low-income job in order to bring in more money while he cannot. Or the wife is seriously ill, and the husband pulls double duty in order to survive, drags out the whole household and abandons his hobbies due to lack of time. One thing is important here - objective circumstances.

But if we give all of ourselves and suffer for the sake of a person with whom nothing happened, and who does not appreciate it, taking it for granted, then this is simple masochism. However, this phenomenon happens quite often.

Here are a few reasons why:

Romantic perception of love , formed on the basis of novels, songs, melodramatic films, in which heroes necessarily overcome obstacles in order to find happiness. We can leave such things far away in childhood, but, nevertheless, it has been recorded in our subconscious that for the sake of love we must suffer.
Rescue complex. Choose in advance a hopeless, absolutely unsuitable partner and, at the cost of incredible efforts, try to bring him to your parameters. Often hopeless. Women get involved with alcoholics, traitors, infantiles, and even prison inmates. And men drag around hysterics and other unstable individuals.
Be the best version of yourself . When a person tries to bring existing relationships under a certain ideal programmed in his head. To be a good housewife, who has everything “polished” and has new pickles every day, despite the fact that she also works and comes home not earlier, and sometimes later, than her husband. Moreover, her husband often does not demand anything like that from her.
Satisfy your own ego . A kind of reckless self-sacrifice for the sake of a loved one, just so that he feels good.

What happens in reality is that your partner simply doesn’t understand that it costs you any effort . He either doesn't notice all this, or takes it for granted, or thinks that you like it. The latter, by the way, is very true. If your actions are not a response to the request, then your partner quite logically concludes that you enjoy all this. So what is the “answer” ?

SPADILO.RU

essay on the Unified State Exam text

Introduction

Self-sacrifice is not for everyone. Only strong-willed people are able to put the well-being of other people first, sacrificing their own comfort, health, and life.

Self-sacrifice is the ability, no matter what, despite all obstacles and circumstances, to help those who need help, support, sympathy, love.

Problem

B.L. Vasiliev raises the issue of self-sacrifice by telling the story of Dr. Jansen, who spent his whole life caring about those around him, gaining respect and authority among the population, and living for the sake of people.

Thanks to his spirituality, the doctor was able to gain the favor of his patients so much that they ranked him almost among the ranks of saints.

A comment

The author recalls the hero of his story, a stooped, thin man who always seemed to him, a young boy, an old man. Every evening he walked around the Pokrovskaya Gorka site provided to him, leaning on an umbrella-cane.

The area given to his authority was an area of poverty. No one had money, including Dr. Jansen. A sense of duty, great patience and love for his work helped him, in any weather, on any day of the week, to go to the houses of patients and carefully examine their medical histories.

Humanity was one of the most important qualities of his personality. He was never rude to people, was in no hurry to leave, and did not refuse a conversation or carrot tea. He slowly and thoroughly explained how to care for the patient and what medications to take.

He was never in a hurry and was never late. If it was cold outside, before starting the examination, Jansen warmed his hands for a long time so as not to cause discomfort to the patient. His touch was always pleasant.

Thanks to the work responsibly performed, the doctor’s authority has reached extraordinary heights. The author claims that such authority arises spontaneously, against the backdrop of simple human gratitude. And this is not available to everyone, only to those who have the amazing gift of living for others, thinking about others, caring for others, forgetting about themselves.

Such people gain trust, are canonized, and are consulted on any life issue, be it the question of a daughter’s marriage or the sale of a house.

The doctor's life ended as it should have - he died saving children from a sewer pipe. Risking his life, without thinking about the consequences, he rushed to pull out two boys who had fallen into a sewer pit, as a result he suffocated himself, and saved them.

Author's position

The author admires Dr. Jansen, his way of life, his ability to live not for himself, but for the sake of others. He is convinced that there are very few such people left in the world, and those who meet them on their path in life will be lucky.

