“Only for five!” What is excellent student syndrome and why is it dangerous?

Successful businesswoman, coach, loving wife and mother Julia Base told us why perfectionism is dangerous and what simple steps will help you get rid of it.

Julia Bays

Businesswoman, coach

The desire to always be first in everything, to do everything better than others, paradoxically, often leads us to failure. The fear of not reaching the high bar that has been set makes people give up and abandon any endeavors at the start. And the most unpleasant thing is that perfectionism prevents you from truly enjoying life, since the result of any actions will never be as good as the invented ideal.

Content:

• What is excellent student syndrome? Characteristic
• Main features

What is excellent student syndrome?

Characteristic

The excellent student syndrome (or complex) is a psychological term. It refers to the psychological characteristics of a person, in which a person strives to achieve high results and earn the praise of others. That is, to do everything perfectly. A child expects such an assessment from parents and teachers, an adult - from loved ones and superiors.

If there is a risk of getting a different grade, the “A” student refuses to do the work out of fear of failure and defeat.

Excellent student syndrome should not be confused with perfectionism. For perfectionists, the ideal result of work is important, for “excellent” students, the assessment of this result by other people is important. Moreover, the work itself may not be completed perfectly. The main thing is to create the appearance of “ideality” for others.

Each of us, looking back, can note that we have made a huge number of different kinds of stupidity and mistakes. But they all had two reasons in common - our unbreakable will to win and our unshakable self-confidence. The A student syndrome made us believe that it was very important to cultivate these two qualities in ourselves. And even when failures haunt us, we stubbornly believe that the reason is that we lack faith in ourselves. It takes many of us decades of failure to realize that failure is not based on a lack of self-confidence, but on... too much of it,

– Natalia Mishchenko,

former “excellent” student, writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality.

Main features

The following manifestations are characteristic of excellent student syndrome:

• constant expectation of praise and approval from others;
• the desire to bring work to an ideal state;
• painful attitude towards criticism;
• fear of failure when doing any task, especially in which there is no experience;
• hyper-responsibility;
• jealousy of others' successes.

What is excellent student syndrome in adults

Here we will talk about specific already formed conditions that interfere with adult life. Excellent student syndrome is indeed most often found in women, but some men are also prone to similar conditions. As a rule, the causes of the occurrence and development of this “disease” do not depend on gender. The syndrome appears in the area of ​​an elementary school. Parents are usually, on the contrary, happy that they are raising a conscientious and responsible child. The kid is trying to get straight A's in his grades - isn't this happiness?

The bad thing is that excessive craving for great achievements and excellent results is carried over into adulthood. Some people live by the same principles only at work, because this is a logical continuation of their apprenticeship, while others want to extend this way of existence to all areas of life. People make incorrect logical connections. The wife thinks her husband only loves her when she cooks the perfect dinner. An employee of a large company decides that her boss treats her kindly only because she never misses deadlines. These people are satisfied only with the ideal scenario of events and nothing else.

This syndrome forces you to spend a lot of effort and energy to achieve success in areas where it is not particularly needed. This causes difficulties in relationships with family, colleagues and friends.

A person spends all his free time on maintaining his image and achieving results, but not all goals are amenable to him. Therefore, there is a fear of taking on new things and projects or learning new things. A person simply cannot withstand the first stage of training, where he is not yet able to do everything perfectly. And if there are no ideal indicators, then there is no point in what was done.

In fact, the excellent student syndrome has its advantages. Initially, the basis is the desire to do your job as well as possible. This implies responsibility, meticulousness, scrupulousness in doing things, meeting deadlines for completing assignments and many other useful characteristics. Therefore, it is usually not recommended to completely get rid of the syndrome, but rather to take control of it.

Causes of the syndrome

Excellent student syndrome develops in preschool childhood, and its first manifestations are noticeable already at school age.

There are 2 groups of reasons that provoke the development of this syndrome:

Parent errors:

Unfulfilled Expectations

“Since childhood, I dreamed of becoming a ballerina. But parents could not afford to pay for classes. Therefore, the dream remained a dream. But now I can send my daughter to ballet school. Let him study, reach heights and make my dream come true.”

Vanity

“My son should be better than other children. He must get straight A's and be the pride of the school. After all, in our family we are all academics and professors. The son should not be different from us.”

