How to increase self-esteem: effective methods and tips

What is low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem is a lack of self-confidence, lack of faith in one’s own strengths, and one’s own success. A person with low self-esteem takes criticism very painfully, gets upset over the smallest reasons, experiences a lot of fears, and is afraid to live the way he wants. Initially, a person’s self-esteem consists of his own thoughts about himself. But the fact is that we all live in society, we are inevitably influenced by family, friends, school, university, work, etc. After all, every day and everywhere we are evaluated by others. Therefore, their opinion cannot but leave a certain imprint on our self-esteem. That is why from childhood it is necessary to be very attentive to your feelings and emotions. Of course, this should first and foremost be the concern of parents. After all, low self-esteem often has deep roots in childhood.

Mantra to restore self-esteem:

• Pretending and being who they want me to be is a road to nowhere.

• I am worthy of respect - no matter what others think.

• I can relax and enjoy what I have.

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Psychological violence, recovery from abusers and narcissists, breaking up with an abuser, changing abusive behavior, self-esteem, the “no longer a victim” program, relationships, loss of meaning, nice (comfortable) person syndrome, age-related crises, existential problems, loneliness, relationships “adult children” – parents,” and more...

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• I don't rely on the opinions of others to make sure I'm good enough.

• I will stop telling myself, “I’m no good” or “I’ll be worth something when I get a job (lose weight, get married, make a lot of money, etc.).” My self-esteem does not depend on my success.

• I don't compare myself to others. I am just as worthy of love and happiness as everyone else.

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This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment

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The main reasons for low self-esteem

Parental Settings

In every person's life, parents are the first people he encounters. Therefore, of course, the child is entirely dependent on them. They are an example, an authority for him, their opinion is very valuable and important for him. Therefore, when parents often scold their child and begin to compare him with their neighbor’s child, seasoning their intonation with notes of reproach, the little person begins to feel guilty that he is somehow different. It’s even worse when parents promise to stop loving their child or give him to someone else’s uncle if he doesn’t start behaving the way they want. According to psychologists, most human character traits are formed in the family. Therefore, your parents are also responsible for your self-esteem.

Failures and defeats

Each of us at some point takes the path of some kind of competition, be it a school competition or a 100-meter race. In such competitions there is always a winner and a loser. Therefore, it is important that the one who lost adequately assesses the situation and does not take it too seriously. Losing is not a reason not to be proud of yourself. It’s better to praise yourself for having the courage to try your hand.

Problems in society

Often low self-esteem is born due to problems with the environment. Especially if this happens in tender childhood or fragile adolescence. If a person is teased, insulted or collectively bullied, this will inevitably undermine his self-esteem. Unfortunately, not everyone is able to cope with this problem on their own.

Appearance Features

Overweight, very tall, extremely thin, etc. – any external characteristics of a person can cause complexes in him. This is especially acute in childhood, when a child can be teased and offended because of this. After all, children are often straightforward, cruel and do not understand how much damage they can cause with every word on the child’s fragile psyche.

When self-esteem goes to waste

High self-esteem is not at all the same as healthy self-esteem, psychologists are convinced. Michael Kernis, a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia, discovered an interesting pattern in his research: the behavior of people with unstable and superficial high self-esteem is practically no different from the behavior of people with low self-esteem.

“Previously it was believed that the higher a person evaluates himself, the better. However, in recent years, this theory is bursting at all seams, especially when it comes to aggressive behavior, says Professor Kernis. “People with high self-esteem sometimes become unbearable if someone threatens their ego.”

The researcher claims that they compensate for their suspiciousness with an obsessive tendency to defend and zealously defend “their honor” for any reason, which, in general, no one has encroached on. As a rule, they exaggerate the degree of potential threat, so they have to make a lot of effort to maintain their self-esteem.

“There is nothing seditious in the fact that people want to think well of themselves,” the scientist sums up. “But when this becomes obsessive, a person becomes too sensitive to the criticism of others and is forced to constantly prove his worth. This behavior takes away all the psychological benefits.”