Your position

The author's position is clear and understandable to me. Indeed, it is rare to meet a person who lives for the well-being of others. Not for the sake of his family or friends, but for the sake of complete strangers. However, he does not require gratitude or anything else in return. Such self-sacrifice is worthy of respect and admiration.

Argument 1

I remember the image of Sonya Marmeladova from the novel “Crime and Punishment” by F.M. Dostoevsky. In order to save her family - a drunken father, a stepmother with consumption, and their children - from starvation, the girl decided to sell her body.

Not everyone could endure such humiliation and remain human, without reproaching or blaming others. I think such people simply have no choice - they will never be able to act differently, against their conscience.

Argument 2

Another literary hero, Danko from M. Gorky’s story “Old Woman Izergil”, to save the people from darkness and death, tore open his chest and took out his heart. He illuminated the path to salvation with his heart, and it burned like a torch. Having got out of the forest thicket, people forgot about their hero. And one of them, the most careful one, trampled his heart with his foot.

Conclusion

Sacrificing oneself for others is the destiny of the few. It is difficult to say whether they are right or wrong, but without such people life would be much more cruel and dangerous than it is now.

Source

Achilles

About Orthodox marriage, family and relationships between men and women - an interview Anna Skvortsova with Maria Terekhina, wife of priest Dmitry Terekhin .

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— How can a girl who wants to start an Orthodox family meet her future husband? Is it possible for her to marry an unbeliever?

— Life together should be based, first of all, on the common interests of the spouses, so choosing the other half, in my opinion, should be based on this. There can be a lot of hobbies, for example, a girl is breeding a rare breed of hamsters or learning a foreign language. Accordingly, acquaintance can occur at a language course or in a club for rodent lovers, in a theater or gym, in a museum or at a concert. Acquaintance, of course, can also take place in the temple. But the fact that a man is a believer is not a guarantee that the marriage will be happy. He may be a religious plumber who is interested in boxing, but a religious girl, a conservatory student learning to play the cello, is unlikely to be interested in him. Unfortunately, there are quite a lot of examples of such completely crazy marriages, and they are, as a rule, doomed to collapse. It is especially scary when young people marry “out of obedience” with the urgent blessing of an elder or priest from their parish according to the principle: “Oh! Match your height and get married!” There were also such families in my field of vision. They have long since broken up. It's sad that children also suffer there.

But is it enough just to have common interests? It seems to me - no. It is also extremely important to be able to talk to each other.

—Can we say that the life of Orthodox families differs for the better from the life of non-Orthodox families?

— Among the people around me - relatives, neighbors, friends and acquaintances - there is not a single family in which the spouses do not consider themselves Christians. In any case, they do not openly display a different religion or atheism. However, there is a sad tendency among such families: the more church-going the spouses are, the more unhappy their marriage is and the more unbearable their living together. Several very religious families I knew fell apart before my eyes. Many others' marriages are coming apart at the seams.

Such “Christian” families are in fact completely far from Christianity in essence. Orthodoxy in them is replaced by today's fashionable churchism, often imposed by people who work at churches, but know almost nothing about Christ and have not read the Gospel. Their spiritual experience boils down to an endless collection of superstitions and dubious rules, for failure to comply with which punishment from God is promised. In the marriages of those who have come under the influence of such people (and among the latter there are quite a few priests and so-called elders), Christian love and self-sacrifice are replaced by “patience,” self-torture, mutual insults and accusations of sins. I think that in such caricatured, exemplary church-going families, the lives of spouses and children cannot be anything good.

At the same time, I know of many years of strong marriages of people who were completely unbaptized or baptized in infancy, who were born in the USSR and who are not at all church members. If we look at the fruits of these unions, we will see children and grandchildren who are well-educated and successful in life. And also - the reverent attitude of husband and wife towards each other, which persists even in deep, already decrepit old age. Such marriages are, at their core, Christian.

— How should a Christian wife behave with a non-religious husband? How to avoid the breakdown of a marriage if one of the spouses joins the church, but the other does not?