Ambition

“I want to be proud of my child in front of my friends and relatives. That’s why it’s so important for me that he pleases me with excellent grades and sporting achievements. Let everyone know what a wonderful mother I am.”

Excellent student syndrome in mom or dad

“I’m used to doing everything perfectly: from drawing up quarterly reports to cleaning the room. I want my child to be the same. I learned how to complete any task without a hitch. I will strive for this, even if I have to go into conflict with him.”

Stop overly controlling and limiting your child, while continuing to ensure his complete safety and harmonious development. Always know where he is at the moment and where he has been during the day, instantly contact if necessary and listen to what is happening around him using the “Where are my children” application.

Personality Features

“As a child, I was a timid, insecure boy. He remained that way throughout his adult life. I always think that I’m doing something wrong, I constantly double-check the work I’ve done, bringing it to perfection. I find it very unpleasant when comments are made, even if they are fair. I immediately want to cry and run away somewhere.”

Strengths and weaknesses of "excellent students"

Excellent student syndrome can either help or hinder a person’s full life.

Let's first talk about the advantages of striving to “do everything perfectly”:

Responsible attitude

“Excellent students” rarely miss deadlines, take sick days, or are late for work. For them, it is a priority to take any activity seriously.

Pedantry and thoroughness

Those who will not miss the slightest mistake are people with excellent student syndrome. You can trust them with any painstaking work.

Good reputation

You can always rely on an “excellent student” and be sure that he will not let you down.

Determination

“Only forward, only to victory!” - this is the motto of “excellent students” and “excellent students.” But only on condition that they have enough knowledge, skills and abilities to do so. Otherwise, people develop a fear of failure and refuse to complete the task.

The weaknesses of people with excellent student syndrome include:

Painful attitude towards criticism

When an “excellent student” is reprimanded, it’s as if his world is collapsing. He doesn’t even listen to them, but immediately begins to engage in mental self-deprecation: “I knew that I would do everything badly! Now everyone will think how worthless and inept I am!”

Low self-esteem

Also, such people tend to belittle their own successes and think about themselves in a negative way.

Dependence on the opinions of others

An “excellent student” can never independently assess the quality of his own work; he needs confirmation from other people.

Constant anxiety

“Did I fill out the report correctly? Did you make a mistake? Here, it seems, in the last column...” – such thoughts torment the “excellent student” day and night, leading to a state of panic.

Signs of excellent student syndrome in adults

When, in childhood, parents did not adjust the upbringing of the child in accordance with the above recommendations, the excellent student syndrome is fixed for many years or for the rest of his life.

• A person tries to curry favor with his superiors, just as he once did with his parents. It looks bad to other employees. Often such an excellent student goes over the heads of his colleagues for excellent results, bonuses and career heights.
• Such people are characterized by vanity, as well as complete identification of themselves with their achievements, which they will not miss the chance to remind others about.
• People with excellent student syndrome have well-developed responsibility, diligence, determination, activity, initiative, and perfectionism.
• Often people with excellent student syndrome are deeply unhappy. They are never satisfied with themselves and their achievements, because there is no limit to perfection. They always suspect themselves that they could have completed the task better, achieved the goal faster. The inner critic is judgmental and will not allow you to enjoy the result or relax for a short time.
• Women with excellent student syndrome believe that men cannot love them the way they are. In a relationship, such a woman always portrays the best version of herself. She tries hard to be the best in bed, the best in the kitchen at the stove, while demonstrating an angelic character and ideal appearance. At some point, she loses touch with herself and with her partner, who often feels unnecessary in her life. Who is a comfortable woman and is it worth becoming one, read here.
• People with excellent student syndrome often have no friends. They simply have no time to meet with friends or gather in communities of interest. They can stay at work until late at night, trying to complete a large amount of work in the shortest possible time. Because of this, they often lack sleep and are in a bad mood, which pushes away their loved ones.

Find out how we create our own destiny by choosing our social circle, interests and attitude towards life.

How to identify this syndrome in children and adults?

identify excellent student syndrome in a child by the following manifestations:

1. He is very worried about any grade below an A.
2. Easily sacrifices entertainment and socializing with friends in order to do homework or study for a test.
3. Strives for high grades and praise from the teacher.
4. He is sensitive to the successes of other children and begins to speak negatively about them.
5. Refuses to complete tasks if there is a risk of falling into a situation of failure.