What affects low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem affects absolutely a person’s entire life. She distorts his love relationships, makes his career successes insignificant, makes communication difficult... A person does not live a bright life because he is afraid. He does not breathe deeply because he does not have enough air. It is easier for him to criticize and hate himself than to praise, accept, and love himself. It was constantly put into our heads that loving ourselves is a sin, that we cannot think about ourselves and our interests, because collective needs are much more important. This is especially reflected in people from the Soviet Union and, as a result, affects the entire population of the post-Soviet space. However, only now people are beginning to understand that problems with self-esteem affect not only themselves, but also their children, spouses, and families. After all, if a person does not respect, value, or love himself, then those around him, even his family, will treat you the same way. You only want to feel sorry for such a person, nothing more.

What does self-esteem consist of?

From a psychological point of view, self-esteem consists of a person’s ideas about his strengths, weaknesses and qualities. But it’s difficult to perceive yourself objectively. Pessimism, excessive self-criticism, idealism and other factors that, unfortunately, are inherent in each of us interfere. The lives of many famous people are proof of this.

• The famous rock singer and actor David Bowie said about the first half of his career: “I had terrible self-esteem problems, which I tried to hide behind manic songwriting and performing.”
• Legendary inventor Thomas Edison was a sick child who was openly considered stupid by his teachers. He had to study at home. Needless to say, it was a serious problem for him to figure out how to believe in himself and increase self-esteem.
• One of the leaders of The Beatles, John Lennon , despite the public image of a musician without fear or reproach, was not particularly confident in himself. This was partly due to the fact that as a child he failed every exam and test he could possibly fail.
• Iconic singer and actress Marilyn Monroe suffered from serious self-esteem problems throughout most of her life, which led to anxiety and depression.

Self-esteem is not at all connected with our real talents and achievements.

Margie Worrell, author of the psychological bestseller “Find Your Courage”: - Self-confidence is not a fixed characteristic, but a consequence of our thoughts and actions, no more and no less. It is not based on your ability to succeed at something, but on your belief in that ability.

Psychologist Carl Rogers believes that self-esteem is formed depending on your interaction with the world and on the assessments that others give you. So, the main reasons for low self-esteem are as follows:

1. The habit of comparing yourself with others;
2. Non-recognition of one's own individuality;
3. Excessive criticism from others;
4. Negative life experience, fear of repeating a mistake;
5. Problems with appearance, fear of ridicule.

Psychologist Marilyn Sorensen has developed a test that helps you understand your self-esteem. If you lack self-confidence, take it. Draw the right conclusions that will help you increase your level of self-esteem.

To make it easier to understand whether your self-esteem is low or high, consider the signs of both:

Learning to play the piano like Richter or dance like Plisetskaya is much more difficult than changing your view of your own abilities. This is what we will do, analyzing different approaches on how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence.

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How to increase self-esteem?

So, as you already understand, low self-esteem is an indicator of your dislike for yourself. But self-love is extremely important. It is she who determines the vector of your development or degradation, determines the level of your ambitions, desires, and needs. Self-love is the foundation of your psychological health. And now I’m not talking about constantly indulging your whims or indulging yourself in sweets in the middle of the night. It's about deciding to be happy. A person with healthy self-esteem does not allow himself to suffer. He does not get depressed and does not feel sorry for himself, he knows what he wants from life and has no doubt that he deserves the best.

Low self-esteem: how to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence

Causes of low self-esteem

Let's look at the main reasons for low self-esteem in humans.

Family education

In childhood, the basis for the basic parameters of a person’s personality is laid. And on what family he grew up in, where and by whom he was raised, and most importantly, HOW it happened. It depends in the future how a person will evaluate himself in the adult world.

If a child grew up in a family of alcoholics, was constantly half-starved and was used to taking care of himself. This doesn't mean he will grow up bad. As a rule, the opposite happens.

But if the child was oppressed, beaten, punished, humiliated. Then they could break his will and he would definitely grow up with low self-esteem.

Another mistake is to believe that if a child grew up in a dysfunctional family, then he will be of no use. Don't tell me. On the contrary, I came across more weak-willed calves from prosperous families.

Failures in childhood

Yes, this is important. If in childhood, youth, no matter what you did, you were constantly scolded, laughed at and humiliated. Nothing good will happen here. A HUGE inferiority complex has formed. And with it comes low self-esteem - no matter what I do, everything turns out badly. Everything is a diagnosis.