“Here I remember the family of my friends, intellectuals - a teacher and a scientist. In the nineties of the last century, the wife began to become a church member: she attended services, communicated with local priests, worked with their children, regularly received communion, and read spiritual literature. As an educated person, from the very beginning she was not satisfied with a set of superstitious cliches that are found in every church, but entered catechetical courses, successfully completed them, and was able to introduce elective classes related to Orthodox culture into the secular school.

And her church membership, studies, and desire for knowledge and understanding of the essence of Christianity did not in any way interfere with her family life with her non-religious husband. She went to the temple in the morning, when he was still sleeping. I had time to come, cook breakfast and be with my husband all day. She went to the course with her friend, but it was somehow casual. She did not sit at home, immersed in the Psalter or the teachings of the elders. She was a positive, cheerful person, she sang very beautifully and played the guitar. She found time for regular prayer, reading, and studying literature, but did not take it away from her family. This woman was a wise person: from the beginning of her churching, her spiritual life was not built in opposition to her previous secular life.

Her husband was a serious scientist; he was skeptical about any phenomena new to him, including Christianity. You could talk with him for hours on a religious topic, and he always asked many questions, tried to understand and not blaspheme. He was a believer, but far from church life. At the same time, he treated the spiritual life of his wife with great respect: he did not allow himself to ridicule her about her observance of feasible fasts, did not tear icons from the walls, and did not interfere with prayer.

The marriage of my friends can be called a real Christian union, because the spouses lived their whole lives in perfect harmony, walked hand in hand, even when they were completely sick and infirm. They constantly flirted with each other, hugged, their relationship was full of love and tenderness. Here is an example of the behavior and churching of a Christian woman with a non-religious husband.

— If Christianity is not the common faith of the parents, is it possible to baptize a child secretly from a non-Christian parent?

- In such a case, many parents do not baptize the child at all. Any secret in a family is already a deception that will sooner or later be revealed. Moreover, relationships into which lies have crept are sometimes destroyed in a seemingly empty place.

As for “secret” baptism, after the sacrament is performed, the baptized child will have to live with parents (or one of the parents) who deny God. What then is the meaning of baptism? Is this some kind of magic that can raise a Christian from a baby, despite the fact that his parents have not yet met Christ or have renounced Him?

Not only fathers, but also mothers of children are opposed to baptism. Sometimes men ask to baptize babies secretly from the mother in absentia, without the presence of the baby itself. The most interesting thing is that there are priests who can baptize his little vest instead of a baby.

— What should an Orthodox mother do if her grown-up children stop going to church? Why does this happen?

“Children are well aware of the attitude of those around them, especially adults. The baby visits the temple with his parents, participates in the sacraments, and for him this is a necessity, a part of life. As the child grows up, he continues to attend services, but it is important for him to feel needed in church. And his need should not lie in wiping candlesticks or making a mushroom from natural material in Sunday school (for the rector for reporting), but in the fact that the little person should be loved by those around him. He must experience the joy of being among people in church, he must experience Christian love for himself, in order to then give it to others. Unfortunately, a child in church, as a rule, does not bring joy to parishioners for whom he “disturbs their prayers.” He is treated as a subhuman, small, stupid. Only a boy in a surplice holding a candle evokes joy and tenderness among adults. These adults, as a rule, do not care deeply about the inner world of the little angelic altar boy, whom his parents brought to the service to collect admiring glances and sighs from those around him. By adolescence, the “angels” become tired of this falsehood; they do not see life within the walls of the temple, where they are taken to show off to please the eyes of believers or simply to “defend” the service out of habit and for obedience. Teenagers withdraw into themselves and often become nihilists. An Orthodox mother who loves her child should not insist on him attending services, following rules, observing fasts, etc. This can forever turn a young person away from everything connected with God. On the contrary, she must do everything so that the teenager’s heightened sense of perception captures only love and understanding. After all, God is love, and the child needs to be helped to stay with Him outside the temple.