In an adult, an excellent student complex is noticeable by the following signs:

1. Takes on extra work on weekends, makes reports for sick employees in order to earn the approval of superiors. At the same time sacrificing personal life and free time.
2. He tries to bring any task to perfection, be it cleaning an apartment or drawing up a project.
3. Gets upset over the slightest mistake or failure.

Losing is much more useful and interesting than winning. Not being an “excellent student” is a serious skill that will come in handy in life. Because victories are a byproduct of the experience we gain from mistakes and defeats. Successes, in principle, only confirm what we already know and can do. Mistakes, defeats, losses contain a huge potential for new knowledge, skills and self-understanding. It is important to learn to use your losses as steps towards accepting and understanding yourself,

– Natalia Mishchenko,

former “excellent” student, writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality.

How to overcome excellent student syndrome and finally relax

The syndrome of an excellent student or excellent student usually develops in childhood, and becomes noticeable in adulthood. Why is that? A child with an excellent student complex is convenient for adults: he does everything that is asked of him, wants to be good for everyone, and therefore no one sees any special problems. When an excellent student grows up and has to make responsible decisions himself, his life becomes more complicated.

This complex is mainly typical for women, which is why we will talk about excellent students. The essence of the excellent student syndrome is not to do everything perfectly well, but to please everyone around you, receive approval, recognition, good grades, etc. This causes a lot of inconvenience.

There is also another problem - this is the mechanism of obligation. The mechanism is created by the actions of the victim and the offender, where the latter forces the victim to act as he needs. For example, a woman decided to conduct trainings. And an invisible offender immediately appears in her head and says: “You won’t succeed. Nobody will come to you. And if he comes, they won’t like it. And you will have negative reviews!” A woman begins to make excuses, search for information on the Internet, consult with people, and then still gives up, abandoning her plan. Why? Because perfectionists need everything to be cool right away. And if it’s not cool, then why take it?

How do adults create this syndrome in children?

• Mom, I got a B!
• Why four? Ira only gets straight A's. How you upset me! (Manipulation.)
• Mom, I tidied up the toys.
• Why is it piled up under the table? You're annoying! (Manipulation.)

Or, visually, with threats.

“If you don’t study well, you will become homeless!” Variations: “You will sell ice cream / you will become a janitor,” etc.

“Every weekend, if you still don’t know, we go to the garden! And don’t think about shirking! Lazy guy!

Unfortunately, negative motivations sometimes work, only with consequences. Which ones, you see for yourself.

Signs of excellent student syndrome

• excessive sensitivity to criticism, even minor ones
• expectation of failure in endeavors
• desire to compare oneself with others, jealousy of those who are praised
• self-esteem is unstable, depends on the opinions of others
• failure in some endeavor can result not just in abandonment of the plan, but in depression
• constant desire to meet the expectations of everyone around

Women and girls suffering from excellent student syndrome gradually turn into nervous neurotics who feel uncomfortable or even scared in almost any situation. They constantly worry about imaginary and real failures and fight for straight A's at any cost. If there is a risk of getting a B, they will abandon their plans altogether.

It’s also not easy for those around them: in communication, like professional fishermen, they catch words of criticism (real and imaginary), dramatically change their behavior, leaving others in obvious bewilderment.

How can you finally relax and stop wanting to please everyone around you?

1. Realize that some of your sensations, feelings and emotions that other people in the same situation do not have are dictated not by the situation itself, but by your desire to be liked. To whom? Mother-in-law, husband, boyfriend? Not certainly in that way. You want to please the one who introduced you into this syndrome. To the teacher, mother, neighbor on the floor who always reprimanded you about your short skirt. They, these people, may not be in your situation now, but it is childhood contacts that are remembered.
2. Figure it out, is it really so important for others that you do everything perfectly? In fact, some people just don't care. But we sometimes tend to attribute to others something that does not exist in nature.
3. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Yes, I understand, it's difficult. But what a relief it is when you realize that you can not be ideal and even be stupid.
4. Stop the excellent student complex in time with the power of thought. For example: “My husband is convincing me to move closer to his work. Do I agree because I want him to like me? If this is so, then my complex has turned on.” We stop it and think, what do we want? Move or stay?
5. Give up the habit of expecting praise and approval from people. Some people do not and do not intend to appreciate free help. Others are too lazy or have no time to do it. You did good to them, it’s time to enjoy, not chat. On the other hand, you should understand that it is not you who are waiting for approval, but the little girl who ended up in this complex. It was so instilled in her that love can only be achieved based on merit.
6. Do not expect that with your kind attitude and good deeds you will correct the world around you. There are people who return good for good, and there are those who are not interested in this strategy.