Here, advice from a psychologist, and most likely even treatment, will most likely help. Not in a psychiatric hospital, of course, but such normal psychiatry.

Bad influence

Who did we not get involved with in our youth? And with bad company and bad people. And of course they taught us bad things.

But this does not mean that they taught or influenced. Not at all. Not for me, although there were some big hooligans in the company.

But if a child grew up in a downtrodden family, with a weak or broken will, then he could well have adopted all the bad things and nothing good.

Usually these make “sixes” - run, fetch, serve. They are always humiliated. And as a result, self-esteem falls below the plinth. What can they do in life with such a character? NOTHING.

Test: Does my husband love me?

Find out if your husband loves you with this test. If not, and you fight every day, he doesn’t respect or appreciate you, then maybe it’s better to get a divorce and not suffer? Time is Up!

Lack of clear goals in life

The person does not strive for anything. Lives and lives. It works, it doesn't work. He sits on his wife’s neck, or cannot stay anywhere for long.

The person seems to be satisfied with everything. This is his niche. He doesn’t even think about somehow improving his life, achieving something, becoming someone.

Such a slug, just burning through life. He was a nobody and will die a nobody. Sorry sight.

Negative environment and social circle

Even in adulthood, one’s social circle influences a person. If you find yourself in a company of people who drink, you get involved - you become an alcoholic and die under the fence.

I found myself in a team of people who were always dissatisfied with everything and became the same. It's always someone else's fault. Whatever happens to you, it’s someone else’s fault.

Everyone around is slackers. I came to work, did my allotted time, played balls on the computer, and went home. And so every day. The salary is paid, everything is fine. You don’t even think about any improvement or climbing the career ladder.

There is responsibility, demand, they can even fire you. Why do you need this? Sit warm, chase fools on the computer, good, comfortable. Why change anything?

Communication test. Find out if you know how to get along with people.

Defects of body, appearance, health

There are people with defects that make them very complex. Therefore, they think that people like them are not needed anywhere.

But this is a misconception. If we wash off all the cosmetics from our screen and stage “stars” and ban the use of plastic surgery. Then you can detect a sufficient number of freaks by appearance. The rest are simply not beautiful. And only a small part are truly normal people.

And now tell me that it is impossible to become a star with an ordinary or even defective appearance.

Example:
Look at Dmitry Nagiyev. Handsome? Half of his face is twisted and does not move. There is a defect in appearance in the literal sense of the word. But does he have a complex? A wonderful artist turned his disadvantage into an advantage. No wonder he is so popular. And women are simply delighted with him.

How to stop being afraid of everything, increase your self-esteem and gain self-confidence

Look at the example of Dima Nagiyev, on the same stage.
Are you any worse? “It’s not the Gods who burn the pots.” And don't be upset if you realize that you underestimate yourself. In extreme cases, what do you have to lose? Well, it won’t work out, so what? If you have a desire and a goal, everything can be conquered. You have more than one attempt. Even athletes in competitions have 3 attempts to achieve a result. And you have an unlimited number of them.

You can raise your self-esteem. It's not like growing an arm, after all. Everything is possible if desired.

How to get rid of complexes and become confident in yourself

It’s more difficult with existing complexes. They usually start from childhood and adolescence. The girl refused and even laughed at me. The guy has a complex for life.

I made a shelf, it broke, my wife called me an armless idiot. That's it, it's a complex. Damn, we all have complexes for that matter. There are no perfect people.

I hope my 10 recommendations on how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence will help you. At least they are tried and tested in real life situations. They helped more than one person to whom I recommended them.

Don’t accumulate grievances and complaints

Radical forgiveness will help raise self-esteem. Forgive yourself first for anything that makes you feel bad. And then start letting go of grievances and complaints towards everyone else: family, friends, colleagues. So-called grievance letters are very effective in this regard. Just sit down, take a pen, a piece of paper and write down everything that you want to express to a specific person. Don’t choose words, write the way you want and feel. After this, the letter must be burned and the ashes scattered to the wind. It is advisable to perform this technique for at least 40 days in a row. After all, it takes time to get rid of the deposits of negativity that are stored in the depths of your soul.