It should be noted that not all children leave the temple. But sometimes those who stay do not do so out of faith in God. And not even out of religious, ritual habit. We can especially see this in the example of children from priestly families. Initially, vanity is kindled in such children by the church environment. How can you not be touched by your father’s son or daughter? A child who is not yet anything outstanding is placed in a higher position compared to other children in the parish, only because he is from the family of a priest, a deacon, a singer... Children who receive praise, gifts, special attention from a huge number of adults, at first acquire pride, bordering on stupidity, and self-confidence. And as they grow up, they become cynics who, at first, by being in the church see an easy way to acquire material wealth only by belonging to the priestly “clan,” and later, for such outrageously “beloved” offspring, the main goal becomes power over people... Such personnel fill the ranks various church careerists, false elders, manipulators, players with human destinies and souls.

Terekhin family

— How should an Orthodox wife live with a despotic husband?

— Despotism does not appear “suddenly.” It cannot be that a woman married a white fluffy cat, and after the wedding he became an angry bull who does not allow either her or the children to live in peace. Such severe character traits cannot but manifest themselves in a person since childhood. Thus, the woman knew what to expect from her future husband, and made her choice herself. As a rule, infantile, weak-willed girls who need a master marry despots.

When life becomes unbearable, a conversation with the husband and an explanation that his demands cannot be met for one reason or another should be enough. If the husband is adequate, he will listen and understand. If he continues to abuse his household, then this behavior calls into question his mental health. And if a wife humbly endures her husband’s humiliation not only of herself, but also of her children, then this is not martyrdom, but simply masochism, which is also a mental deviation, but in no way Christian humility.

— If a Christian wife understands that her marriage was a mistake, her husband is a complete stranger to her, is it possible for this reason to file for divorce?

“I know about marriages in which Orthodox spouses, from the very registration in the registry office or from the first day of the wedding, rely on the idea that there is no turning back, that now they will have to live in humility and patience. Initially, both spouses are determined that family life is martyrdom. Such marriages, as a rule, involve spouses who have been churchgoers since infancy and are determined by their parents, priests and environment that marriage or monasticism is a necessary condition for salvation. That starting a family is a kind of forced step that must be taken by a Christian who is incapable of a “higher” monastic feat. And this step must necessarily be taken within the framework of church tradition and high church requirements, about which, to be honest, few can say anything intelligible. Thus, there is no question at all that a marriage can be a success or a mistake. Marriage within this situation is initially a struggle for survival, as well as suffering, patience and constantly telling yourself that there is no way back.

Such marriages are associated with hopeless darkness. The initial attempt to meet the high requirements of the ancient canons and find a life partner who would be canonically “pure” leads to the elimination of a large number of adequate brides and grooms. And a couple is selected that is not adapted to life. A couple who has no idea about a real marriage, because they are often made up of children from single-parent families who have not seen the real relationship between husband and wife. Such young people are trying to bring their fairy-tale ideas about marriage, gleaned from ancient spiritual literature or from the stories of pious believers, to life. But a fairy tale, as a rule, does not become reality. And despite the “no turning back” approach, such marriages invariably fail. Wives remain single mothers, and husbands, abandoning their children, continue their “spiritual quest.” There are also those who become “celibate” priests and later “spiritually” guide young families of believers, unconsciously leading them along their path and destroying marriages.

There are unhappy wives of former church-going children, whose “spiritual boat” was shattered into pieces by everyday life. Unfortunately, their consciousness is so inflexible that answers to numerous questions about family life, attempts to acquaint them with the completely different opinions of the holy fathers on the relationship between husband and wife are practically not perceived. And this is very sad. People are trying to save their family in any way, despite the fact that both the canons of the church and the modern social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church give them a whole list of reasons for recognizing a marriage as non-existent from a church point of view, which allows them to legally resolve the issue in the registry office without a twinge of conscience. They try to live together, but they don’t want to change and look for commonality. Ultimately, it often comes to a complete crisis. For example, the health of a wife ends, who loses a child thoughtlessly conceived during illness and forever loses the further opportunity to have children. Or the husband, “working in the spiritual field,” begins to brutally, in front of his children, beat or even rape his wife, later explaining this as an attack by demons who are taking revenge on him for the souls he has prayed for. I heard about all these horrors first-hand. And in many situations, divorce would be a relief from suffering for both spouses. But this torment is perceived by deceived or, better said, Christians deceiving themselves, as part of God’s economy, making them and their children hostage to the idea of “no turning back” for many years.