What is its danger?

It would seem, how could this syndrome be dangerous? An “excellent student” takes a responsible approach to each task, strives to complete it in the best possible way and earn approval for his work.

But this is only at first glance.

A person with excellent student syndrome is constantly in a state of emotional stress and anxiety. This adversely affects both his physical and mental health.

At the body level, “excellent students” experience the following problems:

• frequent colds;
• exhaustion, asthenia;
• psychosomatic phenomena (headaches, dizziness, high blood pressure and others);
• sleep disorder;
• gastrointestinal diseases.

At the mental level there are:

• emotional stress, nervous breakdown;
• the appearance of phobias and fears - fear of public speaking, fear of meeting new people;
• neuroses and depression.

As we see, excellent student syndrome is not as harmless as it seems. If you notice these manifestations in yourself or your child, be sure to seek help from a specialist.

Perfectionism and excellent student syndrome - what's the difference?

At first glance, it may seem that perfectionism and excellent student syndrome are one and the same thing. Yes, these states are similar, but still different. Perfectionists want to achieve an ideal result, and for an “excellent” student it is more important to receive recognition and a good grade.

For example, at school you want to write an A test in physics. You have learned the material and can handle it yourself. But there is a faster option - copy it from the textbook. A person with excellent student syndrome will calmly write it down and get an A, but a perfectionist needs to do it himself to get the highest grade.

For people with excellent student syndrome, tasks are a competition or competition that needs to be won. At the same time, “all means are good” for them. They don't like rivals and think a lot about how to overtake them. And perfectionists are focused exclusively on their work.

How to help a child get rid of excellent student syndrome?

What parents should do to help their child:

Reduce demands on your child

Perhaps you are going too far, seeking from your son or daughter excellent grades in all subjects, perfect cleanliness in the room and first places in competitions and olympiads.

Be more interested in your child’s school life, in what is important to him, and not in the grades in the diary.

“Excellent students” among adults: advice from psychologists

The psychology of the excellent student syndrome is such that a person carries the desire to do everything perfectly and thereby earn praise and approval from childhood into adulthood. Only now he needs to get an “A” not from mom and dad, but from his husband or wife and boss.

More often this concerns females. A girl with excellent student syndrome strives to curry favor at work, to keep the house clean and tidy, and to become an ideal wife for her husband.

Naturally, it is extremely difficult to succeed in all areas of life. Therefore, a person sacrifices his rest and personal time to cook a pie according to a signature recipe or do an annual report in place of a sick employee.

Things continue to pile up, and the “excellent” student finds himself in a vicious circle of stress and anxiety.

So is it possible to fight excellent student syndrome in adults? Can. But only if the person himself realizes the need to change the current situation. Otherwise, he will continue to live in his usual conditions of “struggle for the top five.”

Psychologists advise:

Realize that everything comes from childhood

Namely, your desire to earn praise. To pat you on the head and tell you how smart you are. It is important for an adult to learn to praise and encourage himself, and not wait for approval from others.

Remember: the attitude of others will not change if we do not bring every matter to a state of ideality. In the end, this is not why we are loved and appreciated.

Work on your self-esteem

On your own or with the help of a psychologist. It is important for “excellent students” to learn to follow their own value guidelines without being afraid to make mistakes.

Learn to relax

Learn to relax and “disconnect” from work problems and household worries. It is important for the brain to “reboot”, otherwise it will not be able to function normally.

Compare yourself only to yourself

What have you learned over the past year? What skills and abilities have you acquired? What new did you learn?

Do not strive to perfect any work

If such a desire arises, make a mental stop and ask yourself: do I really need this or is the excellent student complex getting the better of me again?

Don't be afraid to try new things, experiment

It is necessary to realize that any action is an experience that helps a person gain confidence in himself and his abilities. And mistakes are inevitable when you start learning something new.

Listen to yourself first

Your desires, your aspirations.

Change your attitude towards criticism

Don’t immediately perceive it negatively, but analyze it. Perhaps there is considerable benefit for you in critical comments.

Don't attribute thoughts to others that they don't actually have.

Few people really expect you to be “ideal” and “good.” Everyone makes mistakes, and people understand this.