Get out of your comfort zone

Stop leading a monotonous lifestyle. Challenge yourself! It is the exit from the comfort zone that gives a person determination, self-confidence, and reveals his hidden potential. If you want development, then you need to try something new and not be afraid to take the first step. We all face difficulties. However, each of us perceives them differently. Some people give in to them, while others try to overcome them. See all obstacles in your life as opportunities for further growth, not limitations.

How to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence - 10 proven working methods

And so let's begin to increase our self-esteem and gain confidence. Here are some of my recommendations that I am sure will definitely help you.

Change of environment

If your environment is slowing down your development and lowering your self-esteem, get rid of it. Change your job, break ties with familiar and unnecessary “friends”.

Start everything from scratch. BUT, differently, not like in the previous place.

If the new team is not very different from the previous one, which often happens, then YOU will change your behavior.

I will show you how to do this below.

Making a plan and setting clear goals

It's time to plan your life. Set long and short term goals. Make a general plan. A table like this:

Rely only on yourself, become independent

Don't blame anyone if something doesn't work out for you. Don't rely on anyone, only on yourself. Do everything yourself. Make mistakes - they lead to perfection. Only those who do nothing make no mistakes.

Improve yourself - get out of your comfort zone

To achieve your goals, you need to improve. You can't achieve your goals by sitting on your ass.

You don’t like your salary, it’s small, you want more. What did you do for this? You can't get promoted just like that. And the very convincing tales about “you can’t get through there, they only take their own people” are an excuse.

• Complete advanced training courses.
• Take self-study.
• Learn another profession.
• Get higher education via correspondence.

Do something.

Stop criticizing yourself

Some people tend to scold themselves. At the same time, they think that if they do not blame others for problems, but only themselves, then they are doing the right thing.

No! Wrong. There is no need to criticize or blame anyone. If you can't do something, it doesn't mean you're stupid. It’s just that sometimes even a master doesn’t succeed the first time.

Try, learn, get better and try again. Then you will definitely succeed.

Start building your image

Image is everything - the opinion of others is nothing. Why do I say this? Yes, because the opinion of others is envy. Is it worth paying attention to this then?

You are greeted by your clothes and escorted by your intelligence. Old Russian proverb.

You must have your own style, your own image, your own recognizable style in your work. You should be recognized by your actions, not by your glamorous rags, pouting lips and boobs.

Create yourself like no one else. Hold the suit. If you've been assigned a job, do it like no one else has done before.

Behave independently, proudly, and respectfully towards everyone. Everyone should know and understand how to behave with you.

Clothes, makeup, figure, smell, hairstyle - everything should be impeccable.

Present yourself in such a way that no one can refuse you. BUT, a lot needs to be done for this. I will write a separate article on this matter.

Books on how to love yourself and increase self-esteem

Read. Not romance novels, but useful literature. Learn from other people's mistakes and other people's experiences. Choose the one that suits you best. Try it on. Try it. Don't be afraid to experiment.

Example: I recommend the book “Bricks”. It's about how a simple person with low self-esteem created himself brick by brick. Just on topic: how to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence

Just what you need. A bestseller that has received several awards. Audiobook “Bricks” and “Bricks 2.0”. Highly recommend.

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Change your attitude towards failure

Failures teach and strengthen. Therefore, you should not be afraid of them. This is your experience. Your movement forward. If before every failure unsettled you. Now consider each of them as a step forward towards success.

If you made a mistake, you made a mistake, you gained experience, which means you won’t do it again. Plus an incentive to look for other ways.

“Everything that is not done is for the better”

There is another parable: “It won’t always be like this.” It will also be useful for you by the way.

Test: Are you a strong person?

Have you ever wondered if you are a strong person? This is not physical strength, which can be developed through exercise, sports, but internal, spiritual. It seems that this quiz is configured incorrectly

Surround yourself with positive people

Avoid the company of people who are constantly unhappy with something. Believe me, they will not help you improve your self-esteem. Limit contacts with pessimistic, insecure individuals who are always complaining and making claims. It is better to surround yourself with those who always try to see the good in everything. And make it your habit yourself. After all, by sowing the seeds of goodness and positivity, you will reap a good harvest of positive emotions and events.