And here even family life lasting several months, now so widespread among unbelieving youth and based solely on sexual attraction, which sometimes quickly passes, looks more advantageous against this background, even from a spiritual point of view. Because in these fast-moving marriages there is at least some period of relative happiness of the cohabitants. Even if this is purely carnal love, it is still some semblance of love, its highly distorted reflection. But in relationships labeled “martyrdom without a return path,” there is nothing divine at all, except for the use of a consciously or unconsciously mortified Christian entourage.

— When it seems that your husband doesn’t love you, how can you make him more attentive and caring? Or is it a sin to desire love for yourself, you just need to give love to another?

- If a husband has noticeably cooled towards his wife, this can lead to the rapid destruction of the marriage. You need to think about what actions, actions (or inactions) could provoke changes in the husband’s relationship with his wife. Many women begin to immerse themselves in church life, regardless of their husband: they begin to “disappear” at services, wear shapeless, ugly clothes, and stop taking care of their appearance. Neatness in clothing and hairstyle begins to be equated with excessive decoration of one's body. And also endless fasts, when the wife prepares soup from water and cabbage for her husband and denies him marital intimacy. Moreover, the last issue is resolved by women with the assistance of “spiritual fathers” in such a way that they perceive their own sexuality, their own healthy feminine manifestations as a kind of sinfulness, shamefulness and even demonic possession. Through constant self-flagellation with the support of a “spiritual leader,” such wives plunge into neurosis and gradually lead themselves to psychosexual disorders. A man is depicted by them as a certain creature who cannot help but satisfy lust, and they themselves become passion-bearers who are forced to “carry their cross”, fulfilling their “marital duty.” There is a complete substitution of concepts: the mutual joy of intimacy, given to spouses by God, is declared evil, the source of which is supposedly the devil.

The husbands of such wives first find women “on the side” and then leave the family altogether. To prevent this from happening, the wife must know and understand what her husband wants, listen to his comments, praises, all sorts of manifestations of dissatisfaction, or, on the contrary, preserve and increase everything that he likes. But not only that! She should turn to herself, to her desires, as often as possible. Adequately assess your physiological and emotional state and compare it with your husband’s state. Try not to miss moments of disagreement with your husband on certain issues. And if any tension is brewing, if dissatisfaction arises in certain matters, try to calmly discuss this with your husband as early as possible. The fear of talking about your needs, desires, dreams leads to the fact that all this simply disappears from a woman’s life, she becomes empty.

It’s good when a wife or husband knows how to love sacrificially. But they must sacrifice to their loved one from their own fullness, from physical and spiritual excess, seeing the need of a life partner. The state of sacrificial love is not the state of a victim who is devastated and trampled. Moreover, a woman can trample herself either herself, or provoke her husband to do it, or she can weakly surrender to it. It seems to me that real Christianity does not call for martyrdom in marriage and family. The prosperous existence of the latter is impossible without the mutual love of the spouses, their love for children and children for parents. The desire for self-love is not a sin, but a norm. And not wanting to be loved is a mental illness.

—Can a Christian wife not want children and use birth control?

— There can be a lot of reasons why a woman does not want to have children. It doesn't always come down to selfishness. Each individual case must be considered. If there are many children in a family, and the mother’s health is severely undermined by pregnancy, childbirth and the subsequent heavy loads of caring for babies, then what kind of selfishness can we talk about? It happens that a woman is actually alone in raising and caring for children, of which there are two or more, and her husband works a lot or simply spends time outside the home, but wants to be a father of many children. I don’t think that the wife’s desire not to have more children in such a case is sinful. Here the husband already becomes selfish.