Stop blaming yourself for any mistake

Give yourself room to make mistakes. Use the “but” principle: “Yes, I didn’t manage to submit the report on time, but I did it efficiently and without errors,” “Yes, I scratched my car today, but I didn’t get into a serious accident.”

Why does excellent student syndrome bother adults too?

Because these people do not accept the intermediate result, which would, in principle, be enough to complete the task. They try to act like perfectionists, doing everything either perfectly or not at all. Plus they always wait for the approval of others. And against the background of this, they forget about the deadlines and the number of other things to do.

How to deal with this?

Sometimes you just need to complete the task, without trying to “jump in over your head,” and deliver the project on time, even if the work is not completed as perfectly as you would like. Excellent student syndrome in adults interferes primarily with themselves. People around you may initially think that the person loves his job and wants to put in every effort to achieve outstanding results. In fact, the desire to be the best, to receive recognition from others, is inherent in excellent students from childhood. They subconsciously understand that without completing the task, no one will praise them, because they don’t deserve it. This approach has a particularly detrimental effect on the psyche in modern society, when the pace of life is too fast, and therefore only a few can do everything perfectly.

Excellent student syndrome also does not allow an adult to perceive reality adequately. On a subconscious level, he thinks that he must earn the praise and love of others. If you don’t do something perfectly, no one will love or praise you. Often children become excellent students in school because of the desire or need to please their parents. That is, instead of enjoying the process of studying a subject, developing their talents and skills, many simply crammed subjects and were limited in free time and interesting leisure. If this happens in the life of an adult, then he will almost certainly face a whole list of psychological problems, and will feel unhappy, even if everything is fine in his life.

The real story of a “family of excellent students”: the experience of mother and son

Natalia Mishchenko is a successful writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality. She shared her story with the portal “Where are my children” to demonstrate from her own experience how the “excellent student” complex interferes with the life of an adult and affects the worldview of children.

"Failures made me happy"

For many years, since childhood, I wanted to do the splits, but, apparently, I was not naturally gutta-percha. I was very upset by the fact that my classmates could do the splits with ease, but I couldn’t do anything...

I did yoga for nine years until I realized that:

• happiness is not going to the gym three times a week;
• happiness is not the number of push-ups you do;
• happiness is not hours of physical activity.

Everyone has their own physical threshold, their own limit. Happiness is what brings you joy at your age, so there is no point in comparing yourself to others (runners, yogis, athletes, etc.). It is important to find something to do that makes you happy. Today for me it is:

• dancing;
• writing activity;
• charity;
• ten kilometers a day of walking;
• hiking with my husband;
• joint trips with children and much, much more.

I no longer strive to do the splits! Failures have made me wise. It took me decades to understand: splits are not my thing. My plans have changed. Failures made me happy because I realized what I really want.

I realized what exactly brings me pleasure, and these activities change along with me. As I move from one age to another, my happy activities also transform. Only one thing remains unchanged - the age of happiness.

It is not victories, but defeats and mistakes that make us who we are. Because they force us to accept our limitations and thus force us to accept our own individuality. Beyond social standards, beyond the expectations of friends and loved ones, beyond the role models that are imposed on us by school, parents, and society.

The son of an “excellent student” or how to help your child succeed

From early childhood, my son Robert wanted to connect his life with fashion. He read a lot of literature that was inappropriate for his age (as it seemed to me then) - various thick books about world designers, numerous fashion magazines, some textbooks. My son had a dream - to study in New York at an institute that has produced a huge number of world-famous fashion designers. When he grew up, he began to intensively prepare for admission. But then a crisis struck...

At the family council, it was decided that we would not be able to finance Robert’s education in America, because we would not be able to afford it. To say that his life collapsed is to say nothing! It turned out that he had successfully passed some exams and was practically enrolled in the desired faculty. We offered him admission to any other institute, but not abroad, but in the country. However, he was adamant

Years later, he moved to New York on his own and began... to work. He never studied, but he worked all the time in the profession and reached unprecedented heights: at the age of 14 he was one of the six world prodigies in the field of fashion, and he published his first printed fashion magazine at the age of 17!

What made my son strong? Of course, failures! Complete failures of the plans he made for the future. I remember how we financed his stay in America at first. Then they stopped, arguing that it was time for him to grow up and get on his feet.

After some time, it became possible to transfer another payment. As it turned out, he no longer needed his family’s help - his son began to earn good money on his own. He grew up.

The ability not to be an “excellent student”, the ability to lose is the ability to accept an unfavorable outcome when what happens does not meet our expectations, hopes, and efforts. And make the most of it.

Excellent student syndrome can either help or hinder a person from achieving success. If you feel that the desire for “A’s” is negatively affecting the quality of your life or the life of your child, then it’s time to get rid of this complex!

– Nina Suskina,

teacher, psychologist.

Excellent student complex (syndrome)

Date of creation: 06/23/2004 Date of update: 09/30/2016 The material was written in collaboration with M.P. Naritsyna.

It is generally accepted that being an excellent student is good. But if you observe other excellent students a little more carefully, including after graduating from school, it may seem that they are not drawn to any knowledge at all. They have no time for this. They spin like squirrels in a wheel, with all their strength. And in most cases it doesn't seem that way at all. Most often this is the case in reality.

It is generally accepted that being an excellent student is good. A person is drawn to knowledge and all that. But if you observe other excellent students a little more carefully, including after graduating from school, it may seem that they are not drawn to any knowledge at all. They have no time for this. They spin like squirrels in a wheel, with all their strength. And in most cases it doesn't seem that way at all. Most often this is the case in reality.

***

A future carrier of the excellent student complex (or syndrome), going to first grade, usually receives an external program: “There is no grade other than an A.” Everything else is not an assessment.” The reasons for such programming may be different, but in the end the child finds himself trapped in a binary two-point system: either the highest score or... zero. Not a two, not even a count, but a zero! In any case, it is the child who lives within the framework of such a program and brings home something less than an A that ultimately feels like a zero. Because for his “programmers” this a priori means that he tried poorly, taught little, showed his knowledge with a defect, with a crack, with a chip. The attitude, in essence, is the same as with dishes: either the cup is whole, or it’s cracked, bruised, and it’s inconvenient to serve to guests.

Here, perhaps, we can hypothetically mention one of the reasons for such programming: they plan to “serve the child to guests”, somehow demonstrate it, and be proud of his successes. And the concept of success is quite clear: either an A or... again, a zero. Because you can't be proud of non-A's. Inconvenient. There can always be another contender for pride, whose child received an A. This means you need to demand that your own child try harder! And I didn’t even think of disgracing my parents with non-excellent grades.

But such programming is not the fault of the “programmers”, but their own great misfortune, which has been passed on by script for more than one generation. Back in 1947, the still-famous film “First-Grader” was released. One of the episodes of this film is where the heroine, first-grader Marusya, comes home with her first school grade.

- What other news? - asks her grandmother. “Very good,” Marusya reports joyfully. - I received a mark! - Which one? - Four! Grandma turns around and leaves. - Grandmother! Why aren't you happy? After all, a four is very close to a five! “Hmm,” says grandma. - Well, not very much!..

Not only does the grandmother not share her granddaughter’s joy about the first grade as such, but she also reports that her granddaughter is still very, very far from getting an A—that is, until the moment when the grandmother is happy with her.

In general, the system of “taking on obviously impossible obligations,” like the “five-year plan in three years,” accompanied Soviet reality from the very beginning: together with the idea of ​​“raising a completely different person, a person of a new formation,” contrary to all the laws of logic, physiology and Maslow’s pyramid. But be that as it may, the binary system “either a five or a zero” is present in the internal censorship of many generations of people, transmitted at the level of life scenario.

Logically, the requirement to constantly receive only excellent grades is virtually impossible. In the end, there are different children with a penchant for different subjects, different personal characteristics of these children, and in the end - different health conditions for the same child! However, censorship installations are scary because they do not use logic. And the initial impossibility of taking on the obligations provokes another scenario connection: “we had to do something - we couldn’t do it - but we had to be able to - then our children should do it for us.” That is, if there are certain obviously impossible tasks in the life scenario, the pressure of such an obligation intensifies with each new generation and with each new turn of this scenario. And thus, the scenario-transmitted neurosis grows like a snowball.

Parents often say that they themselves were excellent students in their studies, and it seems natural to demand the same from their children. But at the same time, consciously or unconsciously, they do not take into account some factors: - showing a certificate with straight A’s or a diploma with honors, they naturally keep silent about what grades they received in the process of their current studies, while they demand A’s from children every day; — they forget that over the years the program becomes more complicated, the number of requirements for children increases, and sometimes the children themselves physically cannot keep up with these complications; - and finally, parents who say “we were excellent students - and you should” themselves still remain in the binary system “5-0” and drive their own children there.

***

So, a child with such a program begins to study at school. And then, as a rule, the situation develops in approximately two ways: - either the student understands that the conditions of this program are impossible - and gives the reaction “I don’t want to study at all”; - or he accepts these conditions at great cost to himself, because he understands that otherwise he will not see parental stroking. Now he can only get strokes, approval, and expressions of parental love for straight A's. And in the second option, a real addictive neurosis, or dependence neurosis, usually develops: the child begins to depend on excellent grades and strives to do everything only in the criteria of “will they give me another A for this?” He can’t even think about getting anything below an A. Because it's very scary.

Teachers often encounter paradoxical reactions to a “B” – a “good” rating. Students come up after lessons and literally beg to ask more, ask tomorrow, ask whenever, just don’t put a “four” in either the diary or the journal. They say that their parents will scold them at home. But in reality, if the “5-0” program has already begun to operate and is accepted by the child’s internal censorship, one can observe a variant of the so-called contamination (infection) of the subpersonality of the internal Parent: in other words, at home the child may well be shamed for getting a B (he tried poorly), but for now he will reach this house - he himself (more precisely, his internal infected censorship) will already eat himself to the very bones: because he did not pull out five. And if he didn’t pull it out, then in his already internal binary paradigm he is a zero. Nonentity.

Once is zero, twice is zero, three is zero... over time, this may well turn into impostor syndrome. Especially if it’s seasoned with parental “You can’t really do anything, even study for straight A’s!”

Alas, from the point of view of many parents, the school curriculum, especially in elementary school, is elementary and does not require any effort. Well, how difficult is it, for example, to learn the multiplication table or write the letter “A”? And if a child brings something below an A in “such easy subjects,” the parents really think that their offspring is a loafer and a quitter, and instead of working in class, he counted crows. And then the teacher will be unhappy with him, and will call his parents to school and scold them.

By the way, this is another possible reason why a child is programmed “either an A or you’re a nonentity.” The child is actually conveyed his personal fear: “If he does not study well, they will scold us, the parents, at school.” It is likely that such parents have the same excellent student syndrome (transmitted at the level of life scenario), and imagining that they will be called to school and given a reprimand for their child’s poor academic performance is one of their personal nightmares. Therefore, the child needs to be bugged and bullied, generously sharing his neurosis with him, but so that there is as little chance as possible that they themselves will be scolded by the teacher!..

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The main difficulty of the excellent student complex is essentially that, as a child grows up, he begins to depend on straight A’s in the rest of his life, not only at school. More precisely, to experience a constant fear of “not getting an excellent grade.”

Such a person cannot take on any task unless he is sure that the result will turn out “excellent.” But it’s difficult to be sure of this, especially when it happens outside of school and there can be many quality criteria, both objective and subjective. And it cannot be said that such a person “certainly wants an A.” Rather, he is terrified of getting a “not an A.” Because it is zero. And the fear of once again being convinced of his own insignificance prevents him from doing anything in principle.

A person with excellent student syndrome will not engage in any business, because these are risks and ambiguous situations, and here it is even more difficult to rely only on excellent grades.

And also a person with excellent student syndrome - a paradox! – is often afraid to learn something new: any learning of something new is naturally associated with mistakes, and he has no right to make mistakes for a long time. After all, any mistake is no longer an “A”.

In general, he is afraid to somehow independently build and manage his life, in general he is afraid of situations when he needs to make independent decisions: what if he decides wrong? After all, he does not have clear criteria for this correctness issued from above, or rather, criteria for what and how he should do in order to once again earn an excellent grade. We can say that people with excellent student syndrome are eternal subordinates, slaves of these very external criteria: and as another bold hypothesis - is it not because for some generation there has been some kind of external feeding of this scenario, that subordinates are more beneficial to the hierarchical system, and it is much easier for them manipulate by simply threatening to “reduce the grade by a point” if something happens.

Moreover, even if a person makes some attempts to move away from the system of external criteria, his internal contaminated censorship pulls him back, literally forcing him to look for more and more external evaluators. Because only they supposedly have the right to give a person grades: for example, the concept of “self-esteem” can literally make someone with excellent student syndrome feel physically ill. How is it to evaluate yourself, it’s impossible, it doesn’t happen.

Moreover, these fears are present even when in some tasks a person formally does not have an external evaluator. But there is always an internal one: that same internal Parent infected from the outside, which a person constantly carries with him. And accordingly, everywhere he has a personal pocket censor who undertakes to evaluate all his affairs.

The excellent student complex, by the way, can be called one of the varieties of perfectionism and one of the reasons for procrastination.

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With excellent student syndrome, a person usually has problems adapting to the surrounding society both during his school years and after graduation. In the classroom, and in any society, as a rule, excellent students are not liked: more precisely, those who strive for A’s at all costs are not liked. Sometimes from the outside it seems that such a student is trying to stand out from the rest; but these others are usually unaware that the unfortunate person is once again trying to escape from the fear of “turning out to be zero.”

In general, dependence on A’s, like any addiction, has a general destructive character for the addicted person: such a student’s health suffers (because all resources are devoted to achieving excellent grades), he is simply overloaded (after all, such an excellent student is usually required to get A’s not only in school) , he has to please his parents with his achievements in various circles and sections, and definitely plans to enroll in a prestigious educational institution). Against the backdrop of a banal lack of sleep and accumulating chronic fatigue, fears of “not getting an A” are even stronger, and the situation is not so much going in circles, but rather twisting into a tight spiral.

Plus, the excellent student complex is often accompanied by pressure from parents and grandparents: “Don’t you dare disgrace us! We will be ashamed of you!” It’s even worse if the child is constantly informed that as a result of any mistake and any “not an A”, someone close to him will have high blood pressure, a heart ache, a stroke, and so on. Guilt is an excellent means of manipulation, and quite traumatic at that. As a result, the child literally feels like he is in a minefield, when one wrong step and he will explode: but it is better for him to explode than for people dear to him to suffer. In fact, the child is made a real hostage to the problems of adults. And the fact that he fully earns his own neurosis (or actually inherits an existing one) - at this stage, unfortunately or fortunately, he does not yet realize.

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Usually, at the end of articles about certain psychotherapeutic problems, conclusions/results/suggestions on the topic “what to do now with these problems” are expected.

Here we note, first of all, that this article is not talking about the fact that the excellent student complex is downright bad and bad (as one or another bearer of the excellent student complex would probably read). If a person is comfortable within these frameworks—one might even say, within these life supports—then there is no point in taking away these supports from him. There are many people who feel satisfaction from the fact that they know in advance the criteria and requirements by which they will be tested and according to which they will be assessed. If this assessment must certainly be excellent, and for the time being this is also not annoying, such a person can be called to some extent ambitious, having his own high goals. If he lives comfortably in this system, he has the right not to change anything. And no one has the right to push him to change.

If the “5-0” system becomes a burden for a person himself, if he is thinking about how to jump out of this squirrel wheel, then first of all it is important for him to find out that this is possible. But that this is connected with analysis and one’s own awareness of everything that happens to him. With a systematic study of the entire situation in which he finds himself. And that for such an analysis, especially a systemic one, you will need an assistant - a psychotherapist, whose main condition for work is non-judgment. The latter is extremely important, if only because any evaluative approach to working with the excellent student complex automatically provokes, instead of the old evaluators, to acquire a new one - in the person of a psychotherapist. And thus it is natural to remain in the old binary paradigm.

And it is also important to warn that leaving old life criteria and building new ones is difficult.
It's hard and painful sometimes. Because in fact everything is created anew: censorship patterns, reactions and perceptions, system-forming attitudes. We can say that, in essence, a new life is being built. But there is one important “but”: a person, in the process of consultative, non-judgmental psychotherapy, learns to build this new life for himself. And above all, he gradually develops personal independence from any evaluators who threaten “not to give him an A if he stops listening.” These fears are gradually ceasing to be relevant: because in the new system other, more ambiguous, logically based and non-binary criteria for the “correctness, completeness and quality” of knowledge, skills and achievements are formed. “Electronic Doctor” orders that are most relevant to the article: I want to return the love of my parents I want to return the relationship I want to return to my beloved I want to return to my beloved I want to recover from a mistake I want to find out the reasons for addiction I want to find out the reasons for complexes I want to find out the reasons for the error I want to find out my mistakes I want to find out my guilt Topics: addictions, excellent student complex, complexes, guilt.
© Naritsyn Nikolai Nikolaevich psychotherapist, psychoanalyst © Naritsyn Marina psychologist, psychoanalyst, Moscow