But there are also opposite situations. The husband, realizing that for some reason, for example, poor health or loss of work, will not be able to financially provide for the family if a fourth or fifth child is born, insists on preventing conception during intimacy blessed by God also as a consolation for spouses. But the wife categorically does not agree to this, since, due to contraception, her childhood dream of eight children will not come true, or she will not be able to fulfill the desire of the elder monk, who has no experience of family life at all, but has blessed her to give birth to at least ten children. In such situations, women are capable of deception. For example, they stop taking pills secretly from their husbands, or deliberately spoil other non-abortive contraceptives and become pregnant, contrary to the request of their spouse. This monstrous deception can lead to tragedy. And it does nothing to strengthen the family. Moreover, there may be direct or indirect participation of the confessor, who, in general, has no right to interfere in delicate marital relations, much less to calculate the correct number of children in someone else’s family.

— If there is no harmony in intimate relationships, can Orthodox people seek help from psychologists, sexologists, and other specialists in this field?

— First of all, you need to understand that married life concerns only the spouses, and not those around them, including the confessor. Spouses themselves must decide what the intimate side of their life should be. Problems in married life may lie in some acquired fears or neuroses that accompany a person after strong emotional upheavals, perhaps even from childhood. If spouses cannot figure out, identify or solve a psychological problem on their own, then a good doctor can help them.

Convincing yourself and your spouse that sex is not the main thing, but on the contrary, something nasty and shameful, can lead to serious mental disorders. We must remember that the Apostle Paul said that marriage is honorable and the marital bed undefiled (Heb. 13:4). This is what the prayers say at the rite of the sacrament of marriage. At the same time, in basic Christian sources, including the Gospel, married life is not regulated. All the later attempts of theologians, even if some of them were glorified as saints, to get into the marital bed, in my opinion, are doubtful. Fortunately, we find a variety of opinions and interpretations in the Holy Tradition regarding issues of marital intimacy. Therefore, one can object to even the most notorious spouses who are trying to pass off their own negative attitude towards sex as the teaching of the Church, for example, relying on the teachings of St. John Chrysostom.

As for the discussions about the sex of spouses that come from the lips of monastics, this is generally beyond understanding. Why, having voluntarily accepted an angelic incorporeal likeness, in thoughts and words endlessly return to the spiritual-soul-carnal relations of people who are more mundane? There seems to be some kind of ill health in this. Therefore, I believe that only a priest who has or has had positive experience in family life can be a spiritual mentor for a married couple. In this sense, the model for me is the righteous Alexy Mechev, a Moscow elder of the 20th century.

— What, in your opinion, is the most common illusion that prevents people from looking at marriage soberly?

- All people have their shortcomings. Some of them are “cured”, but many are not. When young people decide to get married, they often turn a blind eye to each other’s shortcomings, hoping that family life will change the future husband or wife, and the shortcomings will “evaporate on their own.” But, unfortunately, they are wrong. There are such strong unpleasant character traits and habits that accompany a person throughout his life. It’s good if spouses help each other overcome these vices. But often these “untreated” or “incurable” deficiencies, as well as intolerance towards them on the part of one of the spouses, become the reason for the destruction of the marriage.

In a true Christian marriage, spouses also perceive each other’s shortcomings as their own. In this sense, they have compassion for each other. The Apostle Paul encourages Christians: “Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). But if you love your spouse, how do you bear the burden of his shortcomings: by silently condemning him or by persistently trying to correct him? In my opinion, the second is more correct: learn from each other what each of us does not do as well as the other. And resentment in these cases is a forbidden technique. Of course, one does not always manage to make a remark with restraint, while the other suppresses indignation, feelings of insult and even tears. But through reflection and dialogue, everything can be resolved. Moreover, you can always remember the original agreement not to remain silent and not to accumulate dissatisfaction with each other. And many things can actually be overcome with this approach.

All photos from the Terekhin family archive